


Homestuck DnD

by Writefuck



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Homestuck
Genre: DnD 3.5, Gen, Tabletop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2017-12-20 13:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writefuck/pseuds/Writefuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin. John Egbert and friends play Dungeons and Dragons. New chapter up, after over a year!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Adventuring Begins

JOHN: okay is everyone ready?  
DAVE: yes john christ weve been preparing for hours learning how to play this game  
KANAYA: It Has Not Been That Long But I Agree That It Has Been Quite A While And I Am Eager To Begin  
DAVE: see even the patient troll is getting antsy lets go already  
JOHN: okay first lets introduce our characters to one another  
JOHN: karkat?  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
JOHN: tell us your character's name and class and race and stuff  
KARKAT: OKAY. MY NAME IS NOOKSTUFFER BONEBULGE.  
VRISKA: Wow Karkat. ::::\  
KARKAT: I AM A NEUTRAL GOOD CLERIC OF PELOR. ALTHOUGH HOW A GOD OF THE SUN QUALIFIES AS A "GOOD" DEITY IS BEYOND ME.  
JOHN: and your race?  
KARKAT: I AM EXPERIMENTING WITH THIS BRAINDEAD RETARDED MENTAL DISORDER YOU POSESS, KNOWN TO THE OTHER SPECIES OF THE UNIVERSE AS "BEING A HUMAN."  
DAVE: humans are so hardcore even our mental disorders are retarded  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  
JOHN: okay, next?  
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkIn ElDoN gReEnBoTtLe AlL uP iN tHiS bItCh.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT.  
GAMZEE: I dOn'T bE kNoWiNg WhAt AlL iTs MeAnInG iS bUt It WaS wHaT tHe MoThErFuCkInG bOoK tOlD mE wHaT a GoOd NaMe WaS.  
JOHN: okay eldon greenbottle and you were a... bard, right?  
GAMZEE: hAlFlInG bArD aNd AlL tYpEs Of ChAoTiC aNd NeUtRaL aNd ShIt.  
KARKAT: OH FUCK NO. THAT IS LITERALLY THE WORST IDEA POSSIBLE. YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL.  
JOHN: actually the bard tends to be more of a support class than an outright combat class  
JOHN: it does a lot of buffing and some heals  
JOHN: but not so much healing that he's going to step on a cleric's toes very much in a party this size. it's a secondary healer  
JOHN: well i guess it's kind of a secondary everything.  
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON'T CARE IF SOMEONE ELSE IS HELPING ME KEEP YOU ASSHOLES ALIVE. I JUST WANT THE RECORD TO SHOW THAT I CALLED IT AHEAD OF TIME.  
KANAYA: I Will Write It Down In My Note Book Here  
KARKAT: I WAS BEING METAPHORICAL BUT WHATEVER.  
JOHN: kanaya, why don't you go next?  
KANAYA: My Character Is Named Acrimony  
KANAYA: She Is A Human Barbarian  
DAVE: oh god i can tell by the name rose helped her with that one  
KANAYA: She Did Assist A Little  
DAVE: do i have to remind you why rose is banned from our dnd table  
KANAYA: Someone Mentioned Something About A Wizard Fetish  
DAVE: yeah that and stupid character names  
DAVE: i mean this is the person who gave us zazzerpan the longbearded or whatever  
KANAYA: I Do Not See Anything Wrong With That Particular Name Except That It Would Not Fit A Barbarian Very Well  
DAVE: shit no are you crazy  
DAVE: zazzerpan smash  
JOHN: okay moving on...  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
JOHN: dave what's your character?  
DAVE: shit is it my turn to share with the class  
DAVE: let me find my character sheet among all these important notes and shit  
GAMZEE: WaTcH tHe WiCkEd ElIxIr BrO.  
DAVE: im not going to spill your fucking faygo bro chill out  
DAVE: do you realize how much work id have to redo if i got orange sticky sugary bullshit all over my character sheet  
DAVE: literally MINUTES would be wasted do i look like i have that kind of time  
DAVE: okay here we go  
DAVE: i am brofist the human sorcerer  
DAVE: true neutral alignment  
DAVE: magic and shit up the wazoo  
DAVE: fyi wazoos are a special organ that only sorcerers possess that allows them to cast magic  
JOHN: wait, you'e playing a spellcaster?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: by the way nobody tell rose or ill never live it down  
DAVE: kanaya im looking at you  
KANAYA: My Lips Are Sealed  
DAVE: better be  
JOHN: i'm just concerned that the party caster is kind of a complicated roll to fill, with extra rules and stuff to keep track of  
DAVE: relax man i got this  
VRISKA: My turn yet?  
JOHN: sure go ahead  
VRISKA: Well I looked through all the source8ooks I could find, and saw that this game was sorely lacking a Gam8lignant class.  
VRISKA: Or at least some equivilent!  
DAVE: gamblig what  
VRISKA: So I went with the next 8est thing availa8le to me.  
VRISKA: Drow Rogue/Assassin  
KARKAT: OH GOD, NEVERMIND THE BARD, VRISKA'S GOING TO KILL US FIRST.  
JOHN: and your character's name?  
VRISKA: An assassin needs no name. She lurks in the shadows with 8aited 8reath, while her prey wanders helplessly into her we8. ::::)  
KARKAT: GAMZEE CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND KILL ME BEFORE VRISKA KILLS ME IN-GAME, AND/OR MAKES ME KILL MYSELF IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM HER MARGINALLY FASTER THAN I COULD BY JUST LEAVING THE ROOM?  
GAMZEE: uH sErIoUsLy BrO?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK NO NOT SERIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH THE SECOND OPTION IS LOOKING MORE AND MORE APPEALING AS WE GO. AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET. SO HURRAY FOR FUCKING THAT.  
DAVE: pipe down windbag  
DAVE: the sooner we start the sooner we can get to the pointless betrayals and merciless backstabbing  
KANAYA: I Do Not Believe That Is The Goal Of This Game  
VRISKA: The only thing we should 8e 8acksta88ing is every poor soul who crosses our path!  
JOHN: so i take it you're chaotic evil then, vriska?  
VRISKA: Evil is su8jeeeeeeeective.  
KARKAT: SO BASICALLY YES.  
VRISKA: Shh!  
KARKAT: BY THE WAY THANKS FOR PLAYING A CHARACTER WITH AN ALIGNMENT DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED TO MINE'S. I'M SURE THESE TWO FUCKWADS WE'RE PLAYING WILL GET ALONG SWIMMINGLY IN FANTASY PLANET.  
KARKAT: GOOD LUCK GETTING ME TO HEAL YOU.  
VRISKA: I won't 8e needing it!  
DAVE: can we get this show on the road  
DAVE: my wands are itching to cast eldritch bullshit on some bad guys  
DAVE: or something  
GAMZEE: mY oNe MaN bAnD iS aLl KiNdS oF pUmPeD tO sInG tHe MoThErFuCkInG sOnG oF cOuRaGe AnD sHiT  
KANAYA: I Too Am Eager To Begin The Game  
VRISKA: Adventure aw8ts!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.

\---

JOHN: the party is in a large village called woodcrest, where you were told to meet a man named mikael for a job. you were told to meet him in the local tavern at around noon, which is where you currently are. he should arrive any time now  
KANAYA: What Is The Nature Of This Job  
JOHN: mikael will give you more details when you meet with him, but from what you've heard the village has had trouble with some bandits recently. it's probably related to that  
VRISKA: Who else is in the tavern 8esides us?  
JOHN: there's the bartender and the serving girl, plus... six other patrons  
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST ROLL FOR THAT? WHY DID YOU EVEN ROLL FOR THAT? WAS THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE BAR SO CRITICALLY IMPORTANT THAT ITS OUTCOME HAD TO BE DETERMINED BY THESE ALL-KNOWING PLASTIC POLYHEDRONS?  
JOHN: uh, i guess?  
GAMZEE: i PuLl OuT mY lUtE aNd StArT sTrUmMiNg A mErRy TuNe FoR mY bRoS.  
JOHN: okay. the patrons seem to nod with approval. they like your music  
VRISKA: 8etween the alcohol and the music, how distraaaaaaaacted are the other patrons?  
JOHN: pretty distracted.  
VRISKA: I stealthily creep towards whoever looks the drunkest.  
JOHN: okay. roll your move silently skill  
VRISKA: Let's see... 36.  
JOHN: hopy shit.  
KANAYA: She Rolled What I Believe Is Called A Natural Twenty  
JOHN: wow. the guy doesnt hear you creeping up behind him at all  
VRISKA: And with a loud, "Woops!" I pretend to stum8le and fall right on top of him.  
DAVE: what was the point of that  
VRISKA: ...snatching his coin purse as we f8ll.  
GAMZEE: oH sHiT.  
JOHN: roll sleight of hand  
VRISKA: I got... 37.  
KARKAT: DID SHE JUST ROLL ANOTHER NATURAL 20?  
KANAYA: She Rolled A Nineteen Plus Eleven Ranks In That Skill Plus Five For Her Characters Dexterity Modifier Plus Two From Having Five Or More Ranks In Bluff  
VRISKA: H8y! I don't need you dou8le ch8cking my m8th!  
KANAYA: Sorry  
JOHN: all right, you manage to snatch his purse and hide it on your person before he's even reacted to you falling on him  
VRISKA: I apologize profusely. "How clumsy of me!"  
JOHN: roll bluff  
VRISKA: 28  
JOHN: he actually apologizes back and helps you up. he says don't worry about it, it was his fault entirely  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. IS THIS THE PARTY WE'RE GOING TO BE? ARE YOU GOING TO STEAL FROM EVERYONE YOU SEE WHILE THE LUTE-PLAYING FUCKWAD MAGICALLY DISTRACTS ALL OF THE ONLOOKERS?  
GAMZEE: aAw CoMe On BrO, i WaSn'T pLaNnInG oN tHaT hApPeNiNg, I jUsT wAnTeD tO lIgHtEn ThE mOoD iN tHe GlOoMy TaVeRn AnD sHiT.  
KARKAT: THE FACT THAT IT WAS UNINTENTIONAL MAKES IT WORSE YOU GIGANTIC FUCKING DOUCHE.  
GAMZEE: :o(  
VRISKA: I return to my seat, and once no8ody else is looking, I count my spoils.  
JOHN: you got eleven silver and two copper  
VRISKA: WH8T?!  
JOHN: these are relatively poor peasants, they don't carry much money on them  
VRISKA: What a w8ste of time!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: HOW MUCH WERE YOU EXPECTING POOR PEASANTS TO HAVE ANYWAY?  
VRISKA: I don't know, 8ut more than this!  
KARKAT: THEY'RE POOR. YOU JUST STOLE THAT GUY'S MILK MONEY FOR LITERALLY NO REASON YOU HEARTLESS BITCH.  
KANAYA: Are You Two Arguing In Character Or Out Of Character  
VRISKA: O8viously this is OOC, his character didn't even see me do it!  
JOHN: so dave while all this is happening, what are you doing?  
JOHN: dave?  
DAVE: shit man im just chilling listening to my bard buddy play his song  
DAVE: i dont know why death lady walked over to some guy and fell on top of him  
DAVE: maybe shes just that desperate who knows  
VRISKA: Fuck you!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: okay fair enough  
JOHN: at this point a new person walks into the tavern. based on his clothing he looks somewhat wealthier than the other patrons. you can see he's wearing chainmail underneath his clothing but he is not armed. this is the man you're here to meet  
KARKAT: AS THE ONLY PARTY MEMBER WHO ISN'T PARTLY BRAINDEAD OR MORALLY BANKRUPT, NOOKSTUFFER TAKES IT UPON HIMSELF TO ACT AS THE PARTY DIPLOMAT.  
DAVE: i immediately go over and greet the guy  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU NOOKSTUFFER WAS ABOUT TO DO THAT.  
DAVE: too late i got there first  
DAVE: so hey mikey or whatever you name is i hear you have some bandit issues  
DAVE: want us to solve them for you its gonna cost you  
DAVE: we demand payment of a level appropriate amount of gold and not one fucking cent more  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER SHOVES BROFIST OUT OF THE WAY AND STARES DAGGERS AT HIM.  
DAVE: i dodge the daggers  
KARKAT: IT'S A FUCKING METAPHOR.  
DAVE: doesnt matter i have a high armor class  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: 14 i think  
KARKAT: THE METAPHORICAL DAGGERS THAT COME OUT OF NOOKSTUFFER'S METAPHORICAL EYES ARE PLUS INFINITY VORPAL DAGGERS OF GO FUCKING YOURSELF. THERE IS NO METAPHORICAL ARMOR CLASS HIGH ENOUGH TO METAPHORICALLY PREVENT YOUR IMMEDIATE AND TOTAL METAPHORICAL DISTRUCTION.  
DAVE: cool he killed me  
DAVE: can i go  
JOHN: no i think he was kidding  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT YOU THINK SO?  
KARKAT: EVERYONE STOP THE PRESSES THAT DON'T EXIST. EGBERT FIGURED OUT I WAS KIDDING WITH MY SENTENCE THAT HAD THE WORD METAPHOR IN IT EIGHTEEN TRILLION FUCKING TIMES.  
KANAYA: Since Our Caster And Healer Are Having An Argument Amongst Themselves Acrimony Takes It Upon Herself To Speak To Mikael  
JOHN: mikael explains the situation. in the past six months, a group of bandits has made four separate raids on the village. they've stolen money, food, and other goods, as well as killed a few people who got in their way. they've made raids on other villages and towns in the surrounding countryside, as well as ambushing travelers on the roads. mikael will pay you five thousand gold if you kill the bandits .  
KANAYA: Acrimony Asks Her Allies If Five Thousand Sounds Good To Them  
GAMZEE: ShIt FiVe ThOuSaNd?  
GAMZEE: ThAt'S a BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN lOaD oF cAsH. hOw MuCh Is ThAt FoR eAcH oF uS?  
KARKAT: WELL LET'S SEE. THERE'S FIVE OF US, AND FIVE THOUSAND GOLD. WHAT'S FIVE THOUSAND DIVIDED BY FIVE?  
GAMZEE: mAtH's NoT rEaLlY mT tHiNg BrO iT hAs ToO mAnY rUlEs AnD sHiT.  
GAMZEE: wHeRe'S tHe RoOm FoR tHe MiRaClEs AlL uP iN iT?  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT. I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR ASKING YOU THAT QUESTION.  
VRISKA: A thousand gold's a decent amount, 8ut he's going to have to sweeten the deal if he wants our help. ::::)  
JOHN: roll diplomacy  
VRISKA: 30  
JOHN: he seems to think about it for a moment, and then he says that he has an old dagger of venom he doesn't have any use for. it's kind of a family heirloom and he's reluctant to part with it, but he'll give it to you if you bring back proof that all of the bandits are gone.  
VRISKA: Deal!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: mikael walks over to a table, pulls out a scroll tube, and unrolls a map of the area. theres a forested area about a full days travel away on foot and part of it is circled. mikael says the bandit's camp is suspected to be somewhere in that area.  
KANAYA: Are We Familiar With This Area  
JOHN: not particularly but it should be pretty easy to find  
KANAYA: Do We Need Any Other Gear Or Preparations Before We Head Out  
KARKAT: NO WE ALL HAVE THE STANDARD ADVENTURING GEAR AND SHIT. LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.  
DAVE: so are we on foot then or do we have horses  
JOHN: you came to woodcrest on foot, traveling the main road. when you first heard about the towns bandit issues you were told that one of the first things they bandits did was steal or kill all the horses. so there's really no alternative to walking.  
KARKAT: GREAT, WE GET TO SPEND A LONG-ASS DAY ON THE ROAD UNDER THE BLISTERING HOT SUN THAT NOOKSTUFFER WORSHIPS FOR SOME REASON.  
VRISKA: As a Drow I'm not such a 8ig fan of it myself. ::::\  
KANAYA: I Find A Stroll Outside On A Sunny Day To Be Rather Relaxing Both In Character And Out Of Character  
DAVE: who says its sunny egbert hasnt told us the weather yet  
DAVE: i need like  
DAVE: barometric pressure here  
DAVE: accurate right down to the nearest uh  
DAVE: shit whats air pressure measured in anyway  
DAVE: lets just call them airpounds  
DAVE: john how many airpounds is it outside right now  
JOHN: uh  
JOHN: well it's about noon, partly cloudy, and looks like it might get cloudier later?  
DAVE: i need the chance of precipitation  
JOHN: roll knowledge (nature) to see if your character can make a decent guess  
DAVE: wheres my d20  
GAMZEE: wAtCh ThE eLiXiR.  
DAVE: dude COME ON i am not going to spill your faygo  
KANAYA: Dave May I Ask Why You Have So Many Sheets Of Paper On Your Side Of The Table  
DAVE: notes  
DAVE: spells  
DAVE: miscellaneous bullshit  
DAVE: okay here we go rolling nature  
DAVE: oh wow  
KANAYA: Is That A One Or A Seven I Cannot Tell From This Angle  
GAMZEE: iT's A 1.  
VRISKA: What!  
DAVE: plus my skill modifier thats...  
DAVE: negative two  
VRISKA: WH8T!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: OKAY MORBID CURIOSITY HAS OVERCOME MY DESIRE TO CONTINUE NOT BEING INSANE AND/OR BRAIN DAMAGED. HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO ROLL IN THE NEGATIVES?  
DAVE: zero ranks in the skill and an int modifier of -3  
VRISKA: Your intell8gence score is FOUR?!  
JOHN: huh.  
DAVE: what  
KANAYA: Even Acrimonys Intelligence Is In The Double Digits  
DAVE: well no shit rose helped you minmax  
KANAYA: I Am Unfamiliar With That Term Is It A Human Custom  
DAVE: haha not really  
DAVE: ask vriska im sure she can explain it  
VRISKA: I have a8solutely no idea what you're talking a8out.  
JOHN: moving right along here...  
JOHN: you are unable to make a decent guess whether itll rain or not  
GAMZEE: wAiT i ThInK i HaVe KnOwLeDgE nAtUrE.  
GAMZEE: sHoUlD i RoLl ThAt.  
JOHN: if you want to, sure  
KARKAT: NOT THAT DIE, YOU MORON. THAT'S A D12.  
GAMZEE: BuT tHiS oNe Is AlL fUlL oF mAgIc AnD sHiT...  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT'S JUST GLITTER. THE FACT THAT IT'S SUSPENDED IN A PURPLE DODECAHEDRON DOESN'T GRANT IT MAGICAL POWERS!  
GAMZEE: hOw Do YoU bE kNoWiN tHe GlItTeR dOnT bE gIvInG iT sPeCiAl PoWeRs?  
KARKAT: JUST ROLL THIS ONE.  
GAMZEE: AaWh I cAn'T uSe ThAt OnE nOw. YoU tOuChEd It AnD rUiNeD aLl ThE lItTlE mIrAcLeS.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.  
VRISKA: It means you shouldn't 8e messing with another man's dice!  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE, WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE.  
KARKAT: ROLL THE D12 AND GET IT OVER WITH.  
GAMZEE: tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR's ToTaL iS... 19.  
KANAYA: Oh I See You Gave Yourself Eight Ranks In All The Knowledge Skills You Possess So That When You Add Your Intelligence Modifier You Get An Even 10 To Add To What You Get On The Die  
KANAYA: That Way The Math Is Simpler  
GAMZEE: wHaT?  
GAMZEE: nAh ThAt WaSn'T wHaT i HaD bEeN tRyIn To Be DoInG tHaTs JuSt HoW iT aLl Up AnD tUrNeD oUt.  
JOHN: okay based on the clouds on the horizon you'd guess there's about a 50% chance of rain later in the evening, and its definitely going to get foggier later in the day  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT EVERYONE. WE HAVE A FUCKING WEATHER REPORT. DID WE WIN?  
VRISKA: Inform8ion is key, Karkat.  
KARKAT: I'LL KEEP IT AT THE FRONT OF MY THINK PAN.  
KARKAT: SO WHILE THE TWO INSUFFERABLE MORONS WERE TRYING TO PREDICT THE WEATHER, NOOKSTUFFER HAS BEEN MAKING WHATEVER TRAVEL PREPARATIONS NEED TO BE MADE BEFORE WE SET OUT.  
KANAYA: I Believe It Is Time To Hit The Road  
JOHN: the party moves out. as you reach the edge of town, you are approached by an old woman.  
DAVE: shit were under attack  
DAVE: kanaya get your sword out  
KANAYA: Acrimony Uses A Greataxe  
KARKAT: DON'T ATTACK THE FUCKING PEASANTS!  
JOHN: she looks much the same as the other villagers you've encountered. she looks to be in her mid forties. she looks like shes been grieving.  
GAMZEE: I cAn ChEeR hEr RiGhT tHe FuCk Up.  
KARKAT: PUT AWAY YOUR FUCKING LUTE. THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN IMPROMPTU CONCERT.  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER ASKS THE OLD WOMAN WHAT'S FUCKING TROUBLING HER, LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.  
KARKAT: AND WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SENTENCE JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.  
JOHN: she explains that her daughter was kidnapped the last time the bandits raided the town. she's afraid her daughter is dead, or worse. she is begging you to bring her back safely, but she has no way of paying you for your services  
VRISKA: No gold? No deal.  
KANAYA: Since We Are Already Being Paid To Go To The Bandit Camp We May As Well Try And Save This Womans Daughter If Possible  
DAVE: shit we have to accept the sidequest havent you people played video games before  
DAVE: especially if she says she cant pay us  
DAVE: thats code for plot shit  
JOHN: are you making that argument in character?  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: give me some credit john  
GAMZEE: I'm AgReEiNg WiTh WhAt My MaGiCaL bRo Be SaYiNg.  
KARKAT: THAT'S THREE IN FAVOR OF SAVING HER DAUGHTER, ONE ABSTAINING, AND ONE HEARTLESS BITCH.  
VRISKA: Wh8ever.  
JOHN: the woman thanks all of you and says if theres any way she can ever repay you shell find a way  
DAVE: see  
DAVE: plot shit  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET'S FINALLY HIT THE ROAD.  
JOHN: you hit the road. you travel for some hours and as you're going the weather gradually turns foggy. as you get further away from town the road gets a little less well kept and the wilderness gradually grows more marsh-like  
KANAYA: Did The Map We Were Provided Indicate That This Is The Type Of Enviornment We Should Expect If We Are Following The Correct Route  
JOHN: yeah the actual forest where the bandit camp is thought to be is basically beyond the damp area.  
KARKAT: ARE THERE ANY OTHER MISERABLE SOULS ON THE ROAD, OR ARE WE ALONE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN ENVIORNMENT?  
JOHN: the road is almost suspiciously empty, now that you think of it. in fact the whole area seems like it's quiet... too quiet  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: kanaya get your sword out  
KANAYA: Im Sorry But Why This Time  
DAVE: come on dont you guys know anything  
DAVE: when its too quiet that means monsters are going to show up  
JOHN: dave stop metagaming!  
DAVE: its not metagaming if i know the cliche in character  
DAVE: here let me roll for that  
DAVE: shit what do i even roll for knowledge (cliche)  
JOHN: listen check  
DAVE: what does listening have to do with fantasy gaming cliches  
JOHN: no i mean everybody roll me a listen check  
GAMZEE: oH mOtHeRfUcK.  
KARKAT: 19  
VRISKA: 23  
DAVE: 4  
GAMZEE: 13  
KANAYA: 28  
KANAYA: Dave I Apologise If It Is None Of My Business But Is Your Wisdom Modifier Also In The Negatives  
DAVE: i dont have to be wise to do my magic  
DAVE: did rose have you max out your listen skill  
KANAYA: She Suggested I Might Not Want To Have Things Easily Sneak Up On Me And I Agreed  
VRISKA: Gamzee are you going to keep rolling that D12 instead of the D20?  
GAMZEE: HeLlS yEs I fUcKiNg Am.  
VRISKA: Ok8y, just checking. ::::\  
JOHN: acromony and... whatever vriska's character is named both hear the distant but unmistakable sound of a large creature approaching.  
VRISKA: Wh8 does it sound like?  
JOHN: huge footsteps and slithering, coming from off the road. you can't tell exactly what's making it due to the fog and foilage  
DAVE: see kanaya i told you you shouldve gotten your sword out  
KANAYA: Acrimony Announces To Her Companions That A Large Creature Of Some Sort Is Approaching And Readies Her Greataxe  
GAMZEE: I gEt My LuTe OuT.  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT'S GOING TO HELP A LOT, I'M SURE.  
VRISKA: I 8ack away from the rest of the group, and disappear into the under8rush on the opposite side of the road from the 8ig monster.  
JOHN: roll hide  
VRISKA: 34  
JOHN: wow. yeah you're pretty well hidden  
KARKAT: AT THE RISK OF BEING THE VOICE OF REASON FOR THIS TRAINWRECK, WHY ARE WE NOT JUST RUNNING?  
DAVE: because it s a random encounter and were not supposed to run  
JOHN: for my reference, everyone please put your miniatures on the grid where your character is standing  
KANAYA: Please Position My Miniature At The Front Of The Group Between Us And The Direction Of The Monster  
GAMZEE: pUt Me Up ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg FrOnT bRo.  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU TAKING POINT YOU IDIOT? KANAYA IS THE TANK.  
GAMZEE: I gOt Me A pLaN.  
DAVE: whys my sorc holding a book  
JOHN: that mini is technically supposed to be a wizard  
JOHN: i don't have the correct minis for everything  
KANAYA: Is That Why My Miniature Is Using A Mace  
JOHN: yeah exactly  
KANAYA: Okay Because I Was Concerned For A Moment Due To The Fact That A Mace Has Much Lower Damage Output  
DAVE: yeah rose didnt help her minmax at all  
KARKAT: YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT KANAYA'S CHARACTER, DESPITE WHAT VRISKA HAS BEEN ROLLING?  
DAVE: yeah good point  
VRISKA: You're just jealous of my dice skills!  
JOHN: there is a tense moment as the party braces for battle. then out of the mist charges a huge monster! this beast resembles some great reptile with a veritable forest of heads on long, slender necks. oh and it has reddish skin  
DAVE: did you just read the description out of the book  
JOHN: yeah. so what?  
KANAYA: How Many Heads Does It Have  
JOHN: you count six  
KARKAT: I'M GLAD I'M IN THE BACK.  
VRISKA: Okay that mini looks more like a giant ro8ot than a hydra.  
JOHN: the mini is a warforged titan. it's the only huge creature i have. just pretend its a six headed lizard  
GAMZEE: aW sHiT yEaH tHiS iS wHeRe ThE iMaGiNaTiOn MaKeS aLl ThE mIrAcLeS hApPeN. :o)  
JOHN: anyway everyone roll initiative  
VRISKA: 21!  
KANAYA: 17  
GAMZEE: 4 :o(  
DAVE: 11  
KARKAT: 15  
JOHN: looks like vriskas going first  
VRISKA: Is there any way for me to sneak 8ehiiiiiiiind it????????  
JOHN: the group of people is a big obvious distracting target even though the monster can look six directions at once. you can probably do it if youre careful  
VRISKA: I creep as carefully 8ut as quickly as I can. I got... 24 move silently.  
JOHN: youre lucky, the hydra doesn't seem to notice you  
VRISKA: I w8 for the opportune moment to strike! ::::)  
JOHN: ooooooookay. acrimony youre next  
KANAYA: Acrimony Charges The Creature As She Flies Into A Rage  
JOHN: if nothing else you're definitely going to keep it distracted from the sneaking rogue  
VRISKA: Assassin.  
KARKAT: EVIL MURDERER.  
DAVE: hydra bait  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
JOHN: the hydra gets to make an attack of opportunity against her as she enters its threatened area. does... 23 hit you?  
KANAYA: It Does Not Due To The Mobility Feat Giving Four Additional Armor Class Against Attacks Of Opportunity  
KARKAT: SO THE RAMPAGING BARBARIAN IS EVEN MORE UNSTOPPABLE WHILE RAMPAGING LIKE A LUNATIC? HOW IS THAT BALANCED COMPARED TO THE REST OF THE CLASSES IN THE GAME?  
JOHN: go ahead and roll your attack. you get +2 to the roll from the charge  
KANAYA: Here I Go  
KANAYA: Oh Hell  
VRISKA: Ha! Nice two, fussyfangs!  
KANAYA: That Was Not The Number That I Intended To Roll  
KARKAT: ADD IT UP, YOU MIGHT HIT. I DOUBT A GIANT LIZARD IS HARD TO HIT WITH A MACE.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Uses A Greataxe  
KARKAT: THE FUCKING MINI THREW ME OFF. ALSO, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.  
KANAYA: My Total Is Eighteen  
JOHN: oh wow. yeah that hits  
VRISKA: Wh8t!  
JOHN: if it wasnt for the +2 from charging shed have missed. go ahead and roll damage kanaya  
KANAYA: Thirteen Damage  
JOHN: the monster roars in pain as the greataxe goes into its chest. you definitely made an impression  
GAMZEE: aM i NeXt?  
KARKAT: NO YOU MORON, YOU ROLLED A 2 ON A FUCKING D12 AND GOT A TOTAL OF SHIT. WE'RE PLAYING WITH TWO MINMAXED PSYCHO CHARACTERS PLUS WHATEVER THE FUCK DAVE CAME UP WITH ON HIS CHARACTER SHEET COVERED IN RAP AND PUPPET DOODLES.  
DAVE: brofists charsheet is legit dont be hatin  
KARKAT: I DON'T... EVEN KNOW WHAT MOST OF THOSE WORDS MEANT?  
GAMZEE: Me NeItHeR mY bEsT fRiEnD.  
KARKAT: WOW THAT'S FUCKING NEW.  
JOHN: its actually your turn karkat  
KARKAT: OH IS IT? SPECTACULAR. NOBODY HAS BEEN INJURED YET SO NOOKSTUFFER HAS NOTHING TO DO.  
JOHN: you know clerics can do other things besides healing, right?  
KARKAT: YES I LOOKED AT MY SPELLS AND DOMAIN SHIT. I ASSUMED I'D BE MORE USEFUL TO THE GROUP AS A HEALBOT. AND LET'S FACE IT, WITH THIS GROUP IT'S GOING TO BE FUCKING NEEDED.  
DAVE: so wait did you prepare any other magic at all  
KARKAT: NO. WHY?  
DAVE: haha man just checking dont worry about it  
JOHN: alright well after karkat the hydra goes  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
JOHN: the only one close enough for the hydra to attack at the moment is acrimony and she just hit it with an axe. all six heads bite at her one after another  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUCK.  
JOHN: does... 17 hit you?  
KANAYA: No  
JOHN: 19  
KANAYA: No  
JOHN: 15 misses... 9 definitely misses... 26?  
KANAYA: I Am Afraid That Does Hit Me  
JOHN: 11 damage  
KANAYA: I Will Record It At The Top  
JOHN: and the last attack... 22?  
KANAYA: That Is A Hit As Well  
JOHN: you take... another 9 damage  
KARKAT: WELL I'M FUCKING GLAD I WASTED MY TURN BEFORE THE MONSTER DID ANYTHING. WHAT'S IT LIKE BLEEDING TO DEATH, KANAYA?  
KANAYA: Relatively Speaking I Have Taken Very Little Damage  
KARKAT: GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU THAT YOU CAN ABSORB BEING HALF-EATEN BY A GIANT LIZARD. NOOKSTUFFER WILL BE HERE TO PUT YOUR BLOOD BACK INSIDE WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED BEING DIGESTED, WHEN HE'S NOT BUSY STANDING AROUND FONDLING HIMSELF.  
VRISKA: Is th8t what priests of the sun do when they're not 8usy healing?  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER'S FAITH IS A COMPLEX AND MANY-FACETED THING. EXCEPT, REPLACE COMPLEX WITH RETARDED AND FACETED WITH ME GOUGING MY EYES OUT WITH A SHARP OBJECT BOTH IN-GAME AND OUT.  
JOHN: karkat since you held your action on your turn you can jump into the initiative at any time and take your action then  
KARKAT: OH SO I CAN HEAL KANAYA NOW?  
JOHN: yeah  
KARKAT: OKAY EXCELLENT. GLAD I CAN BE SLIGHTLY USEFUL AT RANDOM POINTS IN THE TURN ORDER. THAT'S SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIBLE. NOOKSTUFFER CASTS CURE MODERATE WOUNDS, HEALING ACRIMONY FOR... 18 DAMAGE.  
KANAYA: Excellent I Am Almost At Full Health  
GAMZEE: iS iT mY tUrN yEt?  
DAVE: no man i think im next  
JOHN: yeah dave is next  
DAVE: hell yes  
DAVE: everyone sit back and get ready for the magic cuz brofist is about to crank out some fireworks  
KARKAT: THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.  
DAVE: i cast flare  
VRISKA: WH8T!  
DAVE: hydra has to make a fortitude save or its like blinded or some shit  
JOHN: huh. it rolled a natural 1  
DAVE: cool the hydra is... dazzled  
KARKAT: DAZZLED? WHAT THE FUCK IS DAZZLED?  
DAVE: dazzled is step 1 of my master fucking plan  
KARKAT: NO. SERIOUSLY. DOES THIS GAME HAVE A STATUS CONDITION CALLED "DAZZLED?"  
JOHN: yeah it basically cant see as good for a while. also makes it slightly shittier at attacking  
VRISKA: D8ve dont you have aaaaaaaany offensive a8ilities????????  
DAVE: trust me on this the flare is the shits business  
JOHN: gamzee youre up  
KARKAT: OH GOD, HERE WE GO.  
GAMZEE: I sEe ThE bIg MoNsTeR. aNd ThE bIg MoNsTeR lOoKs At Me. AnD i'M lIkE, wHy CaNt We JuSt Be BrOs BrO? bUt ItS aLl HuGe AnD dEaDlY aNd ItS a MoThErFuCkInG tRaGeDy ThAt We CaNt CoMmUnIcAtE lIkE tWo PeOpLe. AnD iF iTs ThReAtEnInG mY bRoS tHeN iTs GoT tO mOtHeRfUcKiNg Go.  
KARKAT: ...WHAT?  
GAMZEE: I dRaW mY wEaPoN aNd ChArGe ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR. :o)  
JOHN: as you charge it rolls... 11 on its attack of opportunity which i assume misses  
GAMZEE: ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR cAnT hIt Me. I'm AbOuT tO wReCk ItS sHiT.  
DAVE: oh shit he switched to the rainbow colored d20 for this one  
VRISKA: This outta 8e good.  
GAMZEE: mOtHeRfUcKiNg MoThErFuCkEr!!!!!  
KANAYA: He Rolled A Natural Twenty  
VRISKA: Critical hit 8itch!  
JOHN: hang on what weapon is gamzees character even using  
DAVE: it says on his sheet... dwarven waraxe  
VRISKA: Dwarven Waraxe?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A DWARVEN?  
GAMZEE: DwArVeS aRe LiKe HaLfLiNgS bUt OnLy WiTh BeArDs AlL uP oN tHeIr FaCeS  
JOHN: not that it matters in this case but is gamzees character even proficient with that weapon?  
KANAYA: I Dont Believe So  
JOHN: okay just checking. roll damage  
GAMZEE: iLl RoLl ThE mAgIc PlAsTiC bUt CaN oNe Of YoU bRoS mAkE sUrE i PuT tHoSe NuMbErS tOgEtHeR iN tHe RiGhT wAy?  
DAVE: i got you bro go ahead and give it a roll  
GAMZEE: 7  
DAVE: so thats 45 damage to the hydra  
KARKAT: WHAT THE GIANT THROBBING FUCK?  
JOHN: that cant be right. kanaya can you double check the math on that since youre sitting next to him  
KANAYA: Let Me See He Rolled A Seven Plus One From His Characters Strength Score Plus One From The Weapons Enhancement Bonus Plus Six From Power Attack Which Is Fifteen Total Which Is Then Tripled On A Critical Hit  
JOHN: jesus  
DAVE: yeah man the bard is serious shit  
KANAYA: Power Attack Is An Odd Choice Of Feat For A Bard But I Am Not Going To Question Its Effectiveness  
GAMZEE: HoNk.  
JOHN: alright... note to self: next time use more monsters  
VRISKA: We're 8ack at the top with my turn now, right?  
JOHN: yeah sorry its your turn  
VRISKA: Well while the hydra is distraaaaaaaacted, I sneak up 8ehind it and sta8 it in a vulnera8le place!  
JOHN: it hasnt spotted you and youre also technically flanking, so its flat footed  
VRISKA: I know. ::::)  
JOHN: roll it  
VRISKA: 24  
JOHN: you hit  
VRISKA: Fuck!!!!!!!! Rolled gar8age on my sneak attack dice. 12 damage.  
KANAYA: Nice Twos And Ones On Those D6s Vriska  
VRISKA: Shut the fuck up!  
JOHN: your turn kanaya  
KANAYA: Acrimony Is Still In Her Barbarian Rage So She Will Continue Attacking The Hydra  
JOHN: since you dont have to move or anything you can take a full attack action and make two attacks  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT?  
KANAYA: That Is Not A Special Barbarian Thing That Is Something That Applies To Every Character Depending On Their Base Attack Bonus  
KARKAT: THIS GAME IS WAY TOO FUCKING COMPLICATED. WHY DO PEOPLE PLAY THIS?  
DAVE: technically they dont play it anymore since the world ended  
KARKAT: OH FUCK. I FORGOT, THE EARTH WAS DESTROYED. AND THE UNIVERSE - NAY - ALL OF PARADOX SPACE WAS ROBBED OF THIS SPECTACULAR MIRACLE OF GAME DESIGN YOUR STUPID FUCKING SPECIES CAME UP WITH.  
DAVE: yeah basically  
KANAYA: I Roll An Eighteen To Hit The Hydra  
JOHN: you hit. roll damage  
KANAYA: Seventeen  
KANAYA: Unfortunately I Rolled Very Poorly On My Other Attack And I Do Not Think Thirteen Will Hit  
JOHN: and because nookstuffer delayed his action last round, he goes after the hydra this time  
KARKAT: SPECTACULAR. TRY NOT TO DIE BEFORE MY TURN, OKAY GUYS?  
VRISKA: I'll 8e fine. ::::)  
KARKAT: YEAH BECAUSE THE THIEF/ASSASSIN/WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE IS THE ONE WHO I WAS WORRIED WOULD GET EATEN BY THE HYDRA, AND NOT ONE OF THE TWO FUCKING PSYCHOS ATTACKING IT FROM THE FRONT. I MEAN, IT ONLY HAS SIX FUCKING HEADS. HOW MANY DO WE HAVE TO CUT OFF TO KILL IT ANYWAY?  
JOHN: actually if you cut off one of the heads, two more grow back  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, THESE THINGS CAN HAVE EVEN MORE HEADS?  
JOHN: yeah the monster manual has stats for up to twelve heads naturally  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
JOHN: and any hydra can ultimately have up to double its original heads if you just keep cutting them off  
KARKAT: WELL I'M GLAD WE'RE NOT DOING THE DECAPITATION STRATEGY, BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT WOULD FUCKING WORK. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KILL THIS THING ANYWAY?  
VRISKA: It'd 8e dead if I had rolled 8etter. These d6's are laaaaaaaame.  
JOHN: the hydra is more concerned with the creatures in front of it than the one behind. three heads attack each of you starting with gamzee  
GAMZEE: Uh Oh.  
JOHN: does 18 hit you?  
GAMZEE: YeS. :o(  
JOHN: 7 damage  
GAMZEE: Ow!  
JOHN: and does... 17 hit you?  
GAMZEE: It MoThErFuCkInG dOeS.  
JOHN: 12 damage.  
GAMZEE: mOtHeRfUcK!  
JOHN: and the last one is... 22 which i know hits. 9 more damage.  
GAMZEE: tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR iS gOiNg To NeEd SoMe MoThErFuCkInG bAnDaGeS rEaL fUcKiNg SoOn.  
JOHN: and kanaya does... 23 hit you  
KANAYA: It Does  
JOHN: 13 damage. and i know 15 misses... does 19 hit?  
KANAYA: It Does Not  
JOHN: okay. karkat's turn  
GAMZEE: HoNk. :O(  
KARKAT: RELAX YOU GIANT FUCKING WRIGGLER I'M GOING TO HEAL YOU. KANAYA, SORRY, HE NEEDS THE HEALING MORE THAN YOU AND YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE ANOTHER ROUND OF THE HYDRA.  
KANAYA: I Am Fine With That  
KARKAT: I CAST CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS, HEALING GAMZEE FOR... 26 DAMAGE  
GAMZEE: iM sTiLl BlEeDiNg A lItTlE bIt BrO cAn YoU fIx Me AnY mOrE wItH yOuR mIrAcLeS?  
KARKAT: MAYBE NEXT TURN. WHO'S NEXT?  
DAVE: yo  
KARKAT: OH JEGUS HERE WE GO.  
DAVE: i have exactly the spell for this situation just you watch  
DAVE: move my mini so im within 15 feet  
GAMZEE: i GoT yOu BrO.  
DAVE: thats not me thats kanaya  
DAVE: thats karkat you dumbass  
DAVE: fuck it ill do it  
KANAYA: Dave If You Are Casting The Spell I Think You Are Casting Then I Doubt It Will Be Very Effective  
DAVE: relax i got this  
DAVE: burning hands  
DAVE: for... 15 fire damage  
JOHN: unfortunately the hydra is immune to fire  
DAVE: what  
KANAYA: If You Recall The Earlier Description Of The Monster It Was Bright Red Which Means This Is A Pyrohydra  
KARKAT: WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS IT IMMUNE TO FIRE AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A PYRO HYDRA? WHO THE FUCK INVENTS THIS SHIT ANYWAY?  
DAVE: greeks i think  
JOHN: gamzees turn  
GAMZEE: i HiT iT aGaIn.  
JOHN: roll it  
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkInG mOtHeRfUcK!  
VRISKA: Did he just crit8cal again????????  
DAVE: no he rolled shit  
DAVE: a 3  
KANAYA: Plus... Wait A Minute Gamzee Why Is Your Attack Bonus Negative Three  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DAVE: hahaha man the math is right its negative three  
GAMZEE: :o(  
KARKAT: STRIDER YOUR CHARACTER HAS MULTIPLE ABILITY MODIFIERS IN THE NEGATIVES AND HAS YET TO DO ONE PIECE OF MAGIC THAT REMOTELY IMPRESSED ANYONE OR ANYTHING.  
DAVE: man were all rolling crappy in this fight even john is  
VRISKA: The dice can 8e unkind!  
KARKAT: OKAY BUT THIS IS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING WE HAVE FOUGHT IN THE GAME AND LIKE THE SECOND THING WE HAVE DONE OVERALL. AND WE'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS ABOUT IT, APPARENTLY.  
JOHN: anyway, its vriskas turn  
VRISKA: I assume the hydra noticed me when I sta88ed it, correct?  
JOHN: yes but youre still in a flanking position so you can still sneak attack  
VRISKA: I do exactly that!  
VRISKA: Oh hell!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: see even shes rolling shitty now  
VRISKA: Shut up! I'm changing dice........  
JOHN: your turn kanaya  
KANAYA: Once Again Acrimony Continues To Attack With Her Greataxe  
KANAYA: That Is A 30  
JOHN: oh yeah, you definitely hit  
KANAYA: Twenty Damage  
KANAYA: And For My Second Attack I Got 14 Which I Assume Does Not Hit  
JOHN: nope. and now its the hydras turn  
GAMZEE: Oh BoY hErE wE gO mY fRiEnDs.  
JOHN: the hydra makes a five foot step to here so that all its heads are directly facing the three of you in front of it  
DAVE: oh fuck  
JOHN: and breathes out a huge gout of flame!  
KARKAT: IT BREATHES FUCKING FIRE TOO?!  
JOHN: brofist acrimony and gamzee's character, roll a reflex save  
KARKAT: WAIT AM I OUTSIDE THE AREA OF EFFECT?  
JOHN: yeah  
KARKAT: HAHA. I KNEW HANGING BACK WAS THE RIGHT IDEA.  
GAMZEE: 22  
KANAYA: 18  
DAVE: fuck  
JOHN: whatd you get dave  
DAVE: a fucking 6 man just move on to the part where i die horribly  
JOHN: kanaya and gamzee succeed on their reflex saves and will take half damage. dave takes full  
KARKAT: OKAY THIS CREATURE IS OFFICIALLY SCARIER THAN MOST OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT YOUR CULTURE COMES UP WITH. THIS IS ACTUALLY A HALFWAY RESPECTIBLE MONSTER. IT'S LIKE A DRAGON EXCEPT WITHOUT WINGS, AND MORE BITING. YOU HAVE ACTUALLY EARNED A MINISCULE SLIVER OF MY RESPECT.  
DAVE: guys i think karkats having a stroke  
KARKAT: CRAM IT DOWN YOUR BULGE STEM YOU DENSE FUCKING IMBECILE. YOUR CHARACTER IN GAME IS LIKE GAMZEE IN REALITY, EXCEPT YOU'RE PROBABLY DEAD. BUT, THAT'S PROBABLY AN IMPROVEMENT SO CONGRATULATIONS ON FUCKING THAT.  
JOHN: dave takes 53 fire damage. gamzee and kanaya each take 26  
DAVE: fuck  
GAMZEE: ShIt  
KANAYA: Ouch  
KARKAT: OKAY IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT WE SOMEHOW ADD AN ADDITIONAL PLAYER TO THIS DISASTER, WE'RE GETTING ANOTHER FUCKING HEALER.  
VRISKA: Agreed. ::::\  
JOHN: well gamzee can heal too. he's not as good at it as you are but hes fully capable  
KARKAT: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. GAMZEE IS NOT, HAS NEVER BEEN, AND NEVER WILL BE, "FULLY CAPABLE" OF ANYTHING.  
GAMZEE: HoNk. :o(  
KARKAT: IT'S MY FUCKING TURN NOW, RIGHT?  
JOHN: yeah  
KARKAT: OKAY LET'S PERFORM SOME TRIAGE. FIRST OF ALL, BROFIST, ARE YOU DEAD?  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: oh hang on i forgot how many hit points i even have  
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST COME THE FUCK ON.  
DAVE: okay im at -8 hit points right now  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK  
DAVE: no its fine i dont die until -10  
KARKAT: WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE. WHY NOT JUST 0? HOW CAN YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE AMOUNT OF BEING ALIVE AND STILL BE ALIVE? ARE YOU FUCKING UNDEAD NOW OR SOMETHING?  
KANAYA: I Do Not Believe That Is How It Works  
DAVE: man i dont know the game was made in like 1970 or something im sure it made sense back then  
KARKAT: CURE CRITICAL WOUNDS ON DAVE. 32 HIT POINTS HEALED. KANAYA, HOW'RE YOUR HIT POINTS DOING?  
KANAYA: I Have Taken 41 Points Of Damage Total Out Of A Maximum Of 94 Hit Points  
KARKAT: GAMZEE?  
GAMZEE: iM aLl BuRnEd Up AnD sHiT bRo. :o(  
KARKAT: YES YOU IDIOT, I KNOW. SOMEONE WHO CAN DO SIMPLE MATH PLEASE TELL ME HOW DEAD HE IS?  
KANAYA: He Has Taken 28 Points Of Damage Total Out Of A Maximum Of 33 Hit Points  
JOHN: wait a minute the sorcerer has almost double the bards hit points?  
VRISKA: Yeah D8ve has more HP than me too somehow.  
JOHN: dave what the fuck?  
DAVE: dude would i ever lie about maths  
DAVE: the numbers and shit are all sacred to me each and every single one  
DAVE: brofist has a high con score  
DAVE: he grew up on the streets he had to be tough  
KARKAT: OKAY, DAVE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE HYDRA ON YOUR TURN, YOU'RE USELESS ANYWAY. GAMZEE, HEAL YOURSELF ON YOUR TURN AND THEN BACK AWAY TOO. EVERYONE STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER SO THE HYDRA CANT GET US ALL AT ONCE LIKE THAT AGAIN. I'LL JUST STAY WITHIN HEALING RANGE OF KANAYA AND SHE CAN HOPEFULLY HOLD HER OWN WITH MY SUPPORT.  
VRISKA: Any 8attlefield plans for me, oh 8rave tactical leader? ::::\  
KARKAT: YEAH. WHEN THE FIGHT'S OVER, SNEAK BEHIND US AND STAB US ALL IN THE BACK SO WE CAN ALL DIE AND STOP PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME.  
DAVE: i dunno man the way youre barking orders tells me youre having more fun than you pretend  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FOR SUGGESTING THAT, AND FUCK YOU IN GENERAL FOR ALL THE USUAL REASONS, YOU IDOITIC PIECE OF SHIT.  
DAVE: thats the spirit  
JOHN: anyway, its daves turn  
DAVE: can the hydra bite me from where i am  
JOHN: no youre out of its reach although youre still within the area of its breath weapon if/when it uses it next  
DAVE: cool so someone move me back some and then ill cast magic missile  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK CAN THERE EVEN BE MISSILES IN A FANTASY SETTING WITH MAGIC AND FIRE BREATHING MONSTERS?  
DAVE: just throwing this out there but maybe because its magic  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: shit i only have one d4 i need like four i think  
KANAYA: I Have Some Extra Dice You Can Borrow Some Of Mine  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: okay rolling  
DAVE: 15  
KARKAT: THAT'S THE SAME AMOUNT OF DAMAGE YOU TRIED AND FAILED TO DO LAST TIME.  
KANAYA: Yes But This Time It Was Not Fire Damage So It Was More Effective  
KARKAT: MORE EFFECTIVE THAN ZERO? IT'S LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR IT TO BE ANYTHING BUT THAT. UNLESS HE HAS A SPELL THAT JUST DOES LITERALLY NEGATIVE DAMAGE. WHICH... I GUESS WOULD JUST BE A HEALING SPELL.  
DAVE: man sorcs cant heal what are you crazy  
KARKAT: MAYBE IF YOU COULD HEAL YOU'D BE LESS OF A LIABILITY.  
VRISKA: Can we move on alr8dy?!  
JOHN: yes please. gamzee its your turn.  
GAMZEE: i NeEd To ReTrEaT aLl Up OuTtA tHiS lIzArDs GrIlL.  
JOHN: the monster will get to make an attack of opportunity against you as you leave its threatened area  
GAMZEE: gOt No ChOiCe BrO.  
GAMZEE: gOtTa PuT mY fAiTh In ThE mIrAcLe ThAt IlL mAkE iT oUt SaFe.  
KARKAT: WAIT HOLD ON I FORGOT IT WOULD KILL YOU IF YOU TRIED TO RUN AWAY. FORGET MY SHITTY PLAN, IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE.  
GAMZEE: MaN nO. i GoTtA bE aLl HaViNg My PeAcE mAdE wItH tHe WoRlD iF iM gOnNa Be MaKiNg A rIsK lIkE tHiS aLl Up In HeRe.  
DAVE: oh shit this is the most dramatic moving of an inch tall plastic dude ive ever seen  
JOHN: the hydra snaps at you as you try backing away from it, rolling an 11 which i'm pretty sure misses  
GAMZEE: I eMeRgE aLl KiNdS oF fUcKiNg UnScAtHeD.  
VRISKA: Nice dum8 luck there, Gamzee.  
GAMZEE: i DoNt NeEd To Be SmArT wHeN i GoT a GeNuInE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE oN mY sIdE hErE.  
KARKAT: JUST HEAL YOURSELF YOU DOUCHEBAG SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THIS.  
GAMZEE: cUrInG tHe FuCk OuT oF tHeSe SeRiOuS wOuNdS hErE mOtHeRfUcKeR.  
JOHN: vriskas turn  
VRISKA: I'm still flanking the 8east, right?  
JOHN: yeah as long as kanaya stays where she is  
KANAYA: That Is The Plan  
VRISKA: Sneak attack again. 27!  
JOHN: you hit  
VRISKA: HA! Much 8etter roll this time. That's... 29 damage!  
JOHN: you must have hit something vital because it jerks once and then goes falls over dead, nearly landing on top of kanaya. the heads twitch several times and then go limp. the hydra is slain.  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK WE WON. HOW DID WE EVEN DO THAT?  
DAVE: teamwork and lots of it obviously  
VRISKA: Once it stops twitching, I walk over to a head and pry out a tooth as a trophy!  
GAMZEE: i TaKe OuT mY lUtE aNd StArT sTrUmMiN.  
KANAYA: It Is Not Immediately Urgent But Can You Heal Me Please  
KARKAT: YEAH JUST A SEC... CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS FOR 24 HP AND CURE LIGHT WOUNDS FOR ANOTHER 11.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Thanks Nookstuffer For The Healing And For Helping Out With The Battle In General  
KARKAT: YEAH DON'T MENTION IT. HEY, I HAVE A FUCKING IDEA. LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS SWAMP BEFORE MORE HORRIBLE MONSTERS SHOW UP? WE HAVE A BANDIT CAMP TO GO GET KILLED IN.

to be continued...  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally unplanned, I started writing this at 4:13 pm. :D
> 
> Props to Nick for some additional spell checking/error checking.


	2. Karkat Learns How Magic Works

VRISKA: So, Nookstuffer, how's pelor 8een treating you lately?  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
VRISKA: You worship the sun god, right?  
KARKAT: YES. HE WATCHES OVER ALL OF US AND SOMETHING SOMETHING BLAH BLAH BLAH. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?  
VRISKA: Well, o8viously you see the 8ig flaw in putting your f8th in that guy, riiiiiiiight????????  
KARKAT: ENLIGHTEN ME.  
VRISKA: Well I'm just thinking aloud here. 8ut the sun isn't around aaaaaaaall the time.  
KARKAT: YOU DON'T SAY.  
VRISKA: So 8asically, your god a8andons you every night!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET A RISE OUT OF NOOKSTUFFER, YOUR BULLSHIT IS FALLING ON DEAF EARS. IN FACT, I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO NOT PUT ANY SKILL POINTS INTO LISTEN SPECIFICALLY TO SPARE NOOKSTUFFER FROM YOUR CHARACTER'S INEVITIBLE ONSLUGHT OF VERBAL HOOFBEASTSHIT.  
VRISKA: In th8t case, I continue messing with Nookstuffer in Drow Sign Language!  
JOHN: uh. wow. you really DID read though all the source books didnt you  
VRISKA: Drow is 8asically the 8est race there is. The 8est!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY FUCKING PATHETIC? HER CHARACTER IS MOCKING ME IN A LANGUAGE SHE KNOWS FULL WELL I DON'T AND CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT MOCKING ME IN COMMON IS A WASTE OF TIME. BUT SOMEHOW SIGN LANGUAGE, OF ALL THINGS, IS COMPLETELY WORTH HER TIME.  
VRISKA: Fuck you!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: ALSO, GOOD JOB ON YOUR CONTINUED EFFORTS TO MAKE SURE NOOKSTUFFER NEVER HEALS YOU. I WOULD SAY YOU'RE SCREWED THE NEXT TIME WE GET INTO A FIGHT, BUT BETWEEN DICE AND MIN-MAXING, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ENDED UP BASICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE.  
VRISKA: 8h, nice one Kark8! You c8ll me minm8xed wh8n we h8ve Kan8ya over there with 8lmost a hundred HP 8nd the 8est offense and defense out of 8ll of us!  
KARKAT: HONESTLY? I'M OKAY WITH KANAYA'S CHARACTER SINCE SHE BALANCES OUT SHITTY AND SHITTIER OVER THERE.  
DAVE: hey gamzee am i shitty or shittier  
GAMZEE: WhAt BrO?  
DAVE: haha nevermind i guess it doesnt really matter  
JOHN: the party continues traveling the road for the next few hours, the assassin making weird hand gestures at the cleric  
VRISKA: Hey Nookstuffer, guess wh8 this sign means!  
KARKAT: OH FUCK. A MIDDLE FINGER? REALLY? YOU'VE FOUND MY ONE WEAKNESS. I AM DEAD NOW. YOU'VE KILLED ME. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS.  
DAVE: hey dungeon master can i try to decode what her sign language means  
JOHN: ha ha. yeah go ahead and try it  
DAVE: what do i roll  
JOHN: just roll intelligence  
KANAYA: I Dont Think That Is Going To Work Very Well  
DAVE: yeah i got  
DAVE: yknow what nevermind what the total is its bad  
JOHN: brofist has no idea what the sign language means. if you had to guess youd say shes hitting on him?  
DAVE: haha so basically i guessed right  
VRISKA: Wh8!  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
KARKAT: DAVE IF YOU EVER SO MUCH AS *THINK* ABOUT INSINUATING SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, OF ANY QUADRANT, BETWEEN ME AND THIS PSYCHOTIC BITCH, EITHER IN-GAME OUR OUT, I WILL FUCKING SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU FUCKING CAME FROM.  
VRISKA: Agr88d!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: so back to a spooge machine on a meteor got it  
JOHN: dont be gross dave thats not how ectobiology works  
KARKAT: YEAH, THE MACHINE DOESN'T INVOLVE "SPOOGE," WHICH I CAN ONLY ASSUME IS SOME DISGUSTING HUMAN THING. IT'S JUST A PROCESS OF COMBINING LIQUIFIED GENETIC MATERIAL TO CREATE OFFSPRING.  
JOHN: thats, uh...  
DAVE: yknow what in the interest of not causing karkat to meltdown over 7th grade health class material  
DAVE: which is always fun but usually way too fucking time consuming  
DAVE: i think im going to go ahead and not explain what spooge is  
KANAYA: Thank You  
DAVE: youre welcome  
DAVE: i guess  
JOHN: eventually the sun begins to set as you reach the edge of the marshy area. you can see the beginning of the forest far off on the horizon but its going to get dark soon. this is a good spot to make camp  
KARKAT: OH GOOD. CAMPING WITH DUMB, DUMBER, PSYCHO, AND KANAYA. AT NIGHT, BECAUSE HUMANS ARE DIURNAL AND SO LOGICALLY ALL OTHER RACES IN THIS WORLD ARE TOO. JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. THIS GAME IS BASICALLY THE ULTIMATE WISH FULFILLMENT FANTASY HERE. I FUCKING MEAN IT, SOMEBODY HOLD ME, I'M GOING TO BREAK OUT INTO FUCKING TEARS.  
DAVE: gamzee am i dumb or dumber  
GAMZEE: dUdE wHaT?  
DAVE: actually nevermind can i be psycho  
DAVE: i want to be psycho how do i be psycho  
DAVE: can i just call dibs on psycho because if so dibs on psycho  
KARKAT: WHO'S TAKING FIRST WATCH? IT SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THE SPELLCASTERS SINCE WE NEED TO SLEEP TO GET OUR DAILY SPELLS BACK. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT?  
KANAYA: Acrimony Volunteers To Take First Watch  
VRISKA: As the only party mem8er with darkvision, I graciously volunteer to take the second watch!  
VRISKA: Don't worry, friends. With my keen senses we can 8e sure that no hungry creatures or nighttime 8andits sneak up on us while we sleep!  
DAVE: shes gonna rob us  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
GAMZEE: nAh MaN i ThInK i TrUsT hEr I mEaN wHy WoUlD sHe Be GeTtInG aLl Of HeR tEaMwOrK oN iF sHe WaS aBoUt To Up AnD bAcK sTaB tHe MoThEr FuCk OuT oF uS?  
VRISKA: Oh come ON!!!!!!!! Even if I w8sted all this time following you into the wilderness just to ro8 you, you don't have anything worth stealing!  
DAVE: youll steal my magic  
VRISKA: That doesn't even m8ke sense!  
DAVE: im a sorcerer that means i dont have to understand how magic and shit works i just kind of do it  
DAVE: so yeah brofist is terrified the freaky dark elf lady is going to steal his magic  
DAVE: john what do i roll for terrified  
JOHN: uh, you dont...?  
DAVE: i ll just roll a will save then  
VRISKA: Oh my g8d this is ret8rded. Some8ne else can t8ke watch, I don't even c8re.  
DAVE: i got a 14  
VRISKA: 14 against what?  
DAVE: against your assassin fear aura  
DAVE: you have one of those right  
VRISKA: No........?  
DAVE: shit well im scared anyway  
DAVE: i hide behind nookstuffer  
DAVE: keep the scary lady away she wants to steal my magics  
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OFF ME. IN-GAME AND OUT.  
DAVE: brofist wants his mommy  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT, GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKING CHAIR OUT OF GAME AND AWAY FROM ME IN GAME.  
GAMZEE: eLdOn GrEeNbOtTlE iS cOnFuSeD.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Is Taking First Watch  
KARKAT: I DON'T TRUST ANY OF YOU OTHER MORONS TO TAKE SECOND WATCH, SO I GUESS NOOKSTUFFER WILL HANDLE IT.  
VRISKA: I guess I'll just go fuck off then. ::::\  
JOHN: the night passes without incident.  
KARKAT: WELL I'M FUCKING GLAD WE HAD THAT WHOLE DEBATE, CONSIDERING IT ENDED UP NOT MAKING A SINGLE FUCKING BIT OF DIFFERENCE. NICE JOB, TEAM "DYSFUNCTIONAL AND MINMAXED." WE MANAGED TO SUCCESSFULLY SLEEP. HURRAY FOR FUCKING US.  
JOHN: karkat, now might be a good time to change up some of your prepared spells  
KARKAT: WHY'S THAT.  
JOHN: well i don't want to tell you how to play your character, but preparing nothing but healing spells as a good-aligned cleric is kind of a waste  
KARKAT: EGBERT WERE YOU PAYING ANY FUCKING ATTENTION DURING THAT HYDRA FIGHT? HALF OF US CAME WITHIN AN INCH OF DEATH AND THAT WAS JUST ONE MONSTER. IT DIDN'T EVEN USE ANY CLEVER TACTICS AGAINST US. WE NEED ALL THE HEALING WE CAN GET.  
JOHN: yeah but  
DAVE: oh man john dont ruin this for him hes enjoying playing nurse  
KARKAT: STRIDER FUCK OFF, I AM NOT A FUCKING NURSE. I AM YOUR LITERAL SAVIOR IN-GAME AND BASICALLY YOUR GOD IN REALITY.  
JOHN: as a good-aligned cleric, you have the ability to convert any prepared spell into a cure spell of the same level. so like for example if you have three 4th level spells per day, you can at any point "give up" one of those three prepared spells, regardless of what it is, and cast cure critical wounds instead  
KARKAT: WHAT. SINCE WHEN?  
DAVE: since forever man clerics could always do that  
KANAYA: Yes Rose Mentioned That Ability In Passing And I Was Somewhat Curious As To Why You Were Not Taking Advantage Of It Earlier  
VRISKA: I'm not even playing th8 class and I knew how it worked.  
KARKAT: LET ME GUESS, EVEN GAMZEE SOMEHOW KNEW ABOUT THAT FEATURE AS WELL?  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT. THIS GAME IS RETARDED AND INCONSISTENT. WHAT IS THE POINT, FROM A GAMEPLAY STANDPOINT, OF PICKING AHEAD OF TIME WHAT SPELLS I AM GOING TO CAST, WHEN I CAN JUST CHANGE THEM ON THE FUCKING FLY?  
KANAYA: It Is Likely That The Game Designers Allowed The Players To Change Their Mind And Convert An Offensive Ability Into A Healing Ability But Not Vice Versa So That If The Game Was Unbalanced It Would Be Unbalanced In Favor Of The Players Having More Survivability So That They Can Keep Playing The Game  
JOHN: thats, uh...  
GAMZEE: wHaT?  
VRISKA: Wow, Kan8ya.  
DAVE: haha god damn im starting to like having roses dnd protoge in the party  
DAVE: john can we keep her  
JOHN: aaaaaaaanyway, karkat, if you want to change what spells you have prepared, now is the time  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER PRAYS AT SUNRISE FOR HIS DAILY SPELLS. HAND ME THE PLAYER HANDBOOK SO I CAN PICK THIS SHIT.  
VRISKA: You should look 8t the spell compendium 8ook too. ::::)  
KARKAT: THANK YOU MISS MINMAX BUT I THINK I'LL CONFINE MYSELF TO ONE GOD DAMN SOURCEBOOK IN THE INTEREST OF FUCKING SANITY.  
VRISKA: Your loss.  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HALF OF THIS BULLSHIT EVEN FUCKING DOES. EGBERT, GET OVER HERE AND FUCKING HELP ME.  
GAMZEE: dOeS a MoThErFuCkEr HaVe TiMe To Go GrAb MoRe FaYgO?  
JOHN: yeah everybody take five i guess  
VRISKA: Dave hand me the monster manual. I want to ch8ck something.  
DAVE: haha i dont even want to know  
KANAYA: If We Have Time I Will Go Alchemize A More Appropriate Miniature For Acrimony  
DAVE: and get more tactical advice from rose right  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: I Mean No  
KANAYA: I Mean Maybe I Am And Maybe I Am Not It Is None Of Your Business  
DAVE: god i love this game so fucking much

\---

KARKAT: ALRIGHT I HAVE A PLAN TO PREVENT FUTURE "EVERYONE IS ABOUT TO DIE AND I CAN ONLY SAVE ONE OF US AT A TIME" SITUATIONS.  
VRISKA: Wow, a plan! This should 8e good.  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF. I HAVE A SPELL CALLED "IMBUE WITH SPELL ABILITY." I CAN TRANSFER A COUPLE OF MY SPELLS TO ONE OF YOU GUYS TO CAST WHEN THE NEED ARISES. THAT WAY SOMEONE ELSE CAN ELSE CAN HEAL WHEN WE'RE IN A REALLY TIGHT SPOT.  
DAVE: sicknasty  
KARKAT: SMALL CATCH THOUGH. THE RECIPIENT HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST FIVE INTELLIGENCE. SO STRIDER IS OUT.  
DAVE: oh no what am i gonna do without magic  
DAVE: oh wait nevermind i forgot i already am magic  
KARKAT: THEY ALSO HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST NINE WISDOM. I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY THEY PICKED THOSE TWO NUMBERS BUT THAT'S WHAT THE BOOK SAYS.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Meets Both Of Those Requirements  
KARKAT: GREAT. HERE YOU GO. YOU GET TWO CURE LIGHT WOUNDS AND ONE CURE MODERATE WOUNDS. DON'T DO ANYTHING EVIL WITH THEM BECAUSE APPARERENTLY I'M STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY GOD'S MAGIC EVEN WHEN I GIVE IT TO SOME RAMPAGING BARBARIAN.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Will Use Them Well  
KARKAT: ALSO SINCE BROFIST DECIDED HE ONLY KNOWS RETARDED SPELLS, I FIGURED I SHOULD GET SOME OFFENSE READY FOR WHEN WE INEVITABLY ALMOST GET SLAUGHTERED AGAIN.  
DAVE: thats a terrible idea  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
VRISKA: So, at this point every8ody in the party can cast spells.  
KARKAT: NO, EVERYBODY BUT YOU CAN CAST SPELLS, VRISKA. AND IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO IMBUE YOU WITH THE HOLY MAGIC OF THE INEXPLICABLY LAWFUL GOOD SUN, THINK AGAIN.  
VRISKA: Assassins are capa8le of casting spells too, Karkat. Didn't you know?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?  
KANAYA: It Is True The Assassin Class Has A Small Amount Of Spellcasting Ability  
JOHN: yeah mainly stealth based and a couple minor defensive self buffs. the amount of spells she gets is similar to a ranger or a paladin.  
VRISKA: Ive 8een saaaaaaaaving them for the 8est possi8le moment. 8ut I have them!  
KARKAT: OKAY SERIOUS QUESTION. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE AND THEIR LUSUS CAN PERFORM MAGIC, WHAT POSSIBLE PLACE CAN THERE BE FOR ROVING GROUPS OF RANDOM BANDITS? EVERY PERSON THEY'D TRY TO ATTACK OR KIDNAP WOULD TURN AROUND AND SHOOT A BOLT OF LIGHTNING INTO THEIR FUCKING FACE.  
JOHN: well not everyone is an adventurer like you guys. and this party is kind of... weird  
DAVE: no shit john did you just realize that  
DAVE: stop the presses everybody our dnd game with four aliens is  
DAVE: and im quoting our humble and all powerful game master here  
DAVE: "kind of weird"  
KANAYA: Nothing About This Party Strikes Me As Being Particularly Strange Based On My Knowledge Of The Game  
DAVE: thats because you learned how the game works from rose instead of someone normal  
DAVE: not that we have anyone more normal to be playing with but you know what i mean  
DAVE: rose once played a multiclass ranger assassin mystic theurge  
DAVE: just because she wanted to play a prestige class while meeting the prerequisites in the most bizarre roundabout way possible  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A MYSTIC THEURGE?  
DAVE: picture a theurge  
DAVE: except more mystical  
DAVE: anyway she also maxxed out her umd skill so she could use scrolls  
DAVE: first big city we came to she got a spell to turn herself into a fucking warforged titan  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A WARFORGED TITAN?  
DAVE: picture a titan  
KARKAT: IF YOU SAY, "EXCEPT MORE WARFORGED," I WILL LITERALLY CRAM THIS PLAYER'S HANDBOOK SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK WITHOUT DIGESTING THE ENTIRE FIGHTER CLASS FIRST.  
DAVE: look all im saying is theres a reason we dont play with rose anymore  
KANAYA: From The Exploits You Describe It Sounds Like Rose Merely Embraced The Innovative And Creative Aspects Of The Game  
DAVE: yeah and karkat embraced his slightly peeved side  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT YOU EMBRASE YOUR GO FUCK YOURSELF SIDE?  
DAVE: wow dude sick burn  
DAVE: want me to go eat the players handbook or are you going to feed it to me instead  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  
DAVE: nah  
VRISKA: Excuse me, 8ut if you two aren't too 8usy ver8ally spooning, does any8ody know where the hell Gamzee is? I'd like to get 8ack to the actual G8ME!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: he said he was getting more faygo  
KANAYA: It Usually Does Not Take Him This Long  
KARKAT: HE ALSO USUALLY HAS A BUNCH STORED IN HIS SYLLADEX. NOT THAT HE CAN EVER GET ANYTHING OUT OF THERE WITHOUT MAKING A MESS FIRST. BUT WE'D KNOW IF HE'D TRIED BECAUSE THE TABLE WOULD BE COVERED WITH UNICYCLES AND GLITTER.  
JOHN: should we wait for him or do we want to move on  
KARKAT: NO, FUCK, I'LL GO FIND HIM. IF WE'RE GOING TO PLAY WITH HIM WE'RE GOING TO DO IT RIGHT. AND BY "RIGHT" I MEAN "WHILE DRAGGING HIS RETARDED ASS THROUGH THE MUD AND EXPLAING EVERYTHING TO HIM SLOWLY AND REPEATEDLY."  
VRISKA: Ugh. More w8ting. ::::\  
GAMZEE: hOnK  
VRISKA: Wh8t th8 f8ck!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: GAMZEE WHAT IN THE UNHOLY NAME OF FUCK ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE TABLE?!  
GAMZEE: i DrOpPeD oNe Of ThOsE mAgIc TrIaNgLeS bRo.  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN... YOU DROPPED WHAT?  
JOHN: i think he dropped a d4  
GAMZEE: OnE oF mY mAgIc PlAsTiC mIrAcLe BrOs.  
GAMZEE: ThE oNe ThAt WaS fAyGo CoLoReD.  
KARKAT: YOU DROPPED A CLEAR RED D4 ON THE FLOOR, AND YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT UNDER THE TABLE FOR... HOW LONG, EXACTYLY?  
GAMZEE: i ThInK iT wAs LiKe RiGhT aFtEr I cAmE bAcK wItH mY aCtUaL fAyGo-CoLoReD fAyGo FoR dRiNkInG aNd ShIt.  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOUR CHARACTER DOESN'T EVEN USE A D4 FOR ANYTHING. QUIT FUCKING AROUND SO WE CAN GET BACK TO THE GAME.  
GAMZEE: :O(  
KARKAT: NO, DON'T MAKE THAT FUCKING FACE AT ME. YOU'RE NOT WASTING ANY MORE TIME. GET YOUR ASS BACK INTO YOUR FUCKING CHAIR AND LET'S GET ON WITH THIS SO WE CAN GET IT FUCKING OVER WITH.  
GAMZEE: hOnK :o(  
JOHN: so the party packs up camp in the morning and sets out along the road. after a short while you come to the edge of the forest  
KANAYA: Does The Road Continue Through The Forest Or Will We Have To Travel Through Untamed Wilderness  
JOHN: the road continues but you know from your map that the region the bandits are probably camped is off the main road  
KARKAT: SO, IMPORTANT QUESTION. DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE ANY KIND OF TRACKING ABILITY, OR SHOULD I ADD THAT TO THE GROWING LIST OF REASONS WHY WE FUCKING SUCK?  
DAVE: im going to take a stab in the dark and say kanaya can do it  
KANAYA: What Makes You Say That  
DAVE: theres no way rose left you unprepared i mean come on  
KANAYA: She Did Highly Recommend Putting Skill Points Into The Survival Skill And I Believe That Is Applicable Here  
JOHN: uh. you pretty much have a map that says "bad guys are here" so you dont really need to track them  
DAVE: john shut up you re ruining it  
KARKAT: LOOK, CAN WE JUST GET TO THE CAMP AND SKIP ALL THE BULLSHIT? IS IT REALLY NECESSARY ROLEPLAY TRACKING BANDITS THROUGH A RANDOM FOREST?  
VRISKA: Karkat th8's not how you roleplay! Skipping from f8ght to f8ght without any 8uildup in 8etween t8kes all the fun out of it!  
JOHN: wow vriska i didn't realize you were so into this stuff.  
VRISKA: I think you'll find that when it comes to rolepl8ing g8mes, I'm simply the 8est there is!  
KANAYA: I Am Not Certain How One Can Be Objectively The Best At Something Like That  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT FINE. NO SKIPPING SHIT. HAVE IT YOUR WAY. KANAYA, CAN YOU TRACK THE BANDITS OR NOT?  
JOHN: i told you you dont need to track them  
KANAYA: I Will Roll Survival  
GAMZEE: SiS dOn'T uSe My DiCe YoU'lL mEsS uP tHe MiRaClEs.  
KANAYA: This Is My D20 Yours Was The Rainbow One Over There  
GAMZEE: ShIt SoRrY  
KANAYA: I Rolled A Nineteen Am I Able To Locate The Bandits Tracks  
JOHN: you dont need to... fine, yes, you have the bandits tracks and youre pretty sure you can follow them.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Will Take Point As She Follows The Tracks  
VRISKA: John, how thick is the under8rush in this forest?  
JOHN: right now the tracks are following the road and that's pretty clear. but off the road the forest is fairly dense  
VRISKA: Since I assume we're moving 8t a slower speed to tr8k the 8andits, I'll slip off to the side of the road and follow along in the 8ushes.  
JOHN: okay, you have concealment. the party loses track of the assassin but youre pretty sure shes still following along with you somewhere off to the side of the road  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M EVEN ASKING THIS, BUT ARE YOU PLANNING TO SNEAK ATTACK OUR ENEMIES, OR US?  
VRISKA: ::::)  
KARKAT: YEAH I THOUGHT SO. NOOKSTUFFER WILL TAKE THE REAR TO KEEP AN EYE ON OUR BACKS.  
JOHN: the trees get bigger and closer together as you go and the sky is mostly blocked out by the thick canopy of trees. you hear the sounds of animals and wildlife all around you. eventually you all start to get a definite feeling of being watched.  
VRISKA: Including me?  
JOHN: yeah you too. in fact everyone roll spot for me  
VRISKA: 17  
GAMZEE: 11  
DAVE: 3  
KANAYA: 19  
KARKAT: 22. WHAT ARE WE TRYING TO SPOT EXACTLY?  
JOHN: nookstuffer is the only one that sees a humanoid shape moving up in the tree canopy. its camouflaged and you only saw it move for a split second but you definitely saw it.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. NOOKSTUFFER POINTS IN ITS DIRECTION AND SAYS THAT WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED.  
VRISKA: Karkat you h8ve no su8tlty!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: YEAH THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, MURDERER HIDING IN THE BUSHES, I'LL BE SURE TO BE LESS ALERT TO AN AMBUSH NEXT TIME.  
GAMZEE: cAn I sEe ThE tHiNg ThAt My BrO iS pOiNtInG aT?  
JOHN: you all follow the direction nookstuffer is pointing and no one sees any movement.  
DAVE: i pick up a rock and throw it at the thing  
KARKAT: YOU THROW A FUCKING ROCK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SOME KIND OF SORCERER. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MAGIC?  
DAVE: no i dont have any rock throwing spells karkat whats the point in that  
DAVE: john what do i roll  
JOHN: uh... make a ranged attack i guess.  
KANAYA: That Is Your D20 Roll Plus Your Base Attack Bonus Plus Your Dexterity Modifier  
DAVE: yeah none of those are big numbers here  
GAMZEE: dOnT wOrRy, AlL yOu HaVe To Do Is BeLiEvE iN tHe MaGiCaL dIcE aNd ThEy'Ll Do ThE wOrK fOr YoU wItH tHeIr RoLlInG aNd ShIt  
DAVE: yeah i got 7  
JOHN: the rock flies through the tree canopy without anything happening.  
VRISKA: L8me. ::::\  
KANAYA: Acrimony Suspects It Was A False Alarm On Nookstuffers Part And Continues Tracking  
KARKAT: NO, HANG ON A MINUTE YOU MORONS, DON'T ALL GO WANDERING OFF JUST YET. I KNOW I SAW SOMEONE AND CLEARLY THEY'RE TRYING TO HIDE FROM US, AND HEY, THAT TENDS TO SUGGEST SOME FUCKING HOSTILITY. SO HOW ABOUT WE NOT TURN OUR BACKS ON THE UNKNOWN PERSON OR PERSONS THAT MIGHT TRY TO KILL US IF WE GIVE THEM THE CHANCE?  
DAVE: karkat dont be paranoid what could possibly go wrong  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU I AM NOT BEING PARANOID I'M BEING PRAGMATIC.  
GAMZEE: YoU mEaN lIkE a RaInBoW?  
KARKAT: THAT'S PRISMATIC YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT WORD?  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER YELLS IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF THE TREES AND DEMANDS THE PERSON SHOW THEMSELF IN THE NAME OF PELOR, GOD OF GIANT BALLS OF BURNING HYDROGEN WHICH ARE SOMEHOW CONSIDERED A GOOD OMEN IN THIS WORLD.  
DAVE: thats a mouthful to yell at a random stranger  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL HONESTLY I THINK I'M FUCKING USED TO IT AT THIS POINT.  
JOHN: your yell echoes through the forest and theres a moment of silence as all the wildlife goes quiet for a second in response to the sudden loud noise. then all of a sudden you hear the sound of something jumping down from the treetops and landing in the road ahead of you  
GAMZEE: iT mOtHeRfUcKiNg WoRkEd!  
KANAYA: Acrimony Draws And Raises Her Axe In A Defensive Posture  
DAVE: brofist is ready to cast flare  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT SPELL DID A WHOLE FUCKING LOT AGAINST THE LAST ENEMY. WHY NOT TRY IT AGAIN?  
JOHN: the person is wearing a cloak made of leaves and brush and looks like they'd be almost invisible if they were in the tree tops. he is an elf armed with a bow which is not drawn. he is crouching in a defensive posture but does not appear to be hostile.  
VRISKA: I sneak closer. ::::)  
KARKAT: OH FUCK, SHE'S GOING TO KILL HIM OR MAKE HIM ATTACK, I'M NOT SURE WHICH IS WORSE.  
JOHN: roll move silently vriska  
VRISKA: I got... 23.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Asks Who Goes There  
JOHN: who here speaks elven?  
VRISKA: N8turally I do.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Speaks Elven As Well  
DAVE: gamzee your character sheet says you speak drudic how the fuck do you speak druidic  
GAMZEE: I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW mAn, ItS jUsT wHaT tHe PaPeRs Be TeLlInG mE i ShOuLd Be AbLe To SpEaK.  
KANAYA: I Was Under The Impression That Only Druids Could Speak Druidic  
JOHN: yeah thats not important right now. so only the drow and the barbarian understand the elf. he says he is a protector of these woods, and he asks if you are friend or foe  
DAVE: obviously were foes i mean look at us  
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T ANSWER THE ELF IF YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HIS QUESTION YOU ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: im not answering the question im just stating a general fact  
KANAYA: Acrimony Responds In Elven That We Are Traveling Through His Territory In Search Of A Group Of Brigands Who We Have Been Hired To Deal With  
VRISKA: John, am I in sneak att8ck r8nge of the r8nger?  
JOHN: not quite.  
VRISKA: I move a 8it closer.  
JOHN: roll it move silently again  
VRISKA: 25!  
JOHN: the ranger says he knows of the bandits, and that they've been abusing his forest for a while. he'd like to get rid of him but he can't do it on his own. he then stops and says that your fifth member hiding in the brush may as well come out.  
VRISKA: W8it, did he see me? Fucking 8ullshit!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: he rolled pretty good.  
VRISKA: F8cking f8gures. Ev8ry time I tr8 to do someth8ng cool the lousy d8ce 8etr8y me.  
KARKAT: AS A DEVOUT FOLLOWER OF THE THING THAT BLINDS YOU IF YOU LOOK AT IT FOR TOO LONG, NOOKSTUFFER IS A STRONG BELIEVER IN KARMA.  
VRISKA: I am n8t h8re to 8ndulge your r8ligious f8nt8sies!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: so i assume the assassin stops trying to sneak and comes out of the underbrush?  
VRISKA: Y8h s8re wh8ever.  
JOHN: the elf eyes the drow with some suspicion, then continues. he says he can lead you directly to the bandit camp and that he knows a path you can approach from that will keep you hidden from their sentries.  
KANAYA: What Else Can He Tell Us About The Bandits And Their Camp  
JOHN: he says there looks to be about fifteen of them and they dont seem to be very well disciplined or well trained. he thinks a group your size could probably take them out, with a little luck. but hes pretty sure that the bandits leader is a little more badass than the others, and probably has some magical powers.  
KARKAT: DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? EVERYONE IN THIS SETTING CAN DO MAGIC. THE LEADER OF THE RANDOM ASSHOLES CAMPED OUT IN THE WOODS CAN DO MAGIC. HOW DO WE KNOW HIS GOONS CAN'T DO MAGIC? FOR THAT MATTER, HOW DO WE KNOW THIS GUY CAN'T DO MAGIC?  
KANAYA: Actually Assuming He Is A Ranger He Should Have Some Spellcasting Ability  
KARKAT: GREAT. WHY DOES HE NEED OUR HELP EXACTLY?  
DAVE: dude theres fifteen of them  
GAMZEE: yEaH bRo I mIgHt HaVe To DoUbLe ChEcK tHe MaTh BuT iM pReTtY sUrE tHaT mEaNs ThEyLl Be HaViN uS aLl OuTnUmBeReD aNd ShIt  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT'S GREAT. WE HAD THAT HYDRA OUTNUMBERED BY A WIDER MARGIN, AND GUESS WHAT NEARLY KILLED ALL OF US?  
KANAYA: Acrimony Asks The Ranger His Name  
JOHN: hang on i had it written down...  
DAVE: shit i think i got some of your notes mixed in with mine  
DAVE: whos baroness von doom  
JOHN: fuck! dave give me that page back, you're not supposed to see that!  
DAVE: uh oh spoiler alert i just got the whole campaign ruined for me  
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha John that n8me is soooooooo l8me!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: shut up! pretend that never happened  
JOHN: okay uh... the elf's name is elanis.  
DAVE: that canadian alterative rock chick?  
JOHN: huh?  
DAVE: she did that one song  
DAVE: fuck what was it called hang on  
JOHN: you mean alanis morissette?  
DAVE: yeah her  
JOHN: no dave, the elf isn't alanis morissette.  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS ALAIS MORISSETTE?  
KANAYA: What Is A Canadian  
DAVE: canadians are basically like americans except nicer and basically pushovers  
KANAYA: What Is An American  
DAVE: basically let me put it like this  
DAVE: americans are fucking awesome thats all you need to know  
KANAYA: That Does Not Explain Very Much At All  
JOHN: we're moving on.  
VRISKA: Th8k you.  
JOHN: elanis draws a rough map in the dirt, outlining a path that takes you off the main road, around the bandit camp, and along a dried up river bed that approaches the camp from the rear.  
VRISKA: Since the elf is clearly adept at stealth, I propose he and I circle around the camp from opposite directions while the main party attacks as a group and acts as 8ait.  
KARKAT: NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE BAIT FOR MISS SNEAKS-A-LOT.  
VRISKA: May8e not 8ait. More like a distraction! 8esides, the four of you will 8e together, me and Elanis will 8e the ones taking a risk 8y 8eing alone in a fight.  
KARKAT: YEAH AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DON'T TRUST ABOUT YOUR PLAN. YOU PUTTING YOUR TEAMMATES TOGETHER WHILE YOU GO OUT AND RISK YOUR NECK? NOT IN THIS FUCKING MULTIVERSE.  
VRISKA: No risk, no rew8rd, Karkat!  
KANAYA: The Basic Gist Of Vriskas Plan Does Seem Tactically Sound  
KANAYA: The Bulk Of The Party Wont Be Split Up Enough To Be At Significant Risk And The Two Stealth Combatants Will Be Able To Do Large Amounts Of Damage To Enemies At Their Own Discretion  
DAVE: yeah what she said  
KARKAT: UGH. FINE. LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I AM AGREEING TO THIS PLAN IN PROTEST.  
GAMZEE: JuSt HaVe FaItH mAn ItS aLl GoNnA mOtHeRfUcKiNg WoRk OuT fInE.  
KARKAT: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
JOHN: the party follows elanis off the main road and into the forest. you have to make a wide circle around the area surrounding the bandit camp in order to approach them from behind. you eventually come to a dry riverbed. elanis suggests that if you have any last minute preparations you should make them before approaching the camp  
KARKAT: OKAY, TIME FOR PLAN KEEP-US-ALL-FROM-DYING-HORRIBLY PART TWO. I CAST SHIELD OF FAITH ON KANAYA AND MAGIC VESTMENT ON MYSELF.  
DAVE: did you just make your clothes magical  
KARKAT: LOOK, IT'S FOR A PERFECTLY VALID TACTICAL REASON, NOT THAT YOU'D FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT. SINCE KANAYA AND I ARE GOING TO BE GETTING THE ATTENTION OF ALL THE ENEMIES, IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA FOR THE TWO OF US TO AVOID DYING.  
VRISKA: Any 8uffs for the rest of us, Karkat?  
KARKAT: WELL LET'S SEE. GAMZEE'S USELESS. DAVE'S INTENTIONALLY USELESS. YOU'RE A BITCH. SO NO I THINK I'M GOOD.  
VRISKA: I sneak off towards the camp then.  
KARKAT: YOUR CUE TO BEGIN THE ATTACK WILL BE US CHARGING INTO THE CAMP SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.  
VRISKA: I look forward to it!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: DAVE, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL TO CONTRIBUTE OR SHOULD I JUST ASSUME YOU'RE GOING TO LEAD WITH FLARE AND FOLLOW IT UP WITH BEING A USELESS ASSHOLE?  
DAVE: you should always assume that  
KARKAT: OH TRUST ME, I DO.  
KANAYA: We Should Move Out Before Our Buffs Wear Off  
GAMZEE: tImE iS oF tHe MoThErFuCkInG eSsEnCe.  
JOHN: so i'm going to go ahead and draw the map of the bandit camp since you guys are going to be able to see it in a minute. you guys are approaching from the east. vriska is coming from the north and elanis will be coming from the south. for the record the main road was way off to the west  
KARKAT: THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF BUILDINGS. HOW MANY FUCKING BANDITS ARE THERE ANYWAY?  
JOHN: these are all tents. this is a camp fire.  
DAVE: thats a camp fire that looks like someones dumb anime hair  
KANAYA: It Looks Like My Sign Except It Is Drawn In Red  
VRISKA: Ditto.  
JOHN: shut up! i don't draw so good, thats daves job.  
DAVE: ha ha no it really isnt but okay  
JOHN: anyway as long as you can sort of tell what everything is supposed to be its close enough.  
GAMZEE: ThAtS wHeRe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs CoMe In.  
JOHN: so the bandits camp is in a natural clearing in the forest and it looks like they cleared out some of the surrounding brush and trees as well. you see two men sitting by the camp fire cooking meat and a few more milling around. you suspect about half the bandits are in their tents. you also see that one tent is noticeably bigger than the others and has a guard standing outside. all the bandits you see have leather armor or chain mail and either longswords or battle axes. none of it looks to be particularly high quality and nothing is obviously magical.  
KARKAT: SO ARE OUR STEALTH FIGHTERS IN POSITION YET?  
JOHN: yeah i almost forgot. vriska roll hide and move silently.  
VRISKA: hide is... 28. move silently is 32.  
JOHN: and i'll roll for elanis... okay. the stealth guys dont seem like they've been noticed.  
KARKAT: OKAY HERE'S OUR FORMATION. ME AND KANAYA STAND FIVE FEET APART SO NOTHING CAN GET PAST OUR FRONT LINE WITHOUT PROVOKING AN OPPORTUNITY ATTACK. GAMZEE STAY BEHIND KANAYA AND BE READY ON BACKUP HEALING DUTY. DAVE, JUST... STAY IN THE BACK AND TRY TO BE USEFUL SOMEHOW.  
DAVE: nah i walk into the camp  
KANAYA: What  
KARKAT: HOLD ON. STOP. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?  
DAVE: nope too late to stop me look i just moved my mini  
GAMZEE: uHh BrO?  
DAVE: if the bandits havent noticed me yet i get their attention by yelling  
JOHN: no they definitely noticed you. you see... four bandits run towards you with weapons drawn and move to surround you  
DAVE: cool  
KARKAT: WHAT. THE FUCK. ARE YOU DOING.  
DAVE: just trust me. do the bandits see the rest of the party  
JOHN: uh... not yet  
DAVE: as they surround me i introduce myself   
DAVE: i am brofist the sorcerer!  
JOHN: one of the bandits points a sword at your neck and demands to know what youre doing there  
DAVE: i am here to challenge your leader to unarmed combat  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS.  
DAVE: dude dont you know anything  
KARKAT: I ROUTINELY CONSIDER ASKING YOU THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION. I USUALLY DECIDE THAT IT WOULD BE MORE WORTHWILE TO BLOW MY THINKPAN OUT.  
DAVE: if you defeat a bandit king in unarmed combat you get to become the new bandit king  
JOHN: the bandit pointing his sword at you laughs. he says do you really think you a little weakling like you can defeat the boss?  
DAVE: i got magic on my side i can defeat anything  
JOHN: two of the bandits grab you by the shoulders and lead you towards the bigger tent. the one who had been pointing his sword goes inside the tent and you hear a faint conversation from inside  
VRISKA: Is it safe to assume everyone is distraaaaaaaacted 8y the sorcerer waltzing into the camp?  
JOHN: oh yeah.  
VRISKA: Then the plan is still in effect!  
KARKAT: NO IT ISN'T. ME KANAYA AND GAMZEE ARE OVER HERE HIDING IN THE BUSHES, WAITING TO SERVE AS A DISTRACTION THAT WE DON'T EVEN NEED ANYMORE.  
VRISKA: So we have a distraction already. Th8t just means you three get to 8e the am8ushers now!  
KARKAT: I'M A FUCKING MEDIC. I DON'T DO AMBUSHES.  
KANAYA: Gamzee Is Not Exactly Specialized For Charging Headlong Into Combat Either  
JOHN: not to interrupt but you guys aren't anywhere near each other. in fact you three arent even sure where vriska is at the moment  
KARKAT: THAT'S A SITUATION THAT'S NEVER NOT DANGEROUS.  
VRISKA: John, from my position can I sneak into an occupied tent without 8eing detected?  
JOHN: yeah you could easily get to one of the tents at the edge of the clearing. you wont know if its occupied until you get closer though.  
VRISKA: Th8t's fine. I sneak towards the one in the northwest corner of the camp.  
JOHN: roll move silently.  
VRISKA: 23. Not a gr8 roll. ::::\  
JOHN: yeah but all the bandits are either distracted or asleep so youre probably okay  
VRISKA: Yes!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: anyway about a minute passes as dave is waiting outside the tent. finally the big bandit with the sword comes out followed by a teenage girl who seems oddly out of place  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
JOHN: she looks brofist up and down with an expression of distaste.  
DAVE: is she hot  
JOHN: uh... she has a high charisma, so, i guess so?  
DAVE: i give her a lil eyebrow action like hey babe you want some of this  
JOHN: roll... uh... i guess diplomacy?  
DAVE: wait i think i actually have that skill  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.  
DAVE: so that was a 19 on the die so... 27 total  
JOHN: she seems, uh... interested. in your advances.  
KARKAT: NO, STOP IT, WE ARE NOT FUCKING DOING THIS.  
DAVE: i wink at the babe  
KARKAT: STRIDER I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN MYSELF IF I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH YOU AND EGBERT HITTING ON EACH OTHER IN GAME. IT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING I CAN ALLOW TO HAPPEN. I FORBID IT WITH ALL THE AUTHORITY GRANTED TO MY BY VIRTUE OF HAVING AT LEAST SOME MINISCULE IOTA IS FUCKING DECENCY AND SANITY.  
DAVE: shh just let it happen  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
GAMZEE: hAnG oN i JuSt ReAlIzEd SoMeT tHiNg.  
KARKAT: OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, DO SHARE WITH THE REST OF US.  
GAMZEE: ThAt OlD mOtHeRfUcKiNg WoMaN bAcK iN tOwN sAiD hEr DaUgHtEr WaS bEiN aLl Up AnD kIdNaPpEd By ThE bAnDiTs AnD sHiT. aNd NoW tHiS cHiCk In ThE bIg BaD lEaDeR tEnT iS sOmE tEeNaGe GiRl WhO dOeSnT fIt In. WhAt If ShEs BeEn ThE dAuGhTeR wEvE bEeN lOoKiNg FoR aLl AlOnG?  
KANAYA: John I Forgot To Ask If The Girl Is Wearing Armor Or Armed With Weapons  
JOHN: neither.  
KANAYA: The Girl Is Dressed Like A Spellcaster Has A High Charisma And Seems To Be In Some Position Of Authority Over The Bandits  
KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU SAYING THE OLD WOMAN'S DAUGHTER IS THE MAGIC-USING LEADER OF THE BANDITS?  
VRISKA: Looks th8t way.  
DAVE: so on a scale of 1 to 10 how interested is she  
JOHN: uh. roll sense motive.  
DAVE: thats... 17  
JOHN: youd say like... a 6. maybe 7.  
DAVE: i can work with that  
DAVE: so i say hey babe wanna go back to your tent and learn another kind of magic  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU USE FOR A FUCKING PICKUP LINE, YOU INSUFFERABLE DOUCHEBAG?  
DAVE: you got something better  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING?  
DAVE: it sounds like youre not even mad anymore now youre just trying to be my wing man or something  
VRISKA: John, while this conversation is happening, am I a8le to determine if the tent is occupied?  
JOHN: yeah theres a bandit inside asleep  
VRISKA: I slip inside. Do I have time to study the target for three rounds? ::::)  
JOHN: sure.  
VRISKA: D8th att8ck!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: hes asleep so hes helpless. and he rolled... 12 on his fortitude save.  
VRISKA: F8iled! The 8andit dies!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT DID SHE JUST DO?  
KANAYA: Assassins Have The Ability To Study An Enemy For Three Consecutive Rounds And Then Make A Sneak Attack That Has A Chance To Cause Instant Death  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK CAN'T ANYBODY ELSE DO THAT?  
VRISKA: Next I c8st invisi8ility then sneak out the 8ack of the tent.  
JOHN: okay. what are nookstuffer, acrimony, and eldon doing?  
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING ANYMORE. I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE FIGHTING THE BANDITS, NOT TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR LEADER. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  
KANAYA: I Believe It Is Called Role Playing  
KARKAT: I DON'T NEED YOU TO POINT OUT THE FUCKING OBVIOUS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT.  
DAVE: so am i getting laid or what  
JOHN: gross dave, and hang on. as you and the sorceress are making kissey faces at each other, the big bandit with the sword loudly clears his throat and she seems to snap out of it. she then shouts an order for the rest of the camp to search the area in case there are more intruders nearby.  
DAVE: she snapped out of it  
JOHN: yeah  
DAVE: fuck that noise i cast charm person  
VRISKA: N8ce!  
JOHN: dave whats the save DC  
DAVE: hang on uh... 14  
JOHN: she rolled a 27.  
DAVE: shit  
VRISKA: I t8ke 8ack wh8t I said.  
KANAYA: That Is A Very High Number  
KARKAT: SO HANG ON. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?  
VRISKA: He tried to mind control the sorceress and she 8eat his save DC pr8ty 8adly.  
GAMZEE: i DoNt ThInK sHeLl LiKe ThAt VeRy MuCh.  
KARKAT: GEE, YOU THINK?  
JOHN: dave does a 14 or a 17 hit your touch ac?  
DAVE: yeah both hit  
JOHN: in response to your attempt to charm her she casts scorching ray, and both rays hit. you take 27 fire damage.  
DAVE: okay ow  
JOHN: at this point everyone roll initiative.  
VRISKA: 23.  
KARKAT: 9  
DAVE: 12  
KANAYA: 18  
GAMZEE: 5  
KARKAT: YOU'RE ROLLING YOUR D12 AGAIN, SHIT HEAD.  
GAMZEE: i Be HaViN mY mEtHoDs BrO i DoNt TeLl YoU wHaT pLaStIcS tO bE rOlLiN.  
JOHN: vriska goes first  
VRISKA: I sneak over to the next nearest tent. Is there a 8andit inside????????  
JOHN: yeah you can hear him moving around grabbing his gear and stuff.  
VRISKA: I w8 for him to step outside so I can 8acksta8 him.  
JOHN: you do know that attacking ends your invisibility right?  
VRISKA: It's p8rt of my plan. ::::)  
JOHN: if you say so. kanaya?  
KANAYA: Acrimony Charges Into The Camp In Brofists Direction  
KARKAT: WAIT, HANG ON, YOU AND NOOKSTUFFER ARE SUPPOSED TO FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLAN?  
KANAYA: The Plan Was To Defend The Spell Casters And That Is What I Plan To Do  
JOHN: okay with your fast movement you can make it to... here. that puts you twenty feet behind dave. you cant attack anyone this turn because no one is close enough but if youre trying to get the bad guys attention itll definitely work  
KANAYA: That Will Work  
JOHN: okay next... dave.  
DAVE: can i run  
JOHN: you still have two guards flanking you so its probably not a good idea, but you could if you wanted to.  
DAVE: yeah i think im outie move my mini towards kanaya  
JOHN: okay first bandit rolls 19 on his attack of opportunity.  
DAVE: yeah that hits  
JOHN: 8 damage. and the second bandit rolled 21, for another 7 damage.  
DAVE: guys im dying here  
KARKAT: WHAT, ALREADY?  
DAVE: well not yet but im pretty fucked up  
KARKAT: WELL I WONDER WHOSE FUCKING FAULT THAT WAS. YOU WALKED INTO A BANDIT CAMP, HIT ON THEIR LEADER, TRIED TO MINDRAPE HER, AND THEN GOT SHOT WITH FIRE. ITS A MIRACLE SHE DIDNT TRY TO MINDRAPE YOU BACK.  
JOHN: yeah about that  
DAVE: oh fuck  
JOHN: its the sorceress turn. dave roll a will save  
DAVE: fuck i dont wanna  
VRISKA: She cant 8e th8 powerful. Just don't roll 8ad on the die.  
DAVE: yeah thats easy for you to say. okay here we go  
GAMZEE: wOaH sHiT bRo!  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT YOU NOT ROLL IT OFF THE FUCKING TABLE YOU ASSHOLE?  
DAVE: someone find it  
DAVE: whatever it is on the floor thats my roll  
KANAYA: John It Is Under Your Chair  
JOHN: where? oh there. hmm.  
DAVE: whatd i roll  
JOHN: well the die is a 2.  
DAVE: can i get a do over  
JOHN: so she cast suggestion on you. she tells you to attack and kill the barbarian.  
KANAYA: That Doesnt Sound Good  
DAVE: yeah dont worry im sure youll kill me before i kill you  
Kanaya: I Dont Like Either Of Those Outcomes  
JOHN: its karkats turn  
KARKAT: GREAT. SO WE HAVE OUR MAGIC GUY UNDER MIND CONTROL, OUR BARBARIAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAMP ABOUT TO BE ATTACKED BY MAGIC, OUR THIEF INVISIBLE AND HIDING OUTSIDE A TENT TO MURDER SOME GUY, AND THE TWO HEALERS OFF TO THE SIDE ON OUR OWN WITH NOTHING TO DO.  
DAVE: yeah that about sums it up  
KARKAT: I GUESS I WALK OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE CAMP SO NOT EVERYTHING GOES AFTER KANAYA AT ONCE? I CANT EVEN GET TO WHERE SHE IS TO SUPPORT HER BECAUSE SHES FASTER THAN ME.  
KANAYA: I Am Glad That You Gave Me Those Healing Spells Earlier  
JOHN: gamzees turn  
GAMZEE: SoMeOnE eXpLaIn To Me HoW tHiS iNsPiRe CoUrAgE sHiT wOrKs.  
JOHN: basically you play a magic song that gives all your allies +2 to attacks and damage, and +2 to saving throws against fear and charms  
DAVE: would that help me  
JOHN: no you already failed your save.  
DAVE: fuck  
GAMZEE: iS +2 a GoOd AmOuNt?  
KANAYA: It Is Not Bad  
GAMZEE: I bReAk OuT mY lUtE aNd StArT iNsPiRiNg ThE mOtHeR fUcK oUt Of ThIs MoThErFuCkInG cOuRaGe.  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT GAMZEE IS BEING USEFUL. I THINK I'M HAVING SOME KIND OF FUCKING STROKE.  
JOHN: bad guys turn. first of all the guy vriska was waiting for steps out of his tent.  
VRISKA: Sneak 8tack!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: you get +2 from the song and +2 for being invisible  
VRISKA: 25!  
JOHN: you hit.  
VRISKA: 32 dam8ge!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: holy shit. yeah you kill him in one hit. your invisibility is also dispelled.  
VRISKA: Do I h8ve time to duck 8ehind the tent for cover?  
JOHN: on your turn you will. there are a total of 13 enemies left not counting the sorceress. theres the one originally standing guard at her tent, the big guy with the sword plus the two guys who were holding dave, all of which are over here near dave and kanaya. two more are by the camp fire over to the side. two more are over at the west edge of the camp and another 5 are just coming out of their tents.  
KANAYA: I Suspect I Can Handle Four Or Five Of These Enemies Without Too Much Of A Problem However All Thirteen May Prove Problematic Especially If I Have Two Sorcerers Attacking Me As Well  
KARKAT: JUST FOUCS ON KILLING THEM AND I'LL KEEP YOU ALIVE. SOMEHOW.  
GAMZEE: I bElIeVe In YoU bRo. :O)  
KARKAT: YEAH I'M SURE ONCE THIS BATTLE IS OVER, THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT ON MY MIND WILL BE, "BOY, WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT WITHOUT GAMZEE'S SUPPORT. WHAT A FUCKING MIRACLE WE HAD HIM WITH US."  
JOHN: so the two guys who were holding dave move up to flank kanaya and attack. one rolled 16 and the other got 21.  
KANAYA: Neither Of Those Are A Successful Hit  
JOHN: the the big guy with the sword steps up and rolls 26.  
KANAYA: That Is A Hit  
JOHN: 12 damage.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Is Not Scared  
JOHN: then two of the guys from the tents charge karkat  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
JOHN: one gets 17 and the other gets 14  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU EGBERT, BOTH ATTACKS MISS ME.  
JOHN: ha ha. and then all the other enemies move in closer but no one else is in attack range yet.  
KARKAT: I'M OVERJOYED. CAN YOU TELL?  
VRISKA: My turn now r8?  
JOHN: yeah  
VRISKA: Ok8 so 8ll of the 8ad guys h8ve left their tents now?  
JOHN: yep  
VRISKA: And no8ody has noticed me yet?  
JOHN: doesnt look like it  
VRISKA: Wh8 a8out 8rofist?  
JOHN: what about him?  
VRISKA: H8s he noticed me yet? He never saw my initial position so he has no idea where I'd 8e attacking from.  
JOHN: huh good point. dave roll spot please.  
DAVE: yeah thatll go well... 8  
JOHN: he has no idea where you are.  
VRISKA: Alr8ght. As a drow I can c8st Darkness once per day, which is centered on an o8ject touched. So I c8st darkness on a copper piece, then throw it at 8rofist's feet!  
DAVE: ha ha that is awesome  
VRISKA: Then I sneak towards that part of the 8attle. ::::)  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SURE IF I SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS. WHAT EXACTLY DOES DARKNESS DO, ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS?  
JOHN: basically it makes a cloud of shadow in a 20 foot radius. no one can see each other and if they try to attack someone they have a 20% chance to just miss no matter what they rolled. plus dave and the enemy sorceress cant really cast spells on kanaya if they cant see where she is.  
KARKAT: THAT... IS A SURPRISING LEVEL OF TEAMWORK AND STRATEGY OUT OF YOU, VRISKA.  
VRISKA: I told you I'm the 8est! The 8est!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: kanayas up next  
KANAYA: I Am Standing In The Area Of Effect For The Darkness Spell Correct  
JOHN: yeah youre pretty much in the middle of it  
KANAYA: Acrimony Will Attempt To Attack The Enemy Who Missed Her Earlier. I Rolled A 24  
JOHN: you hit. and... you don't miss due to the darkness. roll damage.  
KANAYA: I Rolled The Highest Possible Number On The Die For A Total Of Twenty Two Damage  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULD BACK UP AND GET OUT OF THE FUCKING DARKNESS?  
KANAYA: Acrimony Has Three Enemies Adjacent To Her If Acrimony Retreats She Will Provoke Three Attacks Of Opportunity  
KARKAT: OKAY THATS A FAIR POINT BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS ONE WILL ACTUALLY HIT YOU?  
KANAYA: They Are Fairly Low However If I Do Not Move I Can Continue Attacking. I Rolled A 21 To Hit The Same Enemy As Before  
JOHN: you hit again  
KANAYA: 15 Damage To The Bandit  
JOHN: hes dead. 12 bandits left.  
DAVE: my turn now right  
JOHN: yeah. you cant see anymore and you were ordered to attack and kill the barbarian.  
DAVE: yeah its basically my dream situation come true believe me. can i do anything about the darkness  
JOHN: roll your knowledge arcana skill  
DAVE: wow a natural 20 im glad i got that while mind controlled  
KANAYA: Dave I Do Not Want To Disappoint You But There Are No Critical Successes On Skill Rolls And Your Modifier For That Skill Is Going To Be In The Negatives Because Of Your Characters Low Intelligence  
DAVE: yeah i know  
JOHN: well brofist knows that a darkness spell can be dispelled by any higher-level light spell  
DAVE: can i cast flare  
JOHN: you can cast it but it wont do anything  
DAVE: i do that then  
KARKAT: SO IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS, DAVE HAS CAST FLARE AND ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING WITH IT. I AM BESIDE MYSELF WITH DISBELIEF.  
JOHN: so its now the sorceress' turn. she moves over to the side in order to get out of the darkness and away from kanaya. then she casts suggestion on karkat. roll a will save.  
KARKAT: OH GOOD, I WAS WORRIED WE'D ONLY HAVE ONE PERSON UNDER MIND CONTROL AT A TIME. MY DAY ISN'T COMPLETE UNTIL I'VE BEEN MINDRAPED AT LEAST ONE TIME. I ROLLED A 20.  
JOHN: you made the save. you are not mind controlled.  
KARKAT: MY ELATION KNOWS NO BOUNDS. IS IT MY TURN YET?  
JOHN: yeah  
KARKAT: OKAY SO NOOKSTUFFER HAS A LIGHT SPELL THAT CAN PROBABLY DISPELL THE DARKNESS. DO WE WANT TO DISPELL THE DARKNESS? KANAYA SEEMS TO BE OKAY AT THE MOMENT.  
VRISKA: Keep the d8rkness. I h8ve a plan. ::::)  
KARKAT: THAT FILLS ME WITH CONFIDENCE. IS THERE SOMETHING NOOKSTUFFER CAN DO TO SNAP BROFIST OUT OF IT?  
JOHN: you could kill the sorcererss i guess  
KARKAT: YOU GUESS. YEAH LET'S TRY THAT THEN. SHE'S ONLY AN EVIL MAGIC USING PSYCHOPATH WHO CAN APPARENTLY MINDRAPE AT WILL. I CAST SEARING LIGHT AT HER.  
JOHN: that spell uses a ranged touch attack. go ahead and roll it  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A RANGED TOUCH ATTACK? NEVERMIND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. WHO COMES UP WITH THE TERMS IN THIS GAMES? ITS LIKE EVERYTHING HAS TO BE THIS COMPLICATED TECHNICAL JARGON OF AT LEAST THREE WORDS.  
VRISKA: Just r8ll it!  
KARKAT: 20. WHAT DO I ADD TO THAT?  
JOHN: wait you rolled a critical?  
KARKAT: YES, I ALSO OCCASIONALLY ROLL HIGH NUMBERS. IT'S NOT AN ABILITY RESERVED FOR THE BRAIN DEAD PARTY MEMBERS. WHAT DO I ADD TO IT.  
JOHN: it doesnt matter in this case. roll damage.  
KARKAT: OKAY WHAT DOES 1D8 PER TWO CASTER LEVELS MEAN?  
JOHN: you roll 4d8 damage. and then you double the total because you got a critical hit.  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT. OKAY, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING NEGATIVE I SAID ABOUT THE SUN GOD. THIS LIGHT MAGIC IS PRETTY FUCKING POTENT. MY TOTAL IS... 26. SO THAT'S 52 DAMAGE TO THE MAGIC BITCH.  
DAVE: ha ha the look on egberts face is priceless  
JOHN: he just killed her in one hit!  
DAVE: and i snap out of it right  
JOHN: yeah youre not mind controlled anymore.  
DAVE: sweet  
KANAYA: Well Done Karkat  
KARKAT: LET'S NOT CELEBRATE TOO SOON. WE STILL HAVE TWELVE ASSHOLES IN THE CAMP WHO'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE PRETTY FUCKING PISSED THAT WE KILLED THEIR LEADER.  
JOHN: yeah and its their turn now.  
KARKAT: GREAT.  
JOHN: so the two bandits who were near the camp fire charge at karkat. one of them rolled 25 and the other got 23.  
KARKAT: BOTH HIT.  
JOHN: 13 damage total. and then three guys from the other side charge at you and flank you.  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT DO EXACTLY?  
JOHN: it gives them +2 to hit. they got 21, 26, and 20.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, EGBERT. ALL THREE OF THOSE HIT ME.  
JOHN: 22 damage.  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  
JOHN: the other two bandits run over to the darkness but stop at the edge not sure what to do.  
VRISKA: Do they see me?  
JOHN: no youre on the other side of the darkness so its blocking their line of sight.  
VRISKA: Excell8nt!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: the big guy with the sword swings at kanaya and rolls 17. the other guy got 19.  
KANAYA: Neither Of Those Will Hit Acrimony  
JOHN: and lastly the guy who had been guarding the boss tent steps backwards out of the darkness looking to see where the sorceress went.  
KANAYA: It Appears That Two Of The Remaining Bandits Have Not Gone This Turn  
JOHN: yeah these two are looking back and forth between the cloud of darkness and the surrounded cleric. theyre not sure who to fight and no one is giving them orders.  
GAMZEE: wHeN dO i GeT tO gO bRo?  
JOHN: its your turn now actually.  
KARKAT: I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE WORDS ARE ABOUT TO COME OUT OF MY MOUTH. I MEAN LITERALLY, I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE FEVER DREAM. BUT GAMZEE, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP NOOKSTUFFER?  
GAMZEE: WeLl I gOt ThE mUsIc In Me BrO iSnT tHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg EnOuGh?  
KARKAT: NO YOU ASSHOLE. YOU'RE GIVING US A BONUS TO ATTACKS AND DAMAGE. THAT DOESN'T HELP ME WHEN I'M HALF DEAD AND FUCKING SURROUNDED BY BANDITS.  
GAMZEE: LeT mE cHeCk OuT aLl My InStRuCtIoN pApErS aNd SeE iF tHeY gOt AnY sWeEt AsS sOlUtIoNs FoR mE hErE.  
KARKAT: OH GOD I GOT GAMZEE DOING RESEARCH. WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT. WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.  
GAMZEE: cAn I tHrOw My MoThErFuCkInG aXe At SoMeBoDy?  
KANAYA: Gamzee That Is Not A Tactic That Is Likely To Succeed  
JOHN: you... technically can. it would be an improvised thrown weapon with 10 foot range incriment. youre 20 feet from karkat so you get -2 for throwing that far. you also get -4 to the attack roll because it's improvised and another -2 because its inappropriately sized for being a thrown weapon.  
GAMZEE: ThAt SoUnDs To Me LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg ChAlLeNgE.  
DAVE: oh man its the rainbow d20 again  
GAMZEE: wAtCh ThE mIrAcLeS mOtHeRfUcKeRs. DoNt BlInK oR yOuLl MiSs It.  
KARKAT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW THE DIE. JUST ROLL IT ON THE TABLE.  
GAMZEE: MoThEr FuCk!  
VRISKA: Wh8t'd he roll?  
DAVE: he got six  
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! OUT OF MORBID CURIOSITY WHATS THE TOTAL THERE?  
KANAYA: His Bonus To The Attack Was Five Before All Of The Penalties So His Total Is Three  
JOHN: and he had to stop the music to throw the axe. dont worry though his song lasts for a few rounds after he stops playing.  
KARKAT: SPECTACULAR.  
GAMZEE: BeTtEr LuCk NeXt TiMe BrO. :o)  
KARKAT: I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.  
JOHN: so were back at the top with vriska.  
VRISKA: I move around the 8ack of the 8andits standing at the edge of the darkness. H8ve they seen me?  
JOHN: nope  
VRISKA: Sneak 8ttack!!!!!!!! I assume 29 hits?  
JOHN: yep  
VRISKA: 33 damage!  
JOHN: hes dead. the other one obviously noticed you now though.  
VRISKA: I can t8ke him!  
JOHN: kanayas turn  
KANAYA: I Know That Acrimony Cannot See Him Because Of The Darkness But Is She Aware That Nookstuffer Is Injured  
JOHN: yeah i imagine you heard him get hit a bunch  
KANAYA: I Will Retreat From The Darkness And Move Towards The Cleric  
JOHN: both guys try to hit you as you back away. one rolled 22 and the other misses because of the darkness  
KANAYA: 22 Does Not Hit Please Move My Miniature To Be Adjacent To Karkats  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU MOVING IN TO BE FLANKED?  
KANAYA: I Am Going To Try To Heal You With The Spells You Gave Me Earlier  
JOHN: kanaya youre adjacent to four enemies. if you cast a spell like that youll provoke an attack of opportunity from all four of them  
KANAYA: It Is A Risky Maneuver But They Are Not Likely To Kill Acrimony And As Long As The Main Healer Is Free To Act On His Turn Acrimony Should Be Okay  
JOHN: okay lets go clockwise... this guy rolls 23.  
KANAYA: Hit  
JOHN: and he got 19.  
KANAYA: Miss  
JOHN: this one gets 22.  
KANAYA: Hit  
JOHN: and that one got 25.  
KANAYA: Hit  
JOHN: 15 damage total.  
KANAYA: And Acrimony Will Now Cast Cure Moderate Wounds On Nookstuffer Healing Him For 17 Damage  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT THAT ACTUALLY WORKED.  
JOHN: daves turn  
DAVE: okay first things first move me out of the darkness like to the left or something  
JOHN: okay  
DAVE: so now im looking at the battlefield and i see a big group of five enemies clustered around a tank and a healer and my fireball senses are tingling  
KANAYA: Dave Are You Sure That Is A Good Idea  
DAVE: no clue but im doing it anyway  
KARKAT: WAIT WHATS HE ABOUT TO DO?  
KANAYA: He Is Going To Cast An Area Of Effect Spell Centered On Us  
KARKAT: DOES THIS GAME HAVE FRIENDLY FIRE?  
KANAYA: It Does  
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? ARE YOU TRYING TO CROSS INTO A NEW THEASHOLD OF USELESSNESS BY LITERALLY DIRECTLY HELPING THE ENEMY NOW?  
DAVE: i think i technically did that when i got mind controlled  
JOHN: dave i want to point out that karkats turn is next. if you hold your action and let him move out of the way you can at least avoid damaging him.  
KARKAT: YES PLEASE. DO THAT. SORRY KANAYA, I'M NOT TRYING TO ABANDON YOU OR ANYTHING BUT IM PRETTY SURE YOU CAN HANDLE ONE OF SIR ASSHAT'S SPELLS. I PROMISE I'LL HEAL YOU ON MY NEXT TURN.  
KANAYA: I Am Not Terribly Pleased With This Plan But I Believe It Will Be Effective  
DAVE: okay so i yell at nookstuffer to get the fuck out of the way as i charge up a fireball all dragonball z style  
JOHN: karkats turn  
KARKAT: HOW FAR DO I HAVE TO RUN, AND IN WHAT DIRECTION?  
DAVE: 20 feet  
DAVE: try running away  
KARKAT: THANK YOU, YOU ARE SO FUCKING HELPFUL. I'LL MOVE TOWARDS GAMZEE I GUESS.  
JOHN: you'll provoke an attack from the one guy who wasnt able to attack kanaya last turn... nevermind he missed  
KARKAT: GOOD. WHILE I'M HERE I CAST CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS ON MYSELF TO HEAL BACK UP TO FULL.  
DAVE: and now fireball  
JOHN: whats the save DC on that  
DAVE: a whopping 16  
KARKAT: SO MARGINALLY MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THE CHARM YOU TOTALLY FUCKED UP LAST TIME.  
JOHN: okay going clockwise again... failed... failed... failed... failed... and failed. all five guys fail their save. and kanaya roll your reflex save too  
KANAYA: I Rolled An Eighteen  
KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT? HANG ON HOW MANY DICE IS HE ROLLING?  
VRISKA: 8d6 ::::)  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK DOES HIS MAGIC DO SO MUCH MORE DAMAGE THAN MINE NOW? WHEN WE FOUGHT THAT HYDRA HE ROLLED FOUR D4'S FOR HIS SPELLS. ALL MY SPELLS DO 4 DICE OR LESS AND I'M POWERED BY THE FUCKING SUN!  
DAVE: so thats 35 damage  
JOHN: you killed all five of the bandits. kanaya takes half damage.  
KARKAT: THAT SPELL DOES HALF DAMAGE EVEN IF YOU SUCCEED ON YOUR ROLL AGAINST IT? IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE IS THIS FUCKING FAIR?  
DAVE: earth universe get used to it  
JOHN: okay so out of the 15 bandits, vriska killed 3 kanaya killed 1 and dave killed 5. theres still two guys at the edge of the camp, 2 in the darkness, and 1 at the edge of the darkness fighting vriska. vriskas guy tries to attack her... nevermind i rolled a 1. the guys in the darkness step out to the side, looking to see where kanaya went. the two guys at the edge charge towards the healers but they cant make it there this turn. its now gamzees turn  
KARKAT: GAMZEE GO HEAL KANAYA. I'LL JOIN YOU ON MY TURN.  
GAMZEE: HaPpY tO dO iT mY cLeRiC bRo. I cUrE aLl ThE sErIoUs WoUnDs On My BaRbArIaN sIsTeR. wHaT tHe FuCk Is 3 PlUs 4 PlUs 7 PlUs 8?  
KANAYA: Twenty Two And Thank You  
GAMZEE: YoU aRe MoThEr FuCkInG wElCoMe.  
JOHN: vriskas turn  
VRISKA: I disengage the enemy and step 8ack into the darkness.  
JOHN: your turn kanaya  
KANAYA: Acrimony Rages And Then Charges One Of The Bandits Moving To Intercept The Healers  
GAMZEE: HoLy ShIt YoU rOlL lIkE a MoThErFuCkEr.  
KANAYA: I Rolled A Critical Hit  
DAVE: ha ha oh man this is gonna hurt  
JOHN: dont forget the +2 you still get from gamzees song  
KANAYA: I Did Not Forget My Total Is 48  
KARKAT: YOU ROLLED A 4 ON YOUR D12 AND SOMEHOW GOT A 48 OUT OF THAT? THAT'S EVEN MORE INSANE THAN WHAT GAMZEE PULLED OFF LAST TIME. THAT'S NEARLY AS MUCH AS I GOT WITH A FUCKING RAY OF MAGICAL LIGHT POWERED BY A LITERAL GOD.  
KANAYA: The Greataxe Is A Formidable Weapon Particularly In The Hands Of A Raging Barbarian  
JOHN: so yeah that guys dead. the other guy stops in his tracks and looks like hes considering running away  
KANAYA: I Know My Turn Is Technically Over But May I Make An Intimidate Roll Please  
JOHN: sure go ahead  
KANAYA: Acrimony Screams In Primal Rage And Holds Her Axe Over Her Head In Triumph  
KANAYA: I Rolled A 24  
JOHN: the remaining bandits panic and turn to run. its technically karkats turn though.  
KARKAT: FUCK IT. IF THE BANDITS ARE FLEEING, I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.  
JOHN: as kanayas scream echoes through the forest the bandits scatter, running in different directions with no coordination at all. with their leader dead and most of the others killed in the battle, the bandit threat has been neutralized... for now.  
DAVE: wait til baroness von doom hears about this  
JOHN: dave shut the fuck up!

To be continued...  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you familiar with 3.5 may be wondering why nobody is confirming critical hits. There are two reasons. Number one, I didn't want to write john saying "roll to confirm" and another line for a character to say what their roll was every time someone scores a critical. Number two, John is the type of DM to house rule not having to confirm because it's more fun.
> 
> Special thanks to a random anon on HSG for a spellcheck. My spelling and grammar apparently gets much worse when writing Karkat.


	3. Gamzee Changes Dice

KARKAT: SO I HAVE A QUESTION. EGBERT STARTED US OUT AT LEVEL EIGHT. WHY IS THAT?  
DAVE: are you asking real questions about the game without complaining  
DAVE: because if so wow  
DAVE: you didnt even say fuck in that sentence  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. HAPPY?  
DAVE: yes  
JOHN: well when you start out at level 1 most of you have single digit hit points and you die in one or two hits. plus everybody has pretty similar attack rolls, saving throws, and a bunch of other stats are just really samey.  
KANAYA: And The Point Of The Adventuring Party Is To Have A Great Deal Of Variety Both For Game Balance And For Flavor  
JOHN: yeah basically. plus most of the spellcasting classes get access to cool spells starting around level 5 or 7, that way you are not just going around casting the same boring spell at everything.  
KARKAT: WOW, CASTING A WEAK USELESS SPELL OVER AND OVER. I WONDER WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S LIKE.  
DAVE: hey my fireball last time was legit  
KARKAT: YES, WITH COLLATERAL DAMAGE THAT WE BARELY MANAGED TO HALVE, THROUGH AN UNPRECEDENTED LEVEL OF TEAMWORK AND COORDINATION. PART OF ME IS STILL CONVINCED I HAD SOME KIND OF BLOOD CLOT IN MY THINKPAN AND THAT WHOLE THING WAS SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP HALLUCINATION.  
JOHN: i was actually going to start you at level 7 but vriska requested you start at 8 instead.  
VRISKA: ::::)  
JOHN: the other reason is so if you guys wanted to multiclass into a prestige class you would be able to have the prestige class right from the start instead of having to build up to it.  
KARKAT: EVERY TIME I THINK I HAVE AT LEAST A WORKING UNDERSTANDING OF THIS STUPID GAME, YOU COME UP WITH SOME NEW BULLSHIT TERM THAT I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM THE MEANING OF. I WOULD THINK YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP AS YOU GO ALONG, IF KANAYA WASN'T CONSTANTLY RECITING SHIT SHE LEARNED FROM LALONDE. WHAT IS A "MULTICLASS?"  
VRISKA: Oh man, it's the 8est way to play! The 8est!  
DAVE: so you know how spider troll is a rogue assassin  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: rogue and assassin are two different things  
KARKAT: SHE HAS TWO CLASSES?  
VRISKA: A8solutely!  
KARKAT: HOW MANY CLASSES IS SHE ALLOWED TO HAVE?  
KANAYA: Technically Speaking There Is No Limit Although Generally Having More Than Two Begins To Become Unwieldy And Is Rarely Effective  
KARKAT: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME, IN THEORY, IF I WANTED TO BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, I COULD HAVE EVERY CLASS AT ONCE?  
JOHN: well you are only level 8 so you could have 1 level in 8 different classes. but yeah if you wanted to you could.  
VRISKA: That would actually 8e pretty funny.  
KANAYA: The Players Handbook Has Eleven Different Classes However Some Of Them Have Alignment Restrictions That Prevent Certain Multiclass Options From Being Possible Within The Rules  
DAVE: okay calling dibs here  
DAVE: if brofist dies im switching to a barbarian bard cleric druid fighter ranger rogue wizard  
DAVE: or something like that i dunno ill have to crunch the maths on it  
KARKAT: I WON'T EVEN BOTHER GOING INTO ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT IS INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID, BECAUSE I'D PREFER NOT TO SPEND THE NEXT TWELVE HOURS IN THIS ROOM. AND NOW I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK, BUT WHAT IS A "PRESTIGE CLASS?"  
JOHN: prestige classes work the same as a regular class except before you can take a level in a prestige class you have to meet some prerequisites. vriska for example had to have 8 ranks in the hide and move silently skills in order to take the assassin class.  
KARKAT: OKAY SO HOW MANY OF THOSE PRESTIGE CLASSES CAN YOU HAVE? HOW MANY ARE THERE ANYWAY?  
DAVE: you can have as many as you want  
DAVE: the skys the limit  
VRISKA: If you take a look outside the core 8ooks, there's tons of prestige classes to chose 8etween. Pro8a8ly hundreds!  
JOHN: thats something i did not mention when i was explaining this game before we started. this game was published with an open license and anybody could make books for it.  
KARKAT: WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING SOUNDS LIKE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL CLUSTERFUCK.  
JOHN: the system is kind of a mess if you try to look at every single book ever published.  
KANAYA: Rose Mentioned That There Was A Great Deal Of Content That Was Of Dubious Quality And Suggested Sticking To Core Material With No More Than A Few Third Party Books At A Time  
KANAYA: However She Did Mention That At Its Core A Lot Of The Games Mechanics Began To Break Down Balance Wise At Middle To High Levels  
DAVE: oh yeah as a game dnd is broken as shit  
DAVE: look at any spell above 3rd level they get fucking insane  
DAVE: guess what thats not the fucking point  
DAVE: its an rpg the point is to sit around and play pretend with your friends  
DAVE: like no shit the game mechanics are unbalanced and stupid thats probably intentional  
DAVE: the point is to use your imagination and have fun and god damn thats what were going to do with it  
KARKAT: THIS IS FUN TO YOU?  
DAVE: do i look like im bored  
KARKAT: YES? YOU USUALLY DO. I'M RELATIVELY CERTAIN THAT YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF MENTAL HANDICAP WHEN COMPARED TO OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR SPECIES, WHICH PREVENTS YOU FROM EXPRESSING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A BLANK PSEUDO-SARCASTIC FACADE OF COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: yeah thats what i look like when im having fun  
DAVE: here look at me roll this d20  
DAVE: wheeeeeeee  
GAMZEE: I'm MoThErFuCkInG bAcK!  
VRISKA: Took you long enough!  
KARKAT: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I ASSUMED YOU WERE JUST GETTING MORE FAYGO AND GOT LOST OR SOMETHING.  
GAMZEE: i MoThErFuCkInG mAdE wItH tHe MiRaClE dEvIcE sOmE sWeEt PlAsTiC mOtHeRfUcKeRs!  
KANAYA: Im Sorry What  
VRISKA: He alchemized a 8unch of dice.  
KANAYA: Oh  
GAMZEE: ThEy GoT cLoUdS oF fAyGo RaInIn DoWn MiRaClE gLiTtEr AlL uP iN tHeM  
VRISKA: Looks like they've got some kind of sparkle liquid inside them. Those are actually kind of cool!  
VRISKA: Gamzee you just 8ecame a tiny 8it less lame in my 8ook!  
GAMZEE: hOnK :o)  
KARKAT: GAMZEE DID YOU ACTUALLY ALCHEMIZE THOSE DICE OUT OF FAYGO?  
GAMZEE: YeS i DiD mY sWeEt MoThErFuCkIn BrO.  
Karkat: LET ME SEE ONE FOR A SECOND.  
GAMZEE: bRo LoOk WiTh YoUr EyEs NoT wItH yOuR hAnDs.  
KARKAT: NO, FUCK THAT, COME HERE.  
DAVE: oh boy here we go  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, THIS DIE IS STICKY. I THINK IT'S LITERALLY MADE OUT OF SOME KIND OF SOLIDIFIED SODA.  
JOHN: haha how does that even work?  
KANAYA: Is That A Problem Karkat  
KARKAT: HERE LOOK. THE D6 STICKS TO THE PAPER. AND... YEAH IT ALSO STICKS TO THE TABLE. THIS THING HAS THE CONSISTENCY OF A HALF-SUCKED ON PIECE OF CANDY. IT'S GOING TO GET STICKY SHIT ALL OVER EVERY TIME HE ROLLS THE FUCKING THING!  
DAVE: i have the weirdest boner right now  
KARKAT: THESE FUCKING DICE ARE A MESS WAITING TO HAPPEN. ACTUALLY THEY'RE A MESS THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED. MY HANDS ARE ALREADY STICKY AND I BARELY TOUCHED THE FUCKING THINGS!  
GAMZEE: DoN't WoRrY aBoUt It BrO yOu SiT wAy AcRoSs ThE tAbLe FrOm Me I wOn'T gEt AnY sTiCkY oN yOuR sHiT i PrOmIsE.  
KANAYA: I Would Prefer Not To Get My Character Sheet Or My Side Of The Table Sticky From His Dice  
DAVE: i dont give a shit switch seats with me  
KANAYA: You Sit On The Other Side Of Him How Would That Help  
VRISKA: Ugh Kan8ya you 8ig wiggler. I'll switch with you if it'll keep you happy.  
KANAYA: Thank You Very Much  
JOHN: okay is everyone situated?  
KANAYA: Yes Thank You  
VRISKA: Yes.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: I GUESS.  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
JOHN: so lets pick up right where we left off. its around noon and you are in a bandit camp which you have just finished breaking up. out of the 15 people who were here you killed 11, including their leader who was a sorceress. the other 4 bandits ran off in different directions. based on the number of tents in the camp you don't think there were any other bandits left unaccounted for.  
KARKAT: THAT'S GOOD. I WAS WORRIED WE HAD JUST PROVOKED SOME KIND OF GIANT FOREST BANDIT ARMY BY KILLING ONE OF MANY CAMPS.  
JOHN: i assume the party loots the camp?  
VRISKA: A8solutely!  
JOHN: going through the bandits belongings you find a bunch of nonmagical armor and weapons, none of it particularly valuable. the big guy has a +2 magic sword that's probably worth selling.  
Karkat: WHAT? HE HAS A MAGIC ADDITION SWORD?  
KANAYA: Plus Two Means That The Sword Does An Additional Two Points Of Damage On A Hit And Also Has An Additional Plus Two To Attack Rolls  
KARKAT: THAT'S SHOCKINGLY STRAIGHTFORWARD FOR THIS GAME. EVERYTHING ELSE SO FAR HAS A BUNCH OF TECHNICAL GIBBERISH TO DESCRIBE ITS MECHANICS. I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT CALLED +2/+2 TO INDICATE THAT IT DOES AN EXTRA TWO FOR BOTH ATTACKS AND DAMAGE.  
DAVE: i think the game used to be like that a long time ago  
DAVE: youd have to ask rose i dont really know shit about ad&d that shit was before our time  
KARKAT: I AM NOT GOING TO ASK LALONDE FOR A FUCKING HISTORY LESSON ON WHAT THIS GAME USED TO BE LIKE.  
KANAYA: I Find Rose To Be A Very Knowledgeable And Helpful Resource For This Game  
KARKAT: I'LL LET YOU HAVE DIBS. YOU CAN BE THE OFFICIAL AMBASSADOR TO THE LALONDE DEPARTMENT OF INFORMATION AND TECHNICAL FUCKERY. AS FORMER TEAM LEADER I AM APPOINTING YOU TO THIS POSITION.  
VRISKA: Th8ts more deleg8tion and organiz8tion than usual for you, Karkat.  
KARKAT: YEAH, MAYBE I'LL GET LUCKY THIS TIME AND SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY DO WHAT I TELL THEM. A TROLL CAN DREAM I GUESS.  
JOHN: as you go through the tents you find that most of the bandits had some coins on them, not much though. somebody roll a percent die for me please?  
Karkat: HERE'S ANOTHER DELEGATION. VRISKA, SINCE YOU TEND TO ROLL WELL, A PHENOMENON WHICH IS NO WAY SUSPICIOUS OR INCRIMINATING, HOW ABOUT YOU ROLL FOR GROUP STUFF LIKE TREASURE.  
VRISKA: I resent the implic8tion that I'm cheating! You're just jealous that I have more kills than you!  
KARKAT: JEALOUS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE PLAYING A MURDERER. YOUR ACTUAL JOB TITLE IS "PERSON WHO KILLS PEOPLE FOR A LIVING." MEANWHILE I'M PLAYING A HEALER, WHOSE JOB IT IS TO KEEP EVERYONE ELSE ALIVE SO I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO AROUND KILLING BAD GUYS. AND I THINK I'M DOING A DECENT JOB, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, SINCE NOBODY HAS DIED ON OUR TEAM DESPITE TACTICS AND TEAMWORK THAT ARE TERRIBLE EVEN BY OUR STANDARDS. SO NO SHIT YOU'VE KILLED MORE ENEMIES THAN ME.  
KARKAT: AND SECONDLY, WHO GIVES A SHIT? I COULDN'T POSSIBLY CARE ANY LESS ABOUT THIS GAME AND WHETHER WE WIN OR LOSE. WANT TO KNOW WHY? IT'S JUST A GAME. FOR ONCE WE'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING WHERE 90% OF ALL POSSIBLE OUTCOMES RESULT IN ONE OR MORE OF MY FRIENDS DYING. THE STAKES HERE ARE SO FUCKING MEANINGLESS IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS THAT IT'S PRACTICALLY A RELAXING VACATION FOR ME, EVEN THOUGH I'M SURROUNDED BY THE FIVE PRIMARY FLAVORS OF ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: SO NO, I'M NOT JEALOUS OF ANYONE, AND I SURE AS FUCK AM NOT JEALOUS OF YOU. NOW ROLL THE GOD DAMN PERCENT DIE.  
VRISKA: ::::\  
VRISKA: 83.  
JOHN: mix of gold, silver, and copper coins, totaling 183 gold in value.  
KANAYA: I Dont Mean To Complain But That Is Not Much Treasure  
JOHN: dont worry there is more. when you loot the sorceress' tent you find a large chest which is locked. it is sturdy but clearly well used and a little old. this is probably where they store most of their loot.  
GAMZEE: aNyOnE gOt A kEy?  
JOHN: while you were looting the bodies you found a mangled piece of metal on a chain around the bandit leaders neck. it was probably a key but was ruined by karkats searing light.  
KARKAT: HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT.  
VRISKA: Relax, I got this. I ask everyone else to leave the tent 8efore I try to pick the lock. I need privacy to oper8!  
GAMZEE: I gIvE mY sIs SoMe SpAcE.  
KANAYA: Acrimony Takes This Opportunity To Check The Perimeter Of The Camp For Possible Reinforcements  
DAVE: i go check out the sexy magic babe  
JOHN: gross dave, shes a corpse.  
KARKAT: SO HANG ON A MINUTE. DOES VRISKA ACTUALLY NEED US TO STAND CLEAR OF HER TO PICK LOCKS OR IS SHE FULL OF SHIT?  
JOHN: nookstuffer isnt sure. roll intelligence  
KARKAT: OH GREAT, THAT'S NOOKSTUFFER'S LOWEST STAT. I GOT 15.  
JOHN: hmm. is vriska going to try to persuade him that he needs to leave?  
VRISKA: A8solutely! I tell Nookstuffer that 8reaking locks is a sacred art among my people, passed down for generations from mother to daughter and from father to son.  
VRISKA: For him to o8serve it would 8e sacrilege! It would 8e an a8omination! An outr8ge!  
JOHN: vriska roll bluff. karkat roll sense motive.  
KARKAT: 16.  
VRISKA: 25!  
JOHN: okay nookstuffer is reasonably convinced that, as far as vriska is concerned, having someone watch her pick a lock would be an insult to her religious beliefs. you think you should respect them even if they differ from yours.  
KARKAT: FINE. NOOKSTUFFER WAITS OUTSIDE THE TENT.  
JOHN: alright vriska roll to pick the lock.  
VRISKA: Hang on a minute! First I want to check it for traps.  
JOHN: alright roll search.  
VRISKA: 29!  
JOHN: you find no traps.  
VRISKA: I'm checking the entire tent just to 8e sure. Spellcasters can 8e sneaky!  
JOHN: you're pretty sure there are no traps anywhere in the tent.  
VRISKA: Okay. I rolled 26 to 8ust the lock.  
JOHN: with a click the lock is disabled. karkat are you still waiting outside?  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY.  
JOHN: i'll let you roll listen to see if you hear her opening the chest.  
KARKAT: THAT'S... 7. I'M GOING TO GUESS THAT FAILS.  
JOHN: yeah sorry.  
VRISKA: Ha!  
JOHN: inside the chest you find a nondescript leather sack which you recognize as a bag of holding. there is a small jewelry box containing some rings and necklaces which you estimate to be worth about 200 gold total, unless they're magical in which case they're worth a lot more. there are also some maps and several envelopes with wax seals that have already been broken.  
VRISKA: Don't care a8out the mail right now. What's in the 8ag of holding?  
JOHN: you find two scrolls of teleport. there is also a coin purse with another 750 gold and a leatherbound book that looks like a diary.  
VRISKA: I sneak the purse and the jewelry 8ox into my 8ackpack. Then I put 8ack the 8ag, close the lid, and call out to every8ody that I just got the lock open!  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER ASKS IF IT'S SAFE TO COME IN NOW.  
VRISKA: A8solutely! I open the lid of the chest and point out the 8ag. "I 8et there's some gr8 loot in there!"  
KANAYA: I Do Not Want To Derail The Divvying Of Loot But Does Acrimony See Any Sign Of Elanis While She Is Checking The Perimeter  
DAVE: who  
KANAYA: The Elven Warrior Who Ambushed Us In The Forest Earlier Who Was Going To Assist Us During The Attack On The Camp  
GAMZEE: sHiT yEaH i WaS aLl HaViNg FoRgOtTeN aBoUt HiM!  
JOHN: im glad you asked! while you are checking the perimeter you see no signs of him. in fact it looks like he totally ditched you guys!  
DAVE: man this party is so awesome even the npcs cant handle us  
KANAYA: I Am Troubled By His Disappearance  
GAMZEE: hE wAs BeIn AlL hElLz Of SnEaKy On ThE rOaD bUt ThEn He WaS aLl LiKe BeIn HeLpFuL aNd ShIt  
DAVE: maybe he was a mirage  
JOHN: a mirage in a forest?  
DAVE: yeah man mirages can happen anywhere when youre in a land of adventure  
DAVE: wait let me check are we in a magical land of adventure right now  
DAVE: yeah pretty sure my charsheet still says dungeons and dragons on the top of it  
KARKAT: SO THIS BAG.  
JOHN: yes karkat?  
KARKAT: YOU SAID THE PHRASE "BAG OF HOLDING" LIKE IT MEANT SOMETHING. I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE NOT JUST MAKING A COMMENT ON A BAG'S NORMAL PURPOSE OF HOLDING ITEMS AND THIS IS SOME KIND OF OFFICIAL GAME TERM?  
DAVE: basically its a mary poppins bag  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: wait shit sorry my bad  
DAVE: i meant its a troll mary poppins bag  
KARKAT: OH. SO IT'S A MAGIC BAG THAT CAN HOLD REALLY LARGE ITEMS INSIDE OF IT THAT SHOULDN'T NORMALLY FIT?  
JOHN: actually yeah that is basically it  
DAVE: wow that worked  
KARKAT: I GUESS THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE TOP TEN STUPIDEST THINGS THAT'S BEEN IN THIS GAME SO FAR. I MEAN IN MOST GAMES THE CHARACTERS END UP CARRYING AROUND A TON OF RANDOM SHIT, SO YOU MAY AS WELL HAND-WAVE IT BY SAYING ITS ALL IN A MAGIC BAG. IT'S NOT LIKE NOOKSTUFFER HAS A SYLLADEX TO PUT ALL OF HIS SHIT INTO.  
VRISKA: That's something this game is lacking 8ig time!  
KANAYA: I Imagine Magic Makes Inventory Management Somewhat Unnecessary In This Setting  
VRISKA: More like 8oring!  
KARKAT: OKAY SO, SCROLLS OF TELEPORT. CAN WE USE THESE? I DON'T KNOW HOW SCROLLS WORK.  
JOHN: dave could try to use them but it would not be a guaranteed success because he is too low level  
KARKAT: I'M ASSUMING HE WOULD HAVE TO ROLL SOMETHING TO GET IT TO WORK?  
JOHN: yes  
KARKAT: NOOKSTUFFER SETS THE SCROLLS ASIDE FOR LATER, WITH A MENTAL NOTE TO KEEP THEM THE FUCK AWAY FROM BROFIST.  
DAVE: aw man youre no fun  
KARKAT: SAID THE ASSHOLE WHO'S DIED SEVERAL TIMES, TO THE ASSHOLE WHO'S KEEPING HIM ALIVE.  
VRISKA: Ha!  
KARKAT: WHAT ELSE WAS THERE, ASIDE FROM WHAT VRISKA STOLE?  
GAMZEE: WaIt I wAs TaKiNg NoTeS i KnOw WhAt AlL wE bE hAvIn.  
KARKAT: OH THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. PLEASE, GAMZEE, ENLIGHTEN US.  
GAMZEE: LeTs SeE wE gOt ChArAcTeR nAmE, eLdOn GrEeNbOtTlE, pLaYeR mE, cLaSs AnD lEvEl BaRd EiGhT, rAcE hAlFlInG, aLiGnMeNt? DeItY tHe MoThErFuCkIn MiRtHfUl MeSsIaHs  
VRISKA: You're just reading your fucking character sheet!  
GAMZEE: Oh ShIt SoRrY  
KANAYA: Apart From What Vriskas Character Kept For Herself There Was No Other Treasure However There Were Some Maps And Opened Envelopes As Well As A Diary  
KARKAT: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE BANDIT QUEEN'S MAIL OR HER PERSONAL LIFE. ARE THE MAPS ANY USE TO US?  
JOHN: are you going to examine them?  
KARKAT: NO, I'M GOING TO EQUIP THEM AS A WEAPON. YES I'M GOING TO FUCKING EXAMINE THEM!  
JOHN: you pick out a random map and immediately you see that everything on it is written in dwarven. its a map of the area and you can see that the forest you are currently in eventually gives way to mountains. theres a city in the mountains with a big circle drawn around it. you do not recognise the name of the city but its probably a dwarven city.  
VRISKA: Fucking Dwarves! I gra8 another map. Is it in Dwarven too?  
JOHN: yeah all of the maps are in dwarven.  
VRISKA: 8ah! Lousy stupid human 8andits pro8a8ly can't even read dwarven........  
KARKAT: THESE MAPS ARE WORTHLESS TO US ANYWAY, THEY'RE JUST MAPS. THEY COULDN'T EVEN BE MAGICAL MAPS, EGBERT?  
DAVE: now lets be realistic you would have complained about that even more  
KARKAT: AT LEAST IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING CONSISTENT.  
KANAYA: The Man Who Hired Us To Deal With The Bandits May Be Able To Use These In Some Way  
GAMZEE: tHaTs A gOoD mOtHeRfUcKiN iDeA  
VRISKA: I don't know a8out you 8ut I just wanna get p8d!  
DAVE: yeah were adventurers our only motivation is fat stacks  
KANAYA: I Dont See The Correlation Between Mercenary Work And Piles Of Corpulence  
DAVE: not fat people fat stacks  
DAVE: cash dough cheddar moolah dead presidents  
GAMZEE: AaM i ThE oNlY mOtHeRfUcKeR hAvInG tRoUbLe UnDeRsTaNdIn HiM?  
DAVE: greenbacks sawbucks simoleons  
DAVE: wampum?  
DAVE: man im running out of slang here  
KARKAT: WE'RE IGNORING YOU. MOVING ON.  
KANAYA: I Am Concerned By The Disappearance Of Our Mysterious Ally  
GAMZEE: Oh MaN mAyBe OuR bRo WaS aTtAcKeD bY tHe BaNdItS  
VRISKA: Or may8e he was in league with them!  
KARKAT: I THINK IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT HE ABANDONED US. THAT ASSHOLE WAS PRETTY FUCKING SKETCHY. WHAT WAS HE DOING FOLLOWING US FROM THE TREE TOPS IN THE FIRST PLACE?  
KANAYA: Should We Look For Him  
VRISKA: Yes! He a8andoned us in the middle of a 8attle! He'd 8etter have a damn good reason for ditching us!  
GAMZEE: dUdE cOuLd Be HuRt AnD nEeD oUr HeLp  
KARKAT: I VOTE FOR "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, LET'S JUST LEAVE."  
DAVE: stoner and psycho are both right and thats a weirdass coincidence   
VRISKA: H8y!  
GAMZEE: HoNk  
DAVE: dudes either hurt or totally flaked on us i wanna find him  
KARKAT: UGH. FINE. LET'S SPLIT UP AND SEARCH THE FOREST FOR THIS ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: woah hang on man nobody said anything about splitting up  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KANAYA: It Is Tactically Inadvisable To Split The Party Especially When In A Potentially Dangerous Situation Such As When Searching A Forest For An Individual With Questionable Motivation  
KARKAT: NO SHIT IT'S NOT USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO SPLIT UP. DO YOU THINK I'M A FUCKING WIGGLER?  
VRISKA: Sometimes, yes!  
KARKAT: HERE'S THE THING. IF HE WAS PLANNING TO HELP US AND GOT ATTACKED OR INJURED, HE CAN'T HAVE GONE TOO FAR FROM THE CAMP. ON THE OTHER HAND, IF HE WAS PLANNING TO BETRAY US, THE TIME TO ATTACK WAS DURING THE FIGHT WHILE WE WERE SURROUNDED AND PREOCCUPIED. AND IF HE RAN AWAY FOR WHATEVER REASON, HE'S HAD TOO MUCH OF A HEAD START FOR US TO CATCH HIM NOW. SO ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SEARCH THE NEARBY SURROUNDINGS AND STAY WITHIN RANGE TO HEAR EACH OTHER SCREAMING IF ONE OF US IS ATTACKED. PLUS, IF WE'RE TRYING TO LURE HIM OUT IN CASE HE WAS PLANNING TO ATTACK, HE'S GOING TO WAIT UNTIL ONE OF US IS ALONE ANYWAY. WE MAY AS WELL SPRING HIS TRAP UNDER OUR OWN TERMS.  
DAVE: thats actually not a bad plan  
KARKAT: YES, I KNOW IT'S SOMETIMES HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND, BUT I AM CAPABLE OF HALFWAY COMPETENT STRATEGIC THINKING WHEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.  
JOHN: so is everyone splitting up?  
KANAYA: I Am Convinced  
VRISKA: I guess so.  
GAMZEE: LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKeR  
DAVE: oh man this is totally going to fuck us  
JOHN: everyone roll a percent die. whoever rolls the lowest is the one getting attacked.  
GAMZEE: sHiT  
VRISKA: God damn it!  
DAVE: told you so  
KARKAT: THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE WAY OF DECIDING THAT. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE PLAUSIBLE SENSE IN THE GAME WORLD.  
JOHN: yeah well i am the game master so shh. just roll.  
KARKAT: 45  
DAVE: 22  
KANAYA: 91  
GAMZEE: tHrEe HuNdReD aNd FoUr  
KANAYA: No Gamzee You Rolled A Thirty On One Die And A Four On The Other That Is A Thirty-Four  
GAMZEE: I rOlLeD tHaT tHeN  
VRISKA: Well this should 8e interesting. I got 6.  
KARKAT: HA HA. LOOK AT THE SMUG LOOK ON EGBERT'S STUPID FUCKING FACE. I THINK VRISKA'S ABOUT TO BE SERVED A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKING KARMA. GUESS WHICH HEALER ISN'T GOING TO BE HELPING HER?  
VRISKA: Fuck you! I don't need no8ody's help!  
JOHN: so you are all spread out in different directions and the area is too wide to really position you accurately on the grid, but basically everyone is spread outward from the camp in a huge circle. the forest is fairly quiet and you could hear each other if you yelled or screamed but speaking in game terms it would take a few rounds for anyone to get to anyone else. vriska you are flat footed as an arrow comes from behind with an attack roll of 18  
VRISKA: Yeah he gets me.  
JOHN: the arrow hits you for 19 points of damage  
VRISKA: Ow! Wh8t the f8ck k8nd of 8mmo is he p8cking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
JOHN: you are pretty sure its a magic bow  
VRISKA: Yeah no sh8t! Do I see where the 8ttack c8me from?  
JOHN: nope. he's hiding somewhere in the trees.  
VRISKA: I dem8nd the r8ght to m8ke a spot check!  
JOHN: if you stop and try to look for him you are leaving yourself open for another attack. do you want to risk it?  
VRISKA: It's a gam8le 8ut I gotta know where he is!  
JOHN: roll it.  
VRISKA: Th8t's a 28!  
JOHN: so you turn to look behind you and you see movement up in a tree a split second before another arrow comes flying at you. you saw the attack coming so you are not flat footed anymore. does a 20 hit you?  
VRISKA: Yes, 8arely!  
JOHN: you take 14 more damage  
KARKAT: VRISKA, AS FUN AS IT IS TRYING TO HELP YOU MAKE DECISIONS THAT TACTICALLY HELP THE GROUP INSTEAD OF YOURSELF, I FEEL OBLIGATED TO SUGGEST YOU FUCKING RUN AWAY INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIGHT THIS ASSHOLE ALONE.  
VRISKA: He's up in the 8ranches of a tree?  
JOHN: yeah  
VRISKA: How far away is the 8ase of the tree, and how far up is he?  
JOHN: the tree is about ten feet from you and hes about ten feet up  
VRISKA: Th8ts perfect! I cast Spider Clim8. ::::)  
JOHN: huh.  
VRISKA: So I d8sh over to the tree, and using the 8onus from the Spider clim8 spell, I clim8 right up after him!  
Karkat: WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT SPELL DO?  
JOHN: it gives her a climb speed of 20 feet  
DAVE: basically she magically can now climb just as easily as she can walk  
JOHN: elanis attacks again with... 17  
VRISKA: Miss! Am I close enough to make an attack of opportunity?  
JOHN: you are right underneath him, but you needed both hands to climb even with the magic, so you do not have a free hand to attack with.  
VRISKA: 8ullshit!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: he decides you are not as easy of a target as he was hoping and jumps out of the tree, then turns to run  
VRISKA: Get 8ack here! Don't tell me a 8ig 8ad mysterious ranger is scared of one little Dark Elf!  
KANAYA: Drow  
VRISKA: Wh8tever!!!!!!!  
JOHN: are you actually going to taunt him?  
VRISKA: A8solutely! Wh8t do I roll for that? Intimid8?  
JOHN: just make a charisma check  
KANAYA: Vriska Before You Roll That May I Ask How Many Hit Points You Have Left  
VRISKA: Not many! Why?  
KANAYA: Based On The Damage His Attacks Have Been Doing Is It Likely That He May Finish You Off With One More Attack  
VRISKA: May8e! Why????????  
KANAYA: Perhaps It Would Be Wiser To Let Him Escape Instead Of Provoking Him To Attack  
VRISKA: No w8y! I have the advantage! As long as were 8oth in the trees I can move and clim8 without making rolls, and I keep my dex to my AC so he gets no 8onus to attack me!  
VRISKA: 8ut he can't do any of that, and plus he's either clim8ing or 8alancing or whatever all the time, so I'm a8le to get sneak attacks for free! Plus he only has a 8ow while I have a melee weapon!  
KARKAT: HEY ASSHOLE, NONE OF THAT MATTERS IF HE CAN KILL YOU IN ONE HIT. HE'S PROBABLY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CONSIDERING THAT HE OUT-STEALTHED YOU EARLIER. YOU AREN'T GOING TO KILL HIM BEFORE HE LANDS ONE MORE ATTACK. IF YOU WANT TO GO KILL YOURSELF FIGHTING A RANDOM ENEMY, BE MY GUEST. OTHERWISE, EITHER CALL FOR HELP OR RUN BACK TO THE CAMP OR SOMETHING.  
VRISKA: Goddammit! Fine! I yell, "Help, help! I'm 8eing attacked! Everyone run to me, quick! Save me!" ::::\  
GAMZEE: dO wE aLl HeAr OuR sIs CaLlIn FoR hElP  
DAVE: oh hell yeah man were adventurers we can pick out a damsel in distress calling for help from a hundred miles away  
VRISKA: I 8m n8t a f8cking d8msel in f8cking distr8ss!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: okay the five of you are roughly arranged in a pentagon shape. gamzee and kanaya are closer to vriska while dave and karkat are further away.  
DAVE: hey thats brofist and nookstuffer get it right  
JOHN: sorry, eldon and acrimony are closest while nookstuffer and brofist are furthest. everyone roll listen. the two that are further away have a higher DC to hear the cry for help  
KANAYA: 21  
DAVE: 16  
KARKAT: 5  
GAMZEE: iLl AlSo Be GeTtIn MySeLf A 21 fOr ThAt  
JOHN: okay eldon and acrimony both hear the cry for help, while the other two hear nothing  
VRISKA: Gr8t! One h8lf 8ackup! ::::\  
KARKAT: STOP WHINING, YOU'RE GETTING THE TWO WHO'VE BEEN THE MOST RELIABLE IN KILLING SINGLE TARGETS SO FAR. STRIDER WOULD HAVE BURNED THE FOREST DOWN AND YOU STEALING FROM US EARLIER HASN'T PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD TO HEAL YOU.  
JOHN: kanaya has fast movement from being a barbarian and gamzee is a halfling so kanaya is twice as fast a gamzee. assuming you are both going to run acrimony will reach vriska in two rounds and gamzee will reach her in four  
VRISKA: I don't w8nt them to come to me, I want them to stop the 8astard who shot me!  
KANAYA: You Did Not Convey That Information In Your Cry For Help  
VRISKA: Hey, we never rolled for initi8tive. Whose turn is it?  
JOHN: elanis just went so its technically yours.  
VRISKA: Okay, 8ig question! Was Elanis just retreating from the tree I clim8ed, or was he actually running away?  
JOHN: it's not technically his turn but hes about to run  
VRISKA: Which w8y?  
JOHN: he is actually going straight towards gamzee  
GAMZEE: ThEn I'lL gO sTrAiGhT mOtHeRfUcKiNg ToWaRdS hIm!  
VRISKA: I'll follow him from a8ove in the trees until he gets closer to Gamzee. And thanks to Spider Clim8, I don't even have to roll to clim8 through the trees!  
JOHN: on his turn he runs and vriska follows. but because vriska's climb speed is only 20 he quickly pulls ahead.  
VRISKA: F8ck!  
KARKAT: JUST GET OUT OF THE TREES, ASSHOLE.  
VRISKA: Gee, you think?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
GAMZEE: OkAy So If HeS cOmIn ToWaRdS mE hOw LoNg UnTiL i CaN bE gEtTiN mY aXe On?  
JOHN: gamzee and elanis are running towards each other. vriska is climbing after him and kanaya is running in vriska's direction. kanaya is faster than everyone but is further away. so... in one round gamzee and elanis will run into each other. the next round kanaya will catch up to vriska and the round after that they'll both run into elanis and gamzee.  
KANAYA: Understood  
DAVE: karkat whatre we doing  
KARKAT: WE ARE APPARENTLY HAVING A MAGICAL FOREST ADVENTURE, LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO'S HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY AND BEING CHASED BY THE OTHER THREE FIFTHS OF OUR PARTY. OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, "HAVING THE TIME OF MY FUCKING LIFE."  
DAVE: rad  
JOHN: vriska's turn. elanis has pulled ahead of you but you're pretty sure he was just going in a straight line.  
VRISKA: I guess I'll just clim8 through the trees after him.  
GAMZEE: DoNt WoRrY sIs I'lL sToP tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR rIgHt In HiS tRaCkS aNd ThEn YoU cAn Be GeTtIn AlL oF yOuR mUrDeRs On  
JOHN: gamzee, you see elanis coming straight towards you. he skids to a halt and raises his bow but technically does not have time to attack this turn. and that makes it your turn.  
GAMZEE: ShIt YoU kNoW iT i GoT mY wEaPoN rEaDy AnD eVeRyThInG  
GAMZEE: wAiT sHoUlD i Be UsIn My LuTe FoR tHiS  
KARKAT: ARE YOU GOING TO STOP HIM WITH A FUCKING MUSICAL NUMBER?  
GAMZEE: i DuNnO mAn It MiGhT bE wOrTh A tRy  
KARKAT: JUST USE YOUR WEAPON. WHEN YOU INEVITABLY MISS BECAUSE IT'S MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HIT ANYTHING, YOU'LL AT LEAST DISTRACT HIM LONG ENOUGH FOR TEAM MURDER-RAMPAGE TO CATCH UP AND BE NOT USELESS.  
GAMZEE: I gEt My MaD aXe AlL uP iN tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeRs ElF fAcE  
GAMZEE: i GoT a 9  
JOHN: yeah you miss completely  
GAMZEE: MoThEr Of A fUcKeR  
JOHN: acrimony catches up to vriska but she is up in a tree  
KANAYA: If You Come Down I Can Heal You With The Two Cure Light Wounds Spells Karkat Gave Me Earlier  
VRISKA: Fuck th8t noise, go 8fter the 8rcher! I point in the direction he r8n!  
KANAYA: Acrimony Chases After The Archer Then  
VRISKA: And I guess I'll keep clim8ing after them.  
KARKAT: YOU'RE REALLY ATTACHED TO THAT CLIMBING SPELL, AREN'T YOU?  
VRISKA: I'll thinking of something, you can 8et on it!  
KARKAT: SURE.  
JOHN: that makes it elanis' turn. he will take a five foot step back away from the halfling, put his fingers to his mouth, and whistle sharply. everyone can hear the whistle as it echoes through the forest.  
DAVE: oh shit he summoned something  
DAVE: or called for backup  
KARKAT: COMMON SENSE DICTATES THAT WAS AN IMPORTANT WHISTLE. I RUN TOWARDS IT.  
DAVE: yeah me too whistles are my fuckin jam  
JOHN: nookstuffer and brofist will reach gamzee and elanis in... five rounds. kanaya will arrive on her next turn and vriska the round after that. that will make it gamzee's turn.  
GAMZEE: i StEp Up To ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR aNd KeEp AtTaCkInG  
GAMZEE: hErE cOmEs ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN fAyGo  
GAMZEE: Uh  
GAMZEE: WhAt ThE fUcK  
KARKAT: THAT WAS WEIRD, THE DIE DIDN'T EVEN BOUNCE. IS THAT THING STUCK TO THE TABLE?  
GAMZEE: i DoN't KnOw WhAt ThIs MeAnS  
GAMZEE: tHiS iSnT a SiDe Or A nUmBeR oR aNy FuCkInG tHiNg  
DAVE: im calling it here folks gamzee has officially rolled something that isnt even a number  
VRISKA: It landed on an edge instead of a face. It's halfway 8etween a 16 and a 3. The die didn't even 8ump into anything else, it's just stuck to the ta8letop.  
JOHN: wow uh... i guess reroll that.  
GAMZEE: No MaN tHiS iS wHaT i WeNt AnD rOlLeD wHeN i HaD tO tHrOw ThE mAgIc PlAsTiC.  
GAMZEE: iM kEePiNg ThIs NuMbEr. :O)  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT A FUCKING NUMBER, YOUR DIE JUST GOT STUCK AND LANDED WRONG. REROLL IT.  
GAMZEE: nO mAn LoOk WaTcH tHiS  
KARKAT: DON'T BUMP THE FUCKING TABLE!  
GAMZEE: i'M gOnNa MaKe It InTo A mIrAcLe, JuSt YoU wAtCh  
GAMZEE: Oh ShIt WoOpS tHeRe GoEs ThE fAyGo  
KANAYA: I Am Glad That Bottle Was Closed  
KARKAT: STOP. HITTING. THE TABLE. ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: john just tell him he hits so he stops  
JOHN: okay yeah gamzee you officially rolled 163. you hit.  
GAMZEE: MiRaClEs.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS OFFICIALLY THE DUMBEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS GAME YET.  
GAMZEE: Do I mOtHeRfUcKiN cRiTiCaL hIt BrO?  
JOHN: no.  
GAMZEE: hAd To MaKe SuRe.  
KARKAT: IF YOUR DIE GETS STUCK WHEN YOU ROLL FOR DAMAGE I'M SMASHING THOSE THINGS MYSELF.  
GAMZEE: I dO 11 mOtHeRfUcKiNg DaMaGe.  
JOHN: elanis does not seem very intimidated by you. he tries to shoot you point blank. roll an attack of opportunity.  
GAMZEE: WhAt ThE fUcK dO i RoLl FoR tHaT tHiNg He SaId  
KANAYA: It Is The Same As Your Normal Attack With All The Usual Bonuses And Penalties  
DAVE: mostly penalties  
GAMZEE: ThAtS a MoThErFuCkInG 5  
VRISKA: Gamzee you may as well not even 8other. Unless you roll a 20, or John allows more 8ullshit like your last attack, you aren't going to hit anything.  
GAMZEE: I mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeLiEvE iN mYsElF, tHaT's AlL tHe FuCk I nEeD!  
JOHN: gamzee is your character chaotic?  
GAMZEE: wHaT tHe FuCk DoEs ThAt MeAn  
KANAYA: He Said When We Started That His Alignment Is Chaotic Neutral  
JOHN: elanis rolled a 26 which im pretty sure hits you. you take 10 points of damage  
VRISKA: Ooooooooh, I get it now. I'm dum8. No wonder his attacks hurt so much. His 8ow must 8e Axiomatic.  
KARKAT: HIS BOW IS SOME KIND OF PHILOSOPHICAL STARTING POINT FOR LOGIC? WHAT?  
VRISKA: It means his 8ow is magically lawful-aligned. It does a bunch of extra damage to chaotic characters.  
GAMZEE: I dOn'T lIkE iT. :o(  
VRISKA: Yeah well thems the 8reaks.  
JOHN: acrimony comes charging into the fight. kanaya, its your turn  
KANAYA: Acrimony User Her Barbarian Rage Ability And Attacks  
KANAYA: Oops  
VRISKA: Kanaya that w8s not the time to 8otch your roll!  
KANAYA: I Did Not Intend To Roll A One It Was An Accident  
VRISKA: No shit!  
JOHN: vriska are you still climbing?  
VRISKA: Yes!  
JOHN: okay you will join the fight in the next round.  
KARKAT: BY THE WAY, WHEN WILL BROFIST AND NOOKSTUFFER ARRIVE?  
DAVE: ten million years give or take an eon  
KARKAT: YOU'RE RIGHT, DAVE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WAS ASKING, AND YES, I WOULD LIKE TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SPOON, FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.  
DAVE: what  
JOHN: so at this point elanis has the bard on one side and the barbarian on the other. you pretty much have him in a position where he can not use his bow effectively so he drops it and draws a longsword instead  
KARKAT: OH, HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT THAT HE HAD THAT.  
JOHN: he then attacks kanaya with a 16  
KANAYA: That Is Not Even Close  
JOHN: he does not seem worried. it is gamzees turn now.  
GAMZEE: SwInG aGaIn  
KANAYA: Gamzee Have You Been Only Making One Attack Per Round  
GAMZEE: YeAh AnD tHeYvE bEeN gEtTiNg BeTtEr ThAt DiCe SaYs 14 ThIs TiMe  
JOHN: miss.  
KANAYA: If You Dont Move On Your Turn You Can Make A Full Attack And Attempt Two Attacks  
GAMZEE: ThAtS wIcKeD  
GAMZEE: i RoLlEd A 2 tHaT tImE i ThInK tHe FaYgO pLaStIc MoThErFuCkErS aReNt LiKiNg Me AlL tHaT vErY mUcH  
KARKAT: I CAN SEE THAT FROM HERE, THAT'S A 20 YOU MORON. YOU ACTUALLY ROLLED A CRITICAL.  
GAMZEE: hElLz To ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg YeAh I dId  
GAMZEE: SoMeOnE hElP mE wItH tHe NuMbErS i FoRgEt HoW tHiS wOrKs AgAiN  
DAVE: ill do your math again dont worry  
GAMZEE: tHe TeN sIdEd DiAmOnD sHaPeD mOtHeRfUcKeR sAyS 9  
DAVE: so he does 51 damage  
KARKAT: GOOD LORD, I FORGOT HOW MUCH DAMAGE HE DOES WHEN ACTUALLY MANAGES TO HIT SOMETHING.  
GAMZEE: i CaN't PiCk ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR oFf ThE tAbLe  
DAVE: his d10 is stuck  
GAMZEE: So CaN i LoOt ThE mOtHeRfUcKeR's BoDy?  
JOHN: what? your attack hurt him but it was not a one hit kill.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: HOW. HE JUST HIT HIM FOR NEARLY AS MUCH DAMAGE AS MY SPELL THAT KILLED THAT BANDIT SORCERESS INSTANTLY.  
JOHN: you hurt him but he is still alive and kicking  
DAVE: guys i think this elf might be more powerful than us  
DAVE: also  
DAVE: why was he even attacking us what did we do  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK HIM NICELY. OH WAIT, I'M PLAYING WITH YOU PEOPLE. NEVERMIND.  
KANAYA: I Believe My Turn Was Next  
JOHN: yes. also vriska is right behind you about to join the fight  
KANAYA: Even Though Gamzee Is Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties With His Dice I Believe He Is Still Flanking The Enemy With Me  
JOHN: yeah definitely  
KANAYA: Acrimony Will Make A Full Attack And Hopefully Finish Off The Archer Turned Swordsman  
KANAYA: I Rolled Another One  
VRISKA: Goddammit fussyfangs! You were 8etter off just healing me!  
KANAYA: I Will Attempt A Second Attack  
KANAYA: That Is A Three On The Die  
KANAYA: My Total Is Fourteen  
JOHN: yeah sorry you do not hit  
KANAYA: I Would Like A Different D20 Please  
KARKAT: HERE, TAKE MINE, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE NEEDING IT.  
KANAYA: Thank You  
JOHN: and at this point vriska joins the fight  
VRISKA: From my vantage point in the 8oughs does the enemy see me?  
JOHN: he does not  
VRISKA: I study my target for a death attack.  
VRISKA: This 8astard thinks he's so cool. He's not! Without his stalking and am8ush tactics he's just a shitty swordsman hiding in the shitty woods!  
JOHN: here is what it looks like at the top of the round. elanis has dropped his bow and is using a longsword. he is being flanked by the bard and the barbarian and has not noticed vriska up in the trees studying him for a death attack. meanwhile dave and karkat are three rounds away.  
KARKAT: OKAY I CAN SEE WHY SPLITTING UP IS GENERALLY AVOIDED IN THIS GAME. FROM THE WAY THEY MEASURE TURN-BASED TIME IT TAKES FUCKING FOREVER TO GET EVERYONE BACK TOGETHER.  
DAVE: just be glad were not all in separate rooms in a dungeon  
DAVE: thats a classic gygax era dm bs invite tpk mistake  
KARKAT: STRIDER WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF COMMENTING ON WHAT I SAY WHEN HALF THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS COMPLETE GIBBERISH? YOU TALKING IS LIKE THE VERBAL EQUIVALENT OF SOMEONE SMASHING THEIR FACE ON THE KEYBOARD EVERY FIFTH OR SIXTH LETTER. I THINK YOU'RE ACTUALLY WORSE THAN GAMZEE!  
DAVE: dude dont compare me to the clown i got nothing on him  
DAVE: gamzees like if every shitty running joke there ever was came together and had a baby and that baby went to clown school and became a rapper or something  
DAVE: hes like some kind of zen of horse shit  
DAVE: buddha would use him to fertilize his garden  
GAMZEE: HoNk  
DAVE: yeah man i couldnt agree with you more  
DAVE: you always know just what to say youre like the anti karkat  
KARKAT: CAN WE PLEASE JUST FINISH THIS FUCKING FIGHT?  
JOHN: i need everyone to roll a listen check for me. tell me if you get a 20 or higher.  
VRISKA: Nope.  
DAVE: nah  
KANAYA: No  
KARKAT: HANG ON, KANAYA HAS MY D20. I GUESS I'LL JUST USE HERS.  
KANAYA: I Would Not Recommend That Die It Has Not Been Performing Well  
KARKAT: KANAYA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THAT. DON'T BE SUPERSTITIOUS. IT'S A LUMP OF PLASTIC USED TO GENERATE PSEUDO-RANDOM NUMBERS. IT'S NOT "PERFORMING" IN ANY WAY BECAUSE IT'S JUST PLASTIC!  
KARKAT: SEE, THE DIE ROLLED A 15.  
JOHN: is your total more than 20?  
KARKAT: NO, NOOKSTUFFER IS SADLY UNABLE TO HEAR JACK SHIT BECAUSE THIS GAME DECIDED THAT "LISTENING" IS A FUCKING SKILL, AND IT'S NOT A SKILL THAT CLERICS GET.  
JOHN: haha. okay so nobody hears anything suspicious approaching. on the archers turn he will make a full attack with his longsword against kanaya . does a 23 hit you?  
KANAYA: It Does  
JOHN: and how about 21  
KANAYA: Yes  
JOHN: and the last one is an 11 so that misses. you take 13 damage total.  
KARKAT: WAIT. HE MADE THREE ATTACKS? HOW DID HE DO THAT?  
JOHN: you know how you can make multiple attacks if you do not move? at higher levels you get to make three or sometimes even four.  
KARKAT: WHAT FUCKING LEVEL IS THIS GUY?  
KANAYA: I Believe He Would Have To Be A Minimum Of Level Eleven Assuming He Is A Ranger  
JOHN: kanaya stop metagaming!  
KANAYA: I Am Sorry I Will Try To Restrict My Tactical Information To Only That Which Is Available To My Character In The Game  
DAVE: aw shit now were really screwed we lost our duly appointed representative of the lalonde encyclopedia of dnd  
KANAYA: Perhaps We Should Invite Her To Our Next Session  
DAVE: no!  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: just trust me on this we tried it and it was kind of fun but it was mostly just awkward  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: you know when you really like a game and you invite your friend over to play it with you  
DAVE: and then you find out hes been to pro tournaments and he completely destroys your ass with tactics you dont even understand and hes basically not even playing the same game as you  
DAVE: its kind of like that except this is a roleplaying game and its not supposed to be possible to be good at it because its not a game you can win or lose  
KANAYA: Interesting  
JOHN: kanaya it is your turn  
KANAYA: Let Us See If Karkats Die Will Perform As Well For Me As Mine Did For Him  
KANAYA: My Total Is 35  
JOHN: holy shit.  
GAMZEE: ThAtS a BiG mOtHeRfUcKiNg NuMbEr  
KANAYA: I Assume From Your Reactiom That My Attack Hits  
JOHN: uh. yeah you only needed to get 22 or better.  
KANAYA: I Do Eleven Damage To Him  
VRISKA: You rolled a 1 on the damage after an attack roll like that! What's wrong with you?!  
KARKAT: SHE ROLLED A 1 AND GOT 11?  
DAVE: yeah she adds a lot of shit from being an angry barbarian  
GAMZEE: If HeR mAgIc PlAsTiC sAyS 20 wHaT dOeS hEr DaMaGe Be DoInG cOmPaReD tO mInE?  
KANAYA: If I Roll A Critical Hit While I Am In A Barbarian Rage And Then Roll Maximum Damage On The Die My Total Would Be 66  
GAMZEE: wHaTs ThE mOsT i CaN dO?  
DAVE: uh... 54 i think  
DAVE: i can barely read your character sheet and none of your shit is in the right place  
KARKAT: WELCOME TO FRIENDSHIP WITH GAMZEE 101. LESSION #1: NEVER READ ANYTHING HE WRITES. EVER.  
GAMZEE: :o(  
KANAYA: For My Second Attack I Rolled Poorly Again And Do No Hit  
JOHN: gamzees turn  
GAMZEE: ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg DiCe Is StIlL mOtHeRfUcKiNg StUcK tO tHe MoThErFuCkInG tAbLe  
Karkat: YOU DON'T NEED YOUR D10 TO ATTACK, JUST ROLL THE D20. YOU ONLY NEED THE D10 ON THE 5% CHANCE THAT YOU HIT.  
GAMZEE: AlL oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg DiCe HaVe MoThErFuCkInG gOtTeN sTuCk  
GAMZEE: JuSt Go On WiThOuT mE bRoS i ThInK yOu GoT tHiS  
KARKAT: WOW, STICKY SODA DICE ARE SHITTY AND INCONVENIENT? WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?  
VRISKA: Yeah I thought they were kind of cool looking 8ut they're clearly just impractical.  
JOHN: vriska, you're up.  
VRISKA: Still hiding in the trees! still studying my target!  
JOHN: alright. at this point everyone except for dave and karkat can hear a crashing sound coming towards you. the noise echoes through the trees and its hard to tell exactly where its coming from but it seems to be coming from the direction opposite of the camp.  
DAVE: uh crashing like one dude lost and stumbling through branches and shit  
DAVE: or crashing like ancient green dragon coming to murder everything  
JOHN: hard to tell but closer to the second one than the first.  
GAMZEE: uH oH  
KANAYA: Does Elanis Seem Concerned By This Sound  
JOHN: nope. hes actually grinning.  
DAVE: dudes run  
VRISKA: What!  
DAVE: high level dude who said he was a protector of the forest whistled and summoned something nasty  
DAVE: whatever that is we dont wanna fight it  
KARKAT: I THINK I AGREE WITH STRIDER BUT AT THIS POINT I SERIOUSLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS GUY'S PROBLEM IS WITH US. WE KILLED THE BANDITS AND HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ELSE TO HIS FOREST. I WAS SERIOUSLY EXPECTING THAT FIREBALL FROM BEFORE TO SET FIRE TO THE TREES OR SOMETHING BUT WE EVEN MANAGED TO AVOID THAT.  
KANAYA: Perhaps He Is Simply Hostile To Outsiders As A Default  
VRISKA: May8e he's just a 8astard!  
KARKAT: WELL EITHER WAY NOOKSTUFFER AND BROFIST AREN'T THERE YET. YOUR CALL WHETHER YOU WANT TO KEEP ATTACKING THE GUY OR RUN AWAY BEFORE HIS MONSTER SHOWS UP.  
KANAYA: I Think A Tactical Retreat May Be Advisable  
VRISKA: No w8y! One more round and I can death attack this guy!  
KANAYA: The Success Of Your Death Attack Is Not A Total Certainty  
VRISKA: The odds are in my favor! Death from a8ove! Plus, I'm not a8out to let this guy get away after he almost killed me!  
GAMZEE: i ThInK i'M gOnNa RuN mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg AsS aWaY.  
GAMZEE: wHoSe MoVe Is It?  
JOHN: its the elf's turn. he holds off on attacking and just holds a defensive posture like hes waiting to see what you are going to do  
KANAYA: Acrimony Will Disengage And Slowly Back Away From Him  
JOHN: he does not try to stop you  
GAMZEE: I tHiNk Me AnD mY sIs RuN tHe MoThErFuCk AwAy FrOm ThE mOnStEr AnD aLl ItS cRaShInG nOiSeS  
KANAYA: Yes We Do That  
VRISKA: You fucking cowards!!!!!!!!  
JOHN: well vriska its your turn. elanis still has not spotted you.  
VRISKA: I have to spend this round studying my target 8efore I can do the death attack. Next turn I can assassin8!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK, HOW MUCH TIME IS IN ONE ROUND?  
DAVE: for us roughly 5 minutes worth of of arguing and fucking with the dice  
KARKAT: I MEANT IN-UNIVERSE TIME YOU JACKASS.  
JOHN: one round of everyone taking their turn is six seconds.  
KANAYA: So If Eldon And Acrimony Are Running Away From The Monster I Believe We Will Cross Paths With Brofist And Nookstuffer This Round  
JOHN: yes  
DAVE: we all heard the monster right  
JOHN: yeah  
DAVE: then lets all run like hell  
VRISKA: Fine! I don't want your 8ackup anyway!  
KARKAT: WHILE NOOKSTUFFER HAS NO IDEA THAT VRISKA IS HIDING UP IN THE TREES TO TRY TO ASSASSINATE SOMEONE WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN US, I CAN'T IMAGINE NOKSTUFFER'S INTELLIGENCE IS SO LOW THAT HE FUCKS UP A HEADCOUNT AND DOESN'T NOTICE WE'RE MISING SOMEONE. SO I ASK ACRIMONY WHERE VRISKA IS.  
KANAYA: Um  
VRISKA: You're going to convince him to come 8ack for me right?  
KANAYA: It Is Just That  
KANAYA: Acrimony Ran Ahead Of Vriska While She Was In The Trees  
KANAYA: And Then Vriska Continued To Hide While She Approached The Enemy  
KANAYA: Acrimony Has No Idea Where Vriska Is  
VRISKA: WH8T!  
JOHN: vriska, it's your turn. elanis is still standing where he was and the crashing sound is gettng very close. you can see a large dark shape moving through the trees that looks like some kind of huge furry animal or magical beast.  
VRISKA: Ain't nothing I can do a8out the 8east right this second. Gotta take out the priority target. I leap from the trees down onto the elf. Sneak attack!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: ........  
KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU ROLL?  
VRISKA: ........  
VRISKA: I critic8lly f8iled.  
KANAYA: She Rolled A One On The Die  
JOHN: your attack misses  
VRISKA: No sh8t!  
JOHN: and um. now that elanis sees you, he's going to attack you. does a 22 hit?  
VRISKA: Y8s!  
JOHN: you take 8 damage.  
VRISKA: I'm in the negatives you guys! A little help would 8e appreciated!  
KARKAT: HE'S NOT DONE. HE GETS TO MAKE THREE ATTACKS, REMEMBER?  
JOHN: um. his second attack is a 12. the third one is 9. he misses.  
KANAYA: I Do Not Wish To Contradict The Dungeon Master But If Vriska Is At Negative Hit Points She Is Unconscious And Helpless Which Means Every Attack Is An Automatic Hit  
VRISKA: Wh8se s8de 8re y8u 8n?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
JOHN: yeah she is technically right. you are unconscious unable to defend yourself.  
KARKAT: ROLL DAMAGE EGBERT. JUST GET IT OVER WITH.  
JOHN: first hit does... 5 damage. and the second does... 7.  
KANAYA: That Would Put Her Below Negative Ten  
VRISKA: ::::\  
VRISKA: This game is stupid. So l8me!  
VRISKA: I've got 8etter things to do with my time. I'm going to go do something cool.  
VRISKA: Sayonara 8itches!  
GAMZEE: wOaH sIs WaTcH tHe ElIxEr If YoUrE gOnNaBe GeTtInG uP fRoM tHe TaBlE aLl LiKe ThAt  
VRISKA: F8CK Y8R F8GO 8ND F8CK Y8R STUP8D USEL8SS D8CE!!!!!!!!  
GAMZEE: WhAt WhAt ThE hElL gIvE mE bAcK tHe DiCe  
KARKAT: DON'T THROW THEM AT THE FUCKING WALL YOU LUNATIC!  
GAMZEE: ShE mOtHeRfUcKiN bRoKe ThEm :o(  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: i guess those dice really did have soda inside of them

To be continued...  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! The most recent Paradox Space comic (as of this writing) is five pages of Homestuck DnD! No relation to my fic, of course. I didn't much care for it - it was four pages of starting an adventure and then everyone decides to go do something else instead. As someone who's really into tabletop gaming, having the characters from my favorite webcomic decide "Meh, fuck it" feels pretty disappointing, and also kind of strangely insulting? But at the same time I understand that Paradox Space comics are made under, let's say "certain constraints," and you can't really expect them to cram a whole session into there.
> 
> If you like what you've read here, and you or someone you know was excited by the prospect of Homestuck character playing a tabletop game, spread the word! My fic and I thrive on you and your comments. ::::)


	4. Two Heads Are Better Than Gamzee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska has stormed off, and Gamzee has wandered away again, but the game must continue.

Karkat: ONCE AGAIN WE ARE WAITING ON GAMZEE BEFORE WE CAN CONTINUE.  
Kanaya: It Is Not His Fault That Vriska Threw His Dice At The Wall So Hard That They Shattered  
Karkat: WHILE THAT MAY BE TRUE, IT'S GAMZEE'S FAULT FOR USING THAT RIDICULOUS FAYGO DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND I GUESS IT'S ALSO MY FAULT FOR EXPECTING HIM TO REALIZE THAT THEY WERE A BAD IDEA.  
Dave: in hindsight soda is a pretty shitty thing to make dice out of  
John: i thought they looked cool! apart from being sticky and gross.  
Karkat: YOU'RE EASILY AMUSED. AND CHILDISH. AND I HATE YOU. WE ALREADY HAVE MORE SETS OF DICE THAN WE HAVE PEOPLE TO PLAY, AND WE STILL HAVE THE DICE GAMZEE WAS USING BEFORE. HE LIKED THAT RAINBOW COLORED D20. LET'S JUST MAKE HIM A SET LIKE THAT.  
Dave: little late for that  
Karkat: I'M SORRY, I FORGOT IT WAS MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY TO REIGN IN THE FUCKING CLOWN BEFORE HE WANDERS OFF TO DO SOMETHING RETARDED.   
Dave: how could you forget that you complain about it constantly  
Dave: along with like  
Dave: well basically everything i guess  
Karkat: RAISING COMPLAINTS IS HOW I DEMONSTRATE MY RELATIVE LEVEL OF LOATHING FOR THINGS. IT GENERALLY WORKS ON A SLIDING SCALE FROM "WISH IT WOULD GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND TRAMPLED BY A HERD OF MUSCLEBEASTS" TO "MAKES ME WANT TO SWALLOW MY OWN ENTRAILS TO CREATE A MOBIUS LOOP THAT CUTS MY TORSO IN HALF."  
Dave: i cant tell which of those is high and which is low  
Dave: also whats a musclebeast  
Karkat: WAIT, LET ME TAKE A PAGE OUT OF YOUR BOOK, STRIDER.  
Karkat: "IT'S LIKE A BEAST. BUT WITH MORE MUSCLES."  
Karkat: THERE, DID I DO IT RIGHT?  
Kanaya: Ha  
Kanaya: That Was Actually A Rather Humorous Approximation  
Dave: yeah ten points and a gold star for you  
Dave: hey why dont you do john next  
Karkat: WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF? I AM NOT AN IMPRESSIONIST HERE TO AMUSE YOU.  
Dave: couldve fooled me  
Dave: here let me do you  
Dave: BULGE STEM. FUCK.   
Karkat: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A BULGE STEM IS?  
Dave: I DONT HAVE TIME TO KNOW WHAT THINGS ARE. FUCK. MY FRIENDS PISS ME OFF. FUCK. I LIKE HEARING MYSELF TALK. FUCK.  
Karkat: WHY ARE YOU SAYING FUCK AFTER EVERY SENTENCE LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF TELEGRAPH MESSAGE?  
Dave: shut up im not done i have to ramble unintelligibly  
Dave: AAAAAAAAGH FUCK FUCK. ANGER RAGE. METAPHORS FOR GAY SEX. ALIEN GAY SEX BODY PARTS FUCK. GAY SEX FUCK.  
Dave: okay i have to stop that got really gay really fast  
John: apart from being nonsense, you did kind of get the inflection right.  
Karkat: EGBERT, HE DOES NOT NEED YOU FUCKING HELP.  
Kanaya: I Find It Somewhat Distressing That Our Human Friends Knowledge Of Troll Anatomy Is Based Solely Upon Karkats Use Of Profanity  
Dave: yeah based on what karkat says im pretty sure you guys have like fifty different terms for wang  
Dave: or fifty different types of wang  
Dave: trolls only have two genders right  
Dave: you don't have like fifty or something?  
Karkat: WOW, THIS CONVERSATION IS FUCKING DONE.   
Terezi: H3H3H3H3  
Karkat: OH GOD, DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT?  
John: someone's in the hall outside. is gamzee back?  
Dave: hey if youre gonna loiter outside at least have the decency to open the door and crash the party  
Dave: were having a very important conversation about troll wang and i wont have it interrupted in a halfass way  
Kanaya: That Is Not What We Were Discussing  
Karkat: TEREZI I HEAR YOU FUCKING LAUGHING, JUST OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!  
Terezi: OH MY GOD D4V3 WH4T IS YOUR OBS3SS1ON WITH TROLL W4NG??  
Rose: This is an ongoing and well established Freudian obsession of his. And hello, everyone.  
Dave: nope go away rose this table is the officially sanctioned gaming table and you arent allowed onto the sports pitch  
Dave: you received your red card at the two minute warning and were ejected from the penalty box for travelling  
John: dave even i know you're fucking up your sports metaphors there.  
Kanaya: Hello Rose Hello Terezi Would Either Of You Like To Play With Us  
Terezi: 1 H34RD SCR34M1NG 4ND K4RK4T COMPL41NING, TH3N VR1K4 STORM3D DOWN TH3 H4LL R4NT1NG TO H3RS3LF 4BOUT V3NG3NC3  
Terezi: 1T SOUND3D L1K3 FUN. >:]  
Karkat: TO NOBODY'S SURPRISE, VRISKA HAD POOR TEAMWORK AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS.  
Rose: I take it her behavior resulted in her character's violent death? It wouldn't be the first time such a thing has happened.  
Kanaya: She Split The Party  
Rose: My goodness. One should never split the party.  
John: she also ruined gamzee's dice. which is probably a good thing because they were all sticky.  
Terezi: DO 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY G4MZ33 H4D ST1CKY D1C3??  
Kanaya: It Is Not What It Sounds Like  
Karkat: IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE STUPID.  
Dave: excuse me can i interject  
Karkat: PLEASE DON'T?  
Dave: tz i dont have a problem with  
Dave: but rose  
Dave: god damn it john do you remember why we banned her from the table originally  
Dave: please dont tell me you forgot the campaign with the slaads  
Karkat: DID YOU JUST MISPRONOUNCE SALAD, OR IS THAT SOME KIND OF GAME TERM?  
Dave: a slaad is a demon frog thing  
Dave: do trolls even have salad  
Terezi: WHY WOULDN'T W3 H4V3 S4L4D?  
Karkat: TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, YOU'RE BETTER OFF JUST IGNORING HIM ANY TIME HE ASKS A QUESTION ABOUT...  
Karkat: WELL I GUESS PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.  
Karkat: HOLY FUCK STRIDER, WHY ARE YOU SO TERRIBLE?  
Dave: talk to rose if you want an in depth analysis of my psyche youll basically get one whether you ask for it or not  
Rose: I have extensive notes on the subject.  
Dave: john  
Dave: no john come on man i know that look youre considering letting her back in  
Dave: dont do it john please  
John: oh come on that was one time!  
Dave: what about the thing with the copper dragons secret treasure chamber  
John: that was a fluke of weird dice rolls!  
Terezi: TH1S G4M3 H4S DR4GONS M4D3 OF COPP3R >:?  
Rose: There are no less than five major species of Dragon with scales the color of metals containing copper, or from the copper group.  
Terezi: WHY COPP3R  
Rose: I have no idea. I assume a writer from back in the 70's had an obsession with shiny lizard things.  
Dave: what about the time we fought the tarrasque and her level 3 hireling killed the thing entirely on its own  
John: that was a high level game and you were all doing weird shit like that!  
Dave: john  
Dave: do you remember the kobold  
John: what kobold?  
Rose: Are you referring to the Kobold named Pun-Pun? That character is an internet thought experiment and is never intended for actual play.  
Dave: no im not just talking about the kobold who can cast every spell and and has infinte stats and hp  
Dave: that shit is low tier  
Dave: im talking about a different kobold  
Dave: you know which kobold i mean rose  
Rose: ....oh.  
Rose: You mean Twizzler the Red.  
Dave: yes i mean twizzler the fucking red  
Rose: I will admit that Twizzler the Red got a little bit out of hand.  
Karkat: DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS?  
Dave: no  
John: no.  
Rose: I suspect you would wish I hadn't told you.  
Karkat: OKAY GOOD.  
John: okay i get it. rose, i'm sorry, but we banned you for a reason.  
Rose: I understand. In truth Terezi and I only came to investigate when we heard what sounded like shouted conversations about battle.  
Terezi: I'M 3MB4RR4SS3D TO 4DM1T 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S 4N 4CTU4L B4TTLE 4T F1RST  
Terezi: TURNS OUT 1T W4S JUST K4RK4T B31NG LOUD 4BOUT NOTH1NG 4S USU4L  
Karkat: ARE YOU GIVING ME SHIT FOR GETTING TOO INVESTED IN A FANTASY GAME? YOU, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE?  
Rose: Your "investment" was so loud, you fooled two seers into thinking you were in mortal peril.  
Karkat: WELL FORGIVE ME FOR NOT EXPECTING ONE OF MY ACQUAINTANCES TO BE CONCERNED FOR MY WELL BEING. IT'S NOT SOMETHING I'M ACCUSTOMED TO.  
John: since we're waiting on gamzee and he's probably going to be a while, do you want to run his character?  
Dave: john you just agreed rose was banned  
John: i was talking to terezi!  
Dave: oh my bad  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW, 1T S33MS K1ND OF W33N13  
Karkat: IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THAT FLARP HORSESHIT YOU USED TO PLAY WITH TAVROS. EXCEPT WITHOUT MURDERING OR CRIPPLING OTHER PLAYERS.  
Kanaya: And There Is A Great Deal Of Die Rolling  
Terezi: D3F1N1T3LY SOUNDS W33N13  
Dave: its more fun than it sounds trust me  
Dave: first time rose and john dragged me into this i was like "nah man i aint got time for this shit"  
Dave: and then i broke my dice hymen and it was incredible  
Rose: That's a colorful way of putting it.  
John: dave, gross.  
Terezi: WH4T 1S A D1C3 HYM3N? >:?  
Karkat: ANY TIME DAVE MENTIONS SOMETHING AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME THAT IT'S SLANG FOR MALE HUMAN GENITALIA.  
Rose: You are two thirds correct.  
Karkat: AND I'D PREFER TO REMAIN IGNORANT ABOUT THE OTHER THIRD, THANKS.  
Karkat: TEREZI, EITHER JOIN THE GAME OR FUCK OFF. I COULD CARE LESS.  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW HOW TH3 RUL3S WORK THOUGH  
Rose: I could help you with that, if John and Dave will allow me to stay.  
John: dave, is rose sticking around to help terezi an acceptable compromise?  
Dave: ha ha if tz is playing gamzees mess of a character shes going to need all the help she can get  
Dave: im cool with it  
Terezi: TH4T DO3SNT F1LL M3 W1TH CONF1D4NCE  
Rose: Let's see what we have to work with here.  
Karkat: IF YOU CAN READ HIS HANDWRITING, YOU'RE HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE AT THIS TABLE, INCLUDING HIM.  
Rose: Eldon Greenbottle. Halfling Bard. Looks like he has something of a scattershot approach to his skills.  
Kanaya: He Uses A Dwarven Waraxe With No Proficiency And Not Much Strength  
Terezi: 1S 1T NORM4L FOR 4 B4RD TO US3 4 W4R4X3?  
Dave: is gamzee normal  
Rose: I can work with this. Considering that this character is now being played by two people instead of one, I hope John will begrudge Terezi some deviation from previous characterization and not penalize Eldon for roleplaying out of character?  
John: well yeah.  
Dave: especially since tz wasnt here for gamzees shenanigans  
Kanaya: Are We Ready To Begin Then  
Karkat: IF WE'RE DOING THIS THEN LET'S JUST FUCKING DO IT.  
  
\---  
  
John: when we last left our heroes the party was running.  
Rose: I always like an adventure that begins en medias res.  
Dave: in your what  
Rose: It's Latin. It means, "in the midst of things."  
Terezi: WH4T 4R3 W3 RUNN1NG FROM  
Kanaya: We Went Into The Woods To Deal With Some Bandits And Met A Mysterious Elven Ally Who Then Attacked Us  
Karkat: HE CALLED A GIANT MONSTER AND VRISKA WAS TOO DUMB TO ABSCOND. THE REST OF US RAN.  
Terezi: COW4RDS  
Dave: the elf guy was way more powerful than us  
Dave: also yes  
John: the party eventually makes it to the edge of the woods with no further signs of the elf or his giant monster following you.  
Karkat: WHO'S HURT?   
Terezi: WH3R3'S THE H34LTH V14L ON TH1S SH33T  
Rose: This game uses hit points. Please bear with me while I try to decipher how many Gamzee has.  
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Seriously Hurt But She Has Taken Some Damage  
Karkat: CURE MODERATE WOUNDS FOR 16 DAMAGE. HOW ABOUT YOU, TEREZI?  
Rose: She has taken, and I quote mister Makara here, "mother fucking ten," followed by some question marks and what looks like a crude drawing of what is either a phallus or a bicycle horn.  
Terezi: 1 TH1NK 1T M1GHT B3 BOTH  
Rose: I think you might be right.  
Karkat: I CAN HEAL THE DAMAGE. I CAN'T HEAL YOUR THINKPAN'S EXPOSURE TO GAMZEE'S THOUGHT PROCESS.  
Terezi: OOOHHH NOOOO >:P  
Karkat: HEAL 11 DAMAGE. ARE WE GOOD TO GO NOW?   
Dave: where are we going anyway  
Karkat: FIRST, AWAY FROM THE WOODS. SECOND, THERE'S A TOWN THAT OWES US MONEY.   
Dave: did vriska have life insurance  
Dave: if so i call dibs  
Rose: I sincerely doubt you would be able to claim that money.  
John: these are medieval times, there is no life insurance.  
Dave: id make a crack about medieval times being lame as hell but im holding a d20 and im playing a sorcerer  
Dave: kind of have no place to talk  
Karkat: YOU ALWAYS FIND A REASON TO TALK.  
Rose: The concept of insurance actually dates back to the ancient Romans, and existed during the medieval period.  
John: yeah, but the romans didn't have dragons and wizards. history is different. there's no life insurance.  
Rose: Fair enough.  
Terezi: PL34S3 T3LL M3 YOU GUYS 4T L34ST LOOT3D THE BODY?  
Dave: wasnt an option  
Dave: we were busy being cowards and vriska stayed behind  
Dave: not like we were going to circle back to take any of the loot she stole and didn't tell us about  
Terezi: UGH YOU GUYS 4RE TH3 WORST P4RTY 3V3R!!  
Rose: You should be ashamed of yourself for not looting every scrap of slightly useful equipment from a dead teammate. What would Vriska think?  
Karkat: HERE'S A THOUGHT. LET'S NOT DESECRATE THE DEAD.   
Kanaya: I Thought Your Character Did Not Like Her Character  
Karkat: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN LESS? DEAD TEAM MATES. YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE EVEN LESS THAN THAT?  
Dave: everything?  
Karkat: DEAD TEAMMATES BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT. I MEAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE, HOW HARD IS IT TO SHOW THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DECENCY TOWARDS SOMEONE WHO'S IN THE ONLY POSITION WHERE THEY CAN'T FUCK YOU OVER ANYMORE?  
Rose: There are actually a multitude of ways a dead character could still cause trouble. Necromancy comes to mind.  
Karkat: THAT CAN HAPPEN?  
John: I'm not bringing vriska's character back as a zombie so you can just forget about that.  
Terezi: L4ME  
Karkat: SO AS I SUGGESTED, LET'S GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THESE WOODS.  
Kanaya: Are We On The Road  
John: no but you know it's a little ways to the south of you. if you just move in a straight line you'll find it.  
Dave: and more hydras hopefully  
Terezi: WH4TS 4 HYDR4  
Dave: oh man youll love them theyre right up your alley  
Dave: they have a sick sense of smell and a mouth full of way too many fucking teeth  
Kanaya: We Encountered One In The Wild And Defeated It With Some Difficulty  
John: the party travels for a little while and makes it back to the main road. however it's late in the afternoon and the sun will be setting soon.  
Karkat: GREAT. CAMPING.  
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4 LOT OF C4MP1NG 1N TH1S G4M3?  
Dave: tons  
Kanaya: Since The Party Is Down A Member We May Need To Adjust Our Watch  
Karkat: THREE OF US HAVE TO REST TO GET OUR SPELLS BACK. HOW'S THIS GOING TO WORK?  
Dave: oh man were going to have to do math  
Terezi: W41T, THR33? G4MZ33 H4S SP3LLS?  
Rose: A Bard can do many things, including some magic.  
Terezi: OK4Y BUT WH4T 4R3 TH3 ODDS TH4T G4MZ33 4CTU4LLY KN3W HOW 1T WORKED  
Rose: Rather low, I imagine.  
Kanaya: His Performance Has Been Unpredictable But Surprisingly Effective At Times  
Terezi: L3TS JUST 4SSUM3 G4MZ33 W1LL B3 4S US3FUL W1TH SL33P 4S H3 1S W1THOUT  
Kanaya: That Is Probably A Fair Assumption  
Dave: word  
Terezi: 1'LL T4K3 F1RST W4TCH TH3N  
Kanaya: And Acrimony Will Take Second  
Karkat: GREAT. LET'S SET UP CAMP AND PREPARE FOR WHATEVER EGBERT THROWS AT US TONIGHT.  
John: hey you don't know you're about to be attacked!  
Karkat: YOU'RE HOLDING THE FUCKING MONSTER MANUAL.  
Rose: You could possibly have approached that in a more surreptitious way, John.  
John: for your information, i was looking up something completely different!  
Terezi: SUR3 YOU W3R3  
John: i'm going to have to put book covers on these or something so you guys don't know what i'm doing over here.  
Karkat: I NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING, EGBERT. THE ONLY ONE MORE OBTUSE THAN YOU IS STRIDER.  
Karkat: FUCK! TEREZI, WHAT DID YOU KICK ME FOR?  
Terezi: NOTH1NG >:\  
Rose: John, if you would prefer, I do have the majority of the DnD game books in digital form.  
John: thanks rose but I prefer the hard copy.  
Rose: I prefer them as well, but there is a certain point where dredging a large tome from a massive stockpile of hardbound game manuals becomes a giant pain in the ass. Digital copies also allow you surreptitiously check a book without certain players being able to tell what you're up to.  
Terezi: C3RT41N PL4Y3RS  
Dave: filthy cheaters  
Rose: One could argue that it's technically impossible to cheat at a game based on imagination.  
Dave: you would say that wouldnt you  
Dave: you and your imaginary shenanigans  
Rose: Whatever it is you're accusing me of, I would love to hear all about it.  
Dave: oh god nevermind  
Dave: forget i said anything  
John: the night passes without any night time attacks.  
Terezi: 1 F1ND 1T SUSP1C1OUS TH4T YOU H4D TO PO1NT TH4T OUT  
Dave: we all do  
John: the party packs up camp and heads back up the road. after not much travel, you see further up the road what looks like a large caravan parked in the road with a cloud of smoke coming out of it.  
Dave: its a trap  
John: does the party approach? or do you go off the road and circle around to avoid them?  
Karkat: WE APPROACH.  
Rose: It could be a bandit honey pot.  
Karkat: IT COULD ALSO BE RANDOM TRAVELERS. DON'T BE PARANOID. WE APPROACH.  
Kanaya: The Smoke Is Suspicious  
Kanaya: I Think We Should Be Cautious  
Karkat: DID I SAY I WAS CHARGING IN, YELLING "HEY EVERYONE, I'M A TRAVELING ADVENTURER, PLEASE SHOVE SHARP THINGS INTO MY ORGANS?" WE APPROACH CAUTIOUSLY.  
Dave: i run towards the caravan yelling "hey everyone im a traveling adventurer"  
Karkat: FUCKING HELL. WHY.  
Dave: because  
Dave: uh  
Dave: yknow what i cant think of a reason and i dont wanna be gamzee  
Karkat: NO ONE WANTS TO BE GAMZEE. GAMZEE IS TERRIBLE.  
Dave: i walk calmly towards the caravan  
Karkat: HOLY FUCK STRIDER IS BEING REASONABLE.  
Terezi: ONLY YOU C4N COMPL41N ABOUT SOM3ON3 B31NG R34SONABLE  
Kanaya: Caution May Be Advisable So I Will Lead The Way In Case This Is Some Manner Of Ambush  
John: the party approaches with kanaya in the lead. as you get closer, you see that there's one large wagon covered with a tarp and several normal sized ones that have moved away from it, giving it a wide berth. there's also a pile of smoking wood behind the covered wagon that looks like it might have been a fancier stage coach, but it's burnt down to almost nothing.  
Karkat: HOW CAN WE TELL IT USED TO BE A FANCY STAGE COACH IF IT'S BURNT DOWN TO ALMOST NOTHING?  
Terezi: SHHH  
John: theres about a dozen people milling around with various minor injuries, and you see two more lying down on cots with more severe injuries bandaged.  
John: you are approached by a fat woman with a beard.  
Kanaya: Come Again  
Dave: oh god its a traveling circus  
Karkat: GOOD, WE FOUND A PLACE TO DUMP GAMZEE'S CHARACTER.  
Terezi: 1M ST1LL US1NG 1T >:]  
Rose: Does the bearded woman appear hostile?  
John: as the party approaches she stands her ground but doesn't attack or anything. she says, "ho there travelers! can you lend us a hand?"  
Dave: john thats not how you do it  
John: thats not how i do what?  
Dave: its a bearded woman john you need to do a silly voice for her  
John: im not doing any silly voices, that's dumb.  
Rose: I was under the impression that you hated clowns, John. Why a traveling circus?  
John: there's a difference between a clown and a harlequin, and this particular traveling circus doesn't have either one.  
Rose: Interesting.  
Dave: rose we all know shrinks just say interesting when they cant think of anything else to say  
Rose: That's apocryphal.  
Terezi: 1S G4MZ33'S CH4R4CT3R 4NY GOOD 4T D1PLOM4NCY  
Kanaya: Eldon Is Not Good At A Lot Of Things  
Karkat: JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.  
Terezi: WHY YOU?  
Karkat: BECAUSE I HAVE THE MOST EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH CLOWNS CONSTRUCTIVELY.  
Kanaya: I Doubt Even You Could Make Gamzee Behave Constructively  
Rose: John said that there were no clowns among this particular group. Absent a face-painted fool to shoosh pap, I question Karkat's effectiveness in this particular situation.  
Karkat: FUCK YOU LALONDE, MY SHOOSH PAPPING IS LEGENDARY. I HAVE LITERALLY SAVED THE LIVES OF MORE RANDOM ASSHOLES WITH A SINGLE SHOOSH PAP THAN YOU HAVE WITH AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF PSYCHO-NONSENSE.  
Rose: I didn't mean to belittle your shooshes, paps, or the lives they have saved. I merely meant to point out that your character...  
Rose: I'm having trouble reading your handwriting from this angle. Your character is named Nookstuffer Bonebulge?  
Terezi: GROSS  
Karkat: DEAL WITH IT.  
Rose: I'm not even sure what action that name is supposed to describe. Anyway, I was pointing out that Nookstuffer has a diplomacy skill of 1. Acrimony's diplomacy is considerably higher.  
Karkat: YEAH, WELL, IT'S A TRAVELING CIRCUS WHO ASKED US FOR HELP AFTER THEY WERE CLEARLY ATTACKED BY SOMETHING TERRIBLE. WE HAVE THE DIPLOMATIC HIGH GROUND AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY, THEY CAN GO WAIT FOR SOME OTHER TRAVELING ASSHOLES TO STUMBLE UPON THEIR SORRY ASSES.  
Dave: wait are you saying karkats not going to use his charisma  
Dave: i am shocked  
Dave: rose put me down as "shocked" in your pschocategorization  
Rose: I don't think that's a thing.  
Dave: bs  
Karkat: I APPROACH THE BEARDED WOMAN. "HELLO WOMAN WITH FACIAL HAIR WHICH I ASSUME IS NOTEWORTHY FOR YOUR GENDER AND SPECIES. I AM THE CLERIC NOOKSTUFFER BONEBULGE AND I SERVE THE GIANT BALL OF FIRE IN THE SKY, WHICH, LIKE MOST DEITIES, YOU CAN'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT WITHOUT GOING BLIND."  
Dave: legit thats some ark of the covenant shit  
Dave: seriously look the fuck away unless you like being a skeleton  
Karkat: THE RAMBLING IDIOT IS BROFIST, SORCERER, AND PROOF THAT THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT HAND OUT MAGICAL POWERS IN ANY WAY THAT IS FAIR OR LOGICAL, NOT THAT WE NEEDED ANY MORE PROOF OF THAT. THE BIZARRELY POLITE BARBARIAN IS ACRIMONY AND THE CLOWN WITH TWO BRAINS CONTROLLING HIM INSTEAD OF THE USUAL ZERO, IS ELDON GREENBOTTLE.  
John: the woman says her name is olga and shes the leader of this troupe.  
Dave: that name is so ridiculously butch   
Rose: Interesting that one of the side show freaks is in charge of this troupe.  
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS H3R TO T3LL US WH4T H4PP3N3D TO TH3 C4R4V4N  
John: she points over to the oversized covered wagon. she says that their star attraction managed to get loose. it was under a magic spell that the ring leader had put on it but the spell wore off early and it used its own magic to set his coach on fire with him trapped inside of it.  
Terezi: TH4TS 4 H3LL OF 4 W4Y TO GO  
Kanaya: What Was This Star Attraction Of Theirs  
Dave: more importantly can it still set shit on fire  
John: she says that although the magic compulsion it was under wore off, it's still chained inside its cage and it can't get out. its magic is limited so its safe as long as you don't get too close.  
Karkat: WOW, THAT'S REASSURING. "DON'T WORRY, GUYS, AS LONG AS YOU STAY AN ARBITRARY AND UNKNOWN DISTANCE AWAY, YOU WON'T CATCH ON FIRE AND DIE HORRIBLY!"  
Terezi: HOW DO3S SH3 KNOW TH4T 1T C4NT G3T OUT  
John: she tells you that it has a silver collar around its neck and the collar is tethered to the floor with a silver chain. silver is its weakness and it can't break the chain or the collar, no matter how strong it is.  
Karkat: WEAKNESS TO SILVER? WHAT KIND OF PANSY-ASS WEAKNESS IS THAT?  
Rose: It's fairly common among Terran mythology. Devils, Werewolves and Vampires are all vulnerable to silver.  
Terezi: V4MP1R3S AR3 L1K3 YOUR HUM4N R41NBOW DR1NK3RS R1GHT?  
Rose: They are similar, but without the rainbows.  
Kanaya: A Terrifying Spectre Without Rainbows Just Seems Wrong  
Karkat: I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY DEVILS? AS IN PLURAL? THERE'S MORE THAN ONE?  
Rose: "Devil" is a lay term that describes Baatezu and other lawful fiends, contrasting the Tanar'ri and the Yugoloth based largely on ideology on the law/chaos axis. There are many varieties.  
Karkat: ALL OF THAT SOUNDED FUCKING TERRIBLE.  
Kanaya: On A Scale Of One To Ten How Much Trouble Are We In If There Is A Devil In The Wagon  
Dave: depending on the type of devil anywhere from 6 to like 60  
Kanaya: Sixty On A Scale Of Ten?  
Dave: you heard me  
Rose: A Devil would definitely be a lot of trouble for this party.  
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS OLG4 3X4CTLY WH4T TYP3 OF CR34TUR3 1S 1N TH3 W4GON  
Dave: please dont be a devil  
John: she says it's a hamatula.  
Terezi: WH4TS TH4T?  
John: it's a devil.  
Dave: fuck  
Kanaya: I Do Not Like The Sound Of That  
Terezi: WH4TS SH3 DO1NG W1TH 4 D3V1L 1N H3R C1RCUS? >:\  
Karkat: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO HELP SOMEBODY WHO'S TRAVELING AROUND WITH A PYROMANIAC DEVIL AND CAN'T EVEN KEEP IT FROM SETTING THEIR LEADER ON FIRE?  
Rose: Clearly these are dark times, when people who cart around a devil have to come to Nookstuffer Bonebulge for help.  
Terezi: 3LDON W4NTS TO KNOW WH4T TH31R C1RCUS 1S DO1NG W1TH 4 D3V1L!  
John: olga says the devil was charmed to behave cooperatively and performed tricks to entertain people and also scared people. their circus was the most thrilling performance in the land.  
Karkat: REAL FUCKING THRILLING NOW THAT THEIR CARAVAN IS BURNT AND THEIR PEOPLE ARE HURT.  
John: She says that she never liked the devil act very much and that it always seemed dangerous. she'd be happy to see it go.  
Kanaya: What Does She Mean By That  
John: she says that the four of you look strong enough to defeat the devil in combat. she can move her people a safe distance away from the devil's cage, and then you can kill it.  
Karkat: I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT A FUCKING DEVIL.  
Rose: Hamatula.  
Dave: whatever  
Karkat: DO YOU REMEMBER THE RANDOM ELF WHO KICKED OUR ASSES? DO YOU REMEMBER THE GIANT MYSTERY MONSTER WE RAN AWAY FROM? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE CAN FIGHT A PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF EVIL, AND NOT DIE HORRIBLY?  
Rose: Well, the party does have a competent and charismatic healer to lead it.  
Karkat: THE COMPETENT AND CHARISMATIC HEALER DOESN'T WANT TO FUCKING LEAD IT.  
Karkat: HE IS BURDENED WITH THE DUTY OF STEERING A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THROUGH A WORLD FULL OF MONSTERS AND MURDERERS.  
Dave: next version of dnd should be called monsters and murderers  
Terezi: WH4T C4N 4 H4M4TUL4 DO 1N 4 F1GHT?  
John: i'm glad you asked! everyone who has the knowledge (religion) skill, please roll it.  
Dave: yeah im not even going to bother  
Dave: brofist is mezmerized by olgas beard  
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Trained In Religion  
Terezi: HOW DO 1 KNOW 1F G4MZ33S C4R4CT3R 1S TR41N3D 1N R3L1G1ON  
Rose: All of the skills are in a column on the right. It looks like... my goodness. Does anyone know what Gamzee was attempting to do with his character sheet? It resembles a Rorschach test more than a character sheet.  
Dave: that indigo scribble is a 7 i think  
Rose: Which indigo scribble?  
Dave: the one that also kinda looks like a faygo bottle  
Dave: next to the one that looks like a clown nose  
Rose: I think Gamzee may unintentionally be an incredibly talented abstract postmodern artist.  
Karkat: I HAVE FIVE BLANK "KNOWLEDGE" SKILLS LISTED ON MY CHARACTER SHEET. ARE ANY OF THOSE RELIGION?  
Rose: When you spent your skill points, you could have picked any of the available knowledge skills. It looks like you put all yours into Heal?  
Karkat: YEAH.  
Rose: Then I'm afraid Nookstuffer is not trained in religion.  
Karkat: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I'M LEVEL 8. I'VE TRAINED WITH ARMOR, MAGIC, AND I GUESS PRAYER SINCE I'M BASICALLY SOME KIND OF PRIEST. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY NOT BE TRAINED IN RELIGION?  
Rose: Because D&D.  
Karkat: FUCK YOU.  
Terezi: TRY1NG TO D3COD3 TH1S 1S M4K1G MY TH1NKP4N HURT, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO L1CK G4MZ33'S CH4RSH33T >:[  
Rose: I don't think any sentient being in paradox space can fault you for that.  
John: thats okay, gamzee is a bard so he has bardic knowledge!  
Kanaya: What Is That  
Rose: In lieu of making a Knowledge check, you can roll and add your level and intelligence to see if you, as a Bard, have picked up any juicy pieces of lore or history about the subject. You should give it a try, since the party's religious leader is lacking in this capacity.  
Karkat: FUCK YOU AGAIN.  
Rose: I think the majority of this group would object to that.  
Dave: wow karkat what a rude gesture  
Dave: watch out guys. karkat is armed with a middle finger and hes not afraid to use it  
Karkat: LALONDE ISN'T THE ONY ONE CAPABLE OF PSYCHOANALYSIS. I'VE DISCOVERED HER WEAKNESS: SHE CAN'T SNARK BACK AGAINST SYMBOLIC GESTURES OF PLATONIC HATRED.  
Rose: You've bypassed my damage reduction. I bow to your strategic acumen.  
Terezi: 1 ROLL3D 23 BY TH3 W4Y  
John: you know that a hamatula is not much bigger than a normal human and physically its not much tougher either. it can teleport and shoot rays of fire and has a few other magical abilities. its entire body is covered in deadly barbs and because of that its nicknamed a barbed devil.  
Karkat: DEVIL BARBS. WONDERFUL. I ASSUME IT INFECTS US WITH SOME KIND OF INFERNAL HELL DISEASE OR SOMETHING?  
Kanaya: What Makes You Say That  
Karkat: BECAUSE WHEN THIS GAME IS TRYING TO BE REASONABLE, IT'S HORRIBLE INSTEAD. WHEN IT'S TRYING TO BE HORRIBLE, IT MANAGES TO BE EVEN WORSE.  
Rose: A Hamatula does not, in fact, inflict disease upon its victims.  
Terezi: WH4TS TH4 3XT3NT OF TH3 D3V1L'S T3L3PORT 4B4L1TY?  
John: you arent sure. you didn't roll high enough.  
Terezi: D4MN  
Dave: looks like were going into this fight blind then  
Terezi: 1 GO 1NTO 3V3RY F1GHT BL1ND >:]  
Dave: yeah well not everyone is as comfortable with that as you are  
Kanaya: Based Upon What Eldon Knows About This Kind Of Devil  
Kanaya: Can We Kill It  
Rose: The Hamatula's ability to teleport concerns me the most. It may go after the civillians.  
Karkat: YES, AND THE LAST THING WE WANT IS FOR THE CIRCUS OF DEVIL WORSHIPERS TO GET HURT.  
Terezi: 1F 1T C4N T3L3PORT, WHY H4SN'T 1T L3FT 1TS C4G3?  
John: olga says that the collar it's wearing keeps it from teleporting.  
Terezi: DO3S TH3 COLL4R DO 4NNYTH1NG 3LS3?  
John: apart from the fact that it's silver and the devil can't remove it, no. the chain attaches to the collar though.  
Karkat: IT SEEMS LIKE IF THIS DEVIL IS TRAPPED IN ITS CAGE, AND IT CAN'T TELEPORT, AND IT'S NOT THAT MUCH TOUGHER THAN A HUMAN, WE CAN KILL IT EASILY.  
Dave: woah karkats being positive  
Karkat: I'M NOT DONE. THIS IS TOO EASY. EGBERT HAS SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE.  
Kanaya: He Is Wearing Short Sleeves  
Karkat: YES THANK YOU FOR THAT INFORMATION.  
Kanaya: I Am Just Trying To Be Helpful  
Dave: you also have to figure these circus folk are probably all con men  
Dave: like for starters olga is probably two fat midgets with a bunch of pubes glued to the top one's face  
Rose: That is a profoundly disturbing mental image.  
Dave: trust me its the tip of the iceberg ive been hanging out with karkat  
Dave: you shouldve heard what he said about spooge earlier  
Rose: I'm sure I would love to hear all about it.  
Terezi: TH3 F4CT OF TH3 M4TT3R 1S, TH1S D3V1L 1S D4NG3ROUS 4ND 1T N33DS TO B3 PUT DOWN B3FOR3 1T HURTS 4NYON3 3LS3  
Terezi: 4FT3RW4RD W3 C4N S33 4BOUT TURN1NG TH3 C1RCUS 1N TO TH3 4UTHOR1T13S FOR CONSORT1NG W1TH D3V1LS.  
Karkat: THEY RUN A FUCKING CIRCUS. THIS ISN'T SOME UNDERGROUND CULT THAT SACRIFICES GRUBS TO ALIEN GODS FOR DARK FAVORS. I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILL GIVE A SHIT. PLUS, THEIR LEADER IS DEAD. WHO DO WE TURN IN? OLGA?  
Dave: arrest her for being a pair of midgets in disguise  
John: olga is not a pair of midgets!  
Dave: shut up let me hold on to my fantasy  
Rose: This is a fantasy of yours?  
Dave: oh god nevermind  
Dave: oh jesus rose is actually taking notes  
Rose: I apologize for a lack of subtlety. A fantasy of yours involving obesity or facial hair is old information. Midgets are a new development.  
Dave: what are you writing there let me see  
Rose: You are only asking because you assume I will not want to share. While I normally feel obliged to obey the rule of doctor-patient confidentiality, I have no qualms with sharing my most recent notes about a subject with the subject himself.  
Dave: wow you have really small handwriting  
Dave: what does obstreperous grandiloquence mean  
Rose: For your next birthday, I am going to get you a thesaurus.  
Dave: is that a threat  
Rose: Of a sort, yes.  
Kanaya: Acrimony Agrees With Eldon That The Devil Needs To Be Destroyed Before It Hurts Any One Else  
Karkat: THAT'S TWO VOTES FOR FIGHTING. DAVE, I'M SURE I'LL REGRET ASKING THIS, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?  
Dave: look i dont have to be an expert on demons to know that fire wont do shit  
Dave: and thats like all brofist can do  
John: you have to have at least some other spells dave  
Dave: yeah but nothing good against demons  
Rose: Devils.  
Dave: hamatulas  
Rose: ...touché.  
Karkat: TWO VOTES FOR FIGHTING, ONE AGAINST. IF I VOTE AGAINST, WE'RE TIED. WHAT DO WE DO THEN?  
Dave: woah hey i never said not to fight  
Dave: being useless and shitty has never stopped this party before why should it stop us now  
Dave: i say we go devil killing  
Karkat: GOD DAMN IT. I HATE YOU ALL.  
Terezi: TH4TS NOTH1NG N3W  
Karkat: ALL RIGHT. NOOKSTUFFER TELLS OLGA THAT WE'LL TAKE THE JOB. IS IT POSSIBLE TO MOVE THE CAGE AWAY FROM THE REST OF THE CARAVAN BEFORE WE PICK A FIGHT?  
John: shes says not without getting close enough for it to shoot you with fire  
Karkat: I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT SHOOTING US WITH FIRE RIGHT NOW. WAIT, NEVER MIND, PRETEND I DIDN'T SAY THAT. FUCK.  
Dave: we could move the rest of the caravan  
Terezi: TH4T M3ANS MOV1NG TH3 WOUND3D THOUGH  
Rose: Depending on the extent of their injuries, Nookstuffer may be able to simply heal them first.  
Karkat: AND USE UP MY LIMITED DAILY HEALING? ALL OF YOU WOULD BE DEAD AND BURIED IF IT WASN'T FOR ME.  
Kanaya: Terezi Could Heal Them  
Terezi: G4MZ33'S CH4R4CT3R C4N H34L >:?  
Rose: The Bard's repertoire includes casting healing spells.  
Dave: hey before we go wasting our awesome magic on unnamed npcs   
Dave: how badly hurt are they  
John: i'm glad someone thought to ask! roll heal.  
Dave: yeah i'll just go ahead and add that to the list of skills not worth attempting  
Dave: brofist continues to ogle olga's beard  
Karkat: OH LOOK, THE ONE SKILL I HAVE AND IT'S ACTUALLY RELEVANT. IT ONLY TOOK SEVERAL IN-GAME DAYS AND NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES FOR IT TO COME UP  
Karkat: OH LOOK, THE DIE IS A 10. I'M SO THRILLED TO ROLL AVERAGE ON SOMETHING THAT COMES UP ONCE EVERY MILLION YEARS. OVERJOYED. STRUCK-DUMB WITH ENTHUSIASM.  
Terezi: JUST T3LL US WH4T TH3 TOT4L IS  
Karkat: 25. LET ME GUESS, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  
John: you did fine! Nookstuffer knows each patient can be patched up and be safe to move with a cure light wounds spell.  
Karkat: SO BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST HEALING SPELL I HAVE CAN HEAL THEM. HOW CONVENIENT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE GAME MASTER IS INTENTIONALLY ALLOWING US TO GO INTO THE FIGHT WITH THE FUCKING DEVIL WITH ALL OUR ABILITIES FULLY CHARGED. I WONDER IF IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH?  
Rose: If memory serves, a hamatula has a challenge rating somewhere around ten or eleven.  
Karkat: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. NO, DON'T BOTHER EXPLAINING, I'M PERFECTLY CONTENT TO REMAIN IGNORANT, ESPECIALLY IF AND WHEN WE ALL DIE HORRIBLY DUE TO OUR AMAZING LACK OF COMPETENCE AND TEAMWORK.  
Terezi: 1F YOU C4N SP4R3 TH3 M4G1C TO H34L TH3 P3OPL3 YOU SHOULD DO 1T  
Kanaya: And Then We Can Move Them Well Clear Of Where The Fighting Will Take Place  
Karkat: FINE, I'LL HEAL THEM. BUT I DOUBT ANYWHERE WILL BE SAFE FROM THE TELEPORTING DEMON.  
Dave: devil  
Rose: Hamatula.  
Dave: fuck  
Karkat: WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT. IF IT'S GOING TO LIVE UP TO ITS NAMESAKE, IT'S GOING TO IMMEDIATELY TELEPORT TO WHERE THE CIRCUS PEOPLE ARE HIDING AND MURDER ALL OF THEM.   
Dave: we just have to keep it distracted  
Kanaya: If It Believes We Are A Big Enough Threat It Wont Ignore Us Just To Attack The Circus People  
Karkat: UNLESS IT'S REALLY FUCKING PISSED AT THEM.   
Rose: Or if it decides to use them as hostages.  
Terezi: 1S 1T 3V3N POSS1BL3 TO K1LL 4 D3MON?  
John: i'm glad you asked! roll knowledge (the planes).  
Karkat: FUCK, ANOTHER SKILL I DON'T HAVE.  
Terezi: G4MZ33 DOSN'T H4V3 1T 31TH3R  
Kanaya: Acrimony Rolled Three  
Dave: brofist has been ogling olga nonstop for like ten minutes  
Rose: This party may want to invest in an intelligence-based class, possibly a Wizard of some kind.  
Karkat: VRISKA WAS OUR INTELLIGNECE, STRANGE AS IT SOUNDS.  
Terezi: TH4TS 4 T3RR1BL3 1D34  
Terezi: VR1SK4 1S CUNN1NG, NOT SM4RT  
Dave: rose dont think i didnt see what you just did there. you want to join us as wizardy herbert or some shit  
Rose: I swear on my dead cat's grave that I do not want to join you as like Wizardy Herbert, or some shit.  
Dave: thats so specific it has to be genuine  
Rose: You would be the local expert on sinserity.  
Dave: you take that fucking back  
John: no one knows how killing a devil works. you think maybe a holy weapon would help but that's all you really know.  
Karkat: IF THERE'S ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE I TRUST TO BATTLE A POSSIBLY UNKILLABLE MONSTER, IT'S THE ASSHOLES ASSEMBLED IN THIS ROOM RIGHT HERE.  
Terezi: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO H34L TH3 WOUND3D 4T 4NY PO1NT K4RK4T?  
Karkat: I TELL OLGA TO GET HER PEOPLE TO PACK UP THEIR SHIT AND MOVE WAY DOWN THE ROAD. PREFERABLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A HILL OR SOMETHING SO THE DEVIL DOESN'T SEE FREE CANDY TO GO MURDER.  
Rose: That's an interesting metaphor. You associate candy with murder?  
Karkat: THEN I GO OVER AND HEAL THE TWO ASSHOLES.  
Dave: why are you healing their assholes  
Dave: what did the devil do to them  
Karkat: COULD THE STRIDER-LALONDE CONTINGENT PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP? I HEAL THE FIRST PERSON FOR 11 AND THE SECOND ONE FOR 9.  
John: both of them look much better. they thank you and then go help with getting the caravan moving.  
Terezi: TH1S M1GHT B3 4 B1T L4T3 TO 4SK, BUT DO3S OLG4 H4V3 4NY MOR3 S1LV3R?  
John: she says she doesn't have anything that would help with fighting a devil.  
Terezi: Y3S BUT DO3S SH3 H4V3 4NY S1LV3R 4T 4LL? W3 M1GHT B3 4BL3 TO F1ND 4 US3  
John: she thinks for a moment, then says she has a silver necklace in another cart. she doesn't know if it'll help but maybe it'll repel the devil or something?  
Karkat: WE SHOULD TAKE ANY ADVANTAGE WE CAN GET.  
Terezi: 3LDON 4SKS 1F W3 C4N BORROW 1T  
John: she says she'll go grab it.  
Dave: dibs  
Karkat: FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE LEAST USEFUL PERSON FOR FIGHTING THE DEMON.  
Kanaya: Devil  
John: hamatula  
Karkat: ASSHOLE MONSTER. WHO THE FUCK CARES. BROFIST IS NOT GETTING THE CHAIN.  
Dave: can we all stop and acknowledge what a horrible mental picture an asshole monster is  
Rose: It's certainly a striking vision.  
Terezi: 1 4M MORT1F1ED  
Karkat: BESIDES, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WEARING A SILVER CHAIN WILL DO ANYTHING. WHY EVEN BOTHER?  
Dave: its not about the chain and its not about the devil  
Dave: its about bling  
Karkat: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THERE'S NO ARGUING LOGIC WITH YOU, IS THERE? FINE, ASSHOLE, YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIN. I HOPE THE DEVIL CHOKES YOU WITH IT.  
Dave: dude that would be such a rad way to go  
Dave: choked to death by a devil with a fucking gypsy chain  
Rose: I believe the term "gypsy" is widely seen as an ethnic slur.   
Dave: i've been hanging out with karkat all day, youre lucky my slurs are only ethnic  
Karkat: YOU HUMANS HAVE ETHNIC SLURS? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE IF YOUR HEMOSPECTRUM ONLY HAS ONE COLOR IN IT?  
Rose: Despite our civilization's short existence compared to yours, we managed to come up with a wide range of arbitrary ways to divide ourselves, many of which are largely color-based. I suppose we have the creators of our universe to thank for that.  
Dave: rose are you blaming karkat for racism  
John: moving on. the caravan moves out, leaving behind the covered wagon. after a little while they disappear over a hill and can no longer be seen on the horizon. you are now alone with a hamatula in a cage.  
Dave: so how are we actually supposed to fight this thing  
Kanaya: Do We Think It Is Aware Of us  
Karkat: I ASSUME IT'S HEARD US PLANNING THIS ENTIRE TIME. PLUS, IT PROBABLY NOTICED WHEN ALL THE RANDOM ASSHOLES IN THE CARAVAN LEFT.  
Terezi: C4N 1T SM3LL US?  
John: you don't know.  
Rose: What is the covered wagon covered with?  
John: its basically a tarp.  
Kanaya: Are We Working Under The Assumption That The Devil Is Resistant to Fire Damage  
Dave: yeah  
Karkat: WERE YOU THINKING OF JUST SETTING ITS WAGON ON FIRE?  
Kanaya: It Would Avoid Us Fighting The Hamatula Directly And Risking Injury  
Terezi: 3LDON 1S GO1NG TO 4PPRO4CH TH3 W4GON C4R3FULLY 4ND L1ST3N FOR TH3 SOUND OF BR34TH1NG  
John: you don't hear anything but you arent sure if devils need to breathe in the first place.  
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4 W4Y TO OP3N TH3 W4GON?  
John: you see the side of the wagon has a big door that looks like it'll swing open but wherever the latch is it must be under the cover.  
Kanaya: I Do Not See A Convenient Way Of Fighting The Hamatula Without Removing The Cover  
Rose: I believe we have pussy-footed around long enough. Removing the cover is the only way to proceed.  
Kanaya: Acrimony Approaches The Cart From Behind And Is Ready To Pull The Cover Free  
Dave: we should all surround it on different sides so it cant blast us with fire all at once  
Karkat: BRILLIANT PLAN, STRIDER. SPLITTING UP IS ALWAYS THE WAY TO GO.  
Dave: were not splitting up were surrounding it  
Karkat: ITS NOT REALLY SURROUNDED WHEN ONE OF THE SOUNDERS IS A MAGICAL FUCKWAD WHO CAN ONLY DO FIRE SPELLS THAT DON'T WORK ON DEMONS.  
Terezi: D3V1LS  
Karkat: HAMATULAS! I DON'T FUCKING CARE! CAN WE PLEASE JUST FUCKING KILL THIS THING SO WE CAN MOVE ON?  
Kanaya: Acrimony Pulls The Cover Free  
John: at first glance the cage appears empty. when you look closer you see a shiny silver collar lying in the cage with a chain connecting it to the floor. there is also a folded piece of paper lying next to the collar.  
Rose: Hmm.  
Terezi: WH4T 4R3 YOU TH1NKNG ROS3?  
Rose: I think from my position it would be exceptionally unsporting of me to metagame at this juncture. I do not wish to share what I am thinking at this time.  
Karkat: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE MONSTER GOT AWAY AND NONE OF THE CIRCUS PEOPLE NOTICED?  
Dave: they were probably dragging it around for a while before it attacked them  
Dave: i think theyd notice if it suddenly ollied outie  
Terezi: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG WR1TT3N ON TH3 P4P3R  
John: you can see writing on the other side of it but youd have to unfold it to read it.  
Terezi: TH1S 1S CL34RLY 4 TR4P.  
Karkat: YES.  
Kanaya: I Agree  
Dave: trapped or not can we resist the urge to read the note the devil left for us  
Karkat: "WE" CAN, BECAUSE SOME OF US HAVE SELF FUCKING CONTROL. YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IMBECILIC CHILD MASQUERADING AS A SLIGHTLY SELF AWARE AND SLIGHTLY LESS IMBECILIC CHILD.  
Dave: hey man i never claimed to be self aware  
Dave: self awareness is for people who give a fuck  
Karkat: BEFORE BROFIST RUNS INTO THE CAGE AND GETS HIMSELF KILLED, I VOLUNTEER TO OPEN THE DOOR. CAUTIOUSLY.  
Rose: Tactically speaking that may be unwise, considering that you are the party's primary healer.  
Terezi: 3LDON 1S CLOS3R 4NYW4Y, 1'LL JUST OP3N 1T  
John: you unlatch the latch and the door swings open. do you go inside?  
Terezi: 1 W4NT MY W34PON R34DY B3FOR3 1 DO. WH4TS 3LDON'S W34PON?  
Rose: Looks like it says... "Dr. Alvin Wrecks." I assume that is supposed to spell "Dwarven Waraxe."  
Terezi: 1S TH4T JUST 4 SM4LL AX3?  
Rose: No, it's a sort of over-sized one-handed axe with a single blade. They are meant to be wielded by a race of stocky people, and are very effective in the right hands.  
Terezi: 4R3 G4MZ33'S H4NDS TH3 R1GHT H4NDS?  
Rose: I imagine not.  
Dave: yo legit dr alvin wrecks is a baller name for a rapper or a demolitions expert  
Dave: can he be both  
John: sure dave.  
Rose: Does he have a doctorate in rapping, or in demolitions? Do they give out doctorates in either of those fields?  
Dave: well theres dr. dre  
Rose: He is a medical doctor.  
Dave: wait really  
Rose: Yes. A surgeon, actually, specializing in liposuction. He needs a constant supply of adipose tissue from which he can extract the fat for the fat beats he is always dropping.  
Dave: wow and here i thought we couldn't get any whiter  
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT? TOGETHER YOU'RE ALMOST AS BAD AS GAMZEE.  
Kanaya: I Disagree  
Terezi: 3LDON IS GO1NG TO C4UT1OUSLY APPRO4CH TH3 NOT3  
John: okay. you are standing next to the note.  
Terezi: 3LDON P1CKS 1T UP AND UNFOLDS 1T  
John: do you read it?  
Terezi: Y3S  
John: the note is written in what apears to be red ink but might actually be blood. it says "thanks for opening the door"  
Kanaya: Uh Oh  
John: everyone sees the door to the wagon suddenly slam shut and there's a sound like a metallic chain breaking. the paper terezi was holding fades out of existence, revealing it to be part of an illusion. at the same time, the hamatula fades into existence outside of the cart. it's a humanoid creature with thick leathery skin covered in barbs, and a thick tail. there is a silver collar around its neck but the chain has been broken. it looks like the devil cast an illusion to make the cart look empty, then when the door was open, it hopped outside and slammed the door on its chain, breaking it.  
Dave: oh fuck  
John: i need everyone to roll initiative  
Karkat: 6  
Kanaya: 24  
Dave: 15  
Terezi: WH4T DO 1 ROLL FOR TH1S?  
Rose: According to this sheet, Gamzee's initiative bonus appears to be a juggling pin.  
Terezi: 1M NO M4TH3M4T1C14N BUT 1 DON'T TH1NK JUGGL1NG P1N 1S 4 NUMB3R  
Rose: I don't think so either. You would normally add your dexterity modifier, which in Gamzee's case appears to be some kind of 2 that got distracted halfway through and started to turn into the letter F.  
Terezi: 13  
Dave: so d20 plus juggling pin plus 2 slash F equals 13  
Dave: did we just invent a new kind of math  
Kanaya: Technically Gamzee Invented It  
Dave: scary thought  
Karkat: WHO'S GOING FIRST?  
John: the devil.  
Dave: seriously? kanaya rolled like a million  
Kanaya: The Die Was An Eighteen  
John: the hamatula rolled a natural 20. its going to attack karkat's character with a scorching ray.  
Karkat: FIRST OF ALL. HIS NAME IS NOOKSTUFFER. GET IT RIGHT. SECOND, WHAT THE FUCK IS A SCORCHING RAY?   
John: it fires two red beams of fiery energy at you. you take... 14 damage and 19 damage.  
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK? IT DOESN'T HAVE TO ROLL TO HIT OR ANYTHING? IS THERE NO DEFENSE AGAINST THIS?  
Rose: Most "ray" attacks get to ignore armor and shields, so unless you have some magic equipment we don't know about, your only defense against scorching ray is going to be your dexterity  
Karkat: BUT MY DEXTERITY IS GARBAGE.  
Rose: Then it looks like the Hamatula only needs to get ten or higher on its attack roll in order to hit you with that particular ability.  
Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK.  
Terezi: 1F 1T N33DS TO ROLL 10 ON 4 TW3NTY S1D3D D13, TH4TS NOT TOO B4D  
Rose: You misunderstand. Its _total_ needs to be 10. That's the die roll, plus whatever its attack bonus is.  
Dave: john out of curiosity what the attack bonus for scorching ray  
John: for the hamatula, it's uh... eighteen.  
Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK!  
Rose: So in order to miss Karkat with scorching ray, the Hamatula would need to roll a negative nine on its die.  
Rose: Perhaps we could secretly replace John's d20 with one that has negative numbers on it?  
John: i can hear you, rose.  
Rose: I was kidding. I am sorry. It was rude of me to make fun of Karkat's terrible, terrible situation.  
Karkat: WELL, I'M DEAD YOU GUYS. HOPE YOU ALL HAD FUN. I CERTAINLY DIDN'T. I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT... NEVER.  
Dave: wait are you actually dead  
Dave: you took a bunch of damage but you still have like half your hp  
Karkat: UNLESS EGBERT ROLLS GARBAGE ON WHATEVER DAMAGE DICE HE WAS ROLLING, THERE'S ALMOST NO WAY THE HAMATULA WON'T KILL ME ON ITS NEXT TURN. I MAY AS WELL ALREADY BE OUT OF THE FIGHT.  
Kanaya: You Could Heal Yourself On Your Next Turn  
Karkat: THAT'S  
Karkat: OKAY YES. I COULD DO THAT. GOD DAMN IT.  
John: kanaya is next  
Kanaya: Acrimony Rages And Charges The Devil  
John: you have to go around the cart to get to the devil since you were on the other side, so you can't technically charge. but you can, like, walk to it and attack.  
Kanaya: I Will Do That Then  
Kanaya: Thirty  
John: you definitely hit. roll for damage.  
Kanaya: With A Yell Of Barbarian Rage Acrimony Does Twenty One Points Of Damage  
Rose: A fine rebuttal to the cleric being apparently mortally wounded, for now, probably.  
John: unfortunately the devil appears to have damage reduction and some of that damage is negated.  
Kanaya: What  
Rose: A common trait among supernatural creatures is the ability to ignore some damage from physical attacks, unless the weapon has some special property.  
Terezi: L1K3 WH4T?  
Rose: Being made of certain metals, or being blessed by some higher power. That sort of thing.   
Karkat: ARE YOU TELLING ME WE CAN'T EVEN HURT THIS THING?  
Rose: You can hurt it. It's just going to take a long time if you're using the wrong weapon.  
Karkat: WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE RIGHT WEAPON?  
Rose: Dave is giving me the evil eye. I don't think I should tell you. Metagaming and whatnot.  
John: speaking of dave, he's next.  
Dave: i'm not even going to try to fuck with the hamatula  
Dave: i cast haste  
Karkat: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO US, STRIDER, WHAT WONDERFUL USELESS THING YOU'RE CASTING NOW.  
Dave: it makes everyone move at double speed and lets us make an extra attack each round  
Karkat: THAT'S ACTUALLY... WAIT, YOU'RE BEING USEFUL. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STRIDER?  
Dave: devils dont fuck around. neither does brofist  
Karkat: BROFIST HAS DONE ALMOST NOTHING *BUT* FUCK AROUND THIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!  
Dave: devils are serious man do i look like im joking  
Dave: this is my serious face right here  
Dave: see  
John: terezi is next  
Terezi: C4N 3LDON 4TT1CK TH3 D4V1L THROUGH TH3 B4RS OF TH3 C4GE?  
John: sure, the hamatula is still basically standing next to the door  
Terezi: WH4T 4M 1 ROLL1NG FOR TH1S?  
Rose: Looks like... hmm. Gamzee has not made the odds work in your favor.  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU M34N?  
Rose: Well, explaining where all his various penalties are coming from would be time-consuming. Let's just say that you need to roll a natural twenty or else you will miss and do no damage.  
Terezi: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1 H1T, 1 DO L3SS D4M4G3?  
Rose: I'm afraid so.  
Terezi: 1'M BEG1NN1NG TO R3GR3T PL4Y1NG G4MZ33'S DUMB CH4R4CT3R. >:\  
Rose: The good news is, you normally get to make two attacks, and Dave's spell is giving you a third. Eventually you're bound to hit something if you keep trying over and over again.  
Terezi: >:\  
Terezi: W3LL TH4TS 4 TH1RT33N, 4 N1N3, 4ND 4N 31GHT33N.  
Rose: Practice makes perfect, they say.  
Terezi: YOU 4R3N'T H3LP1NG  
Rose: Sorry.  
John: karkat goes next.  
Karkat: FUCK.  
Karkat: WE ARE SO COMPLETELY SCREWED. ALL I CAN DO IS HEAL MYSELF.  
Karkat: CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS TO HEAL FOR 23.  
John: would you like to move?  
Karkat: I THINK NOOKSTUFFER IS FINE EXACTLY WHERE HE IS. MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY AND THE DEVIL WON'T TRY HITTING ANYONE ELSE WITH THAT SPELL.  
Rose: Since Acrimony is currently engaging the enemy in melee combat, it's unlikely that it will continue using its ranged abilities at all.  
Karkat: THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO, OH WISE AND MIGHTY LALONDE OF THE HOUSE OF DND FUCKERY?  
Rose: It would perhaps be tactically wise to get behind it so that Nookstuffer and Acrimony are flanking the enemy. Provided, of course, that you are not afraid of getting into melee combat with the Devil.  
Karkat: SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA. LET'S FUCKING DO THAT.  
John: nookstuffer moves behind the hamatula. right now the hamatula is standing next to the door of the wagon, terezi is attacking it through the bars, and nookstuffer and acrimony are flanking it.   
John: and that makes it the hamatula's turn. it's going to attack the barbarian.   
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Not Afraid  
John: it uh... rolled 36 to hit  
Kanaya: That Well Exceeds My Armor Class  
John: you take 12 points of damage. and i need you to roll a will save against fear  
Dave: didnt she just say acrimony was not afraid  
Kanaya: Twenty  
John: acrimony is not afraid  
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Indeed Not Afraid  
John: the devil makes a second attack, this time at nookstuffer  
Karkat: OH GOOD.  
John: 27?  
Karkat: YOU KNOW THAT'S A FUCKING HIT EGBERT. HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION, HOW DO WE MAKE OUR ARMOR CLASS HIGHER?  
Rose: Magic items, mostly. Rings of protection, amulets of natural armor, enchanted armor and enchanted shields. The supplemental book Races of Stone also has some lovely feats for characters wearing heavy armor, if John will allow it. For those not proficient with armor, bracers of armor and a monk's belt are handy. And a dusty rose prism ioun stone is an inexpensive way for anyone to get an extra +1.  
John: karkat you take 11 damage and you need to roll a will save vs fear  
Karkat: 26. FUCK YOU.  
Kanaya: What Is A Dusty Rose Prism Ioun Stone  
Dave: its a magic rock  
Terezi: TH4TS 4 H3LL OF 4 N4M3 FOR JUST 4 M4G1C ROCK  
Dave: its a magic rock that orbits around your head and does awesome magic rock things  
Terezi: WOULD YOU S4Y TH4T 1T ROCKS? >:P  
Dave: never change tz  
Karkat: CAN WE MOVE ON?  
John: kanaya goes next.  
Kanaya: Is Dave's Spell Granting Acrimony A Third Attack  
Dave: yeah and it also gives you +1 to all your attacks I think  
Rose: That is correct.  
Kanaya: Acrimony Rolls Twenty Nine On Her First Attack  
John: you hit. roll damage  
Kanaya: Eighteen Damage  
Kanaya: Acrimony's Second Attack is Twenty Eight And If That Hits It Is Another Nineteen Damage  
Kanaya: The Third Attack Is A Natural Twenty  
Terezi: >:O  
John: critical hit!  
Dave: its super effective  
Dave: wait wrong game  
Kanaya: With A Roar Acrimonys Greataxe Does Fifty One Points Of Damage  
Rose: I hate to be a spoil sport, but John is forgetting something very important.  
John: whats that rose?  
Rose: Read the Hamatula's entry in the Monster Manual again. It should have an ability called "barbed defense" or something along those lines.  
Terezi: TH4T DO3SNT SOUND GOOD  
John: "any creature striking a barbed devil with handheld weapons takes 1d8+6 points of piercing damage from the devil’s barbs. Note that weapons with exceptional reach, such as longspears, do not endanger their users in this way."  
Karkat: ARE YOU TELLING ME WE CAN'T EVEN HIT THIS THING WITHOUT GETTING HURT?  
Rose: Not unless someone brought along a polearm.  
John: yeah uh... you take 1d8+6 damage from each of those hits. thats... 33 total.  
Kanaya: Ow  
Terezi: K4N4Y4 1 4M CONC3RN3D FOR YOUR S4F3TY  
Kanaya: Acrimony Is Unfortunately Not Concerned For Her Own Safety At The Moment Due To Barbarian Rage  
John: terezi goes next  
Terezi: 1F 3LDON 4TT4CKS 4ND M1SSES, DO TH3 SP1N3S D34L D4M4GE D4M4GE?  
Rose: I don't believe so.  
Terezi: M4Y 4S W3LL TRY  
Dave: you have a 1 in 20 chance of hitting and youve already tried three times  
Dave: so thats like 1 in 17 now  
Terezi: TH4T 1SN'T HOW PROB4B1L1TY WORKS >:\  
Terezi: W3LL MY F1RST ROLL 1S A THR33  
Karkat: FUCK.  
Terezi: 4ND TH3N N1N3.  
Terezi: 4ND TH3N 31GHT.  
Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  
Dave: one in 14 now  
Terezi: D4V3 SHUT UP  
Dave: hang on i think i got skipped  
Dave: i went before terezi last time  
Dave: this is a tragedy of justice  
Rose: Travesty.  
Dave: nope i meant tragedy  
Dave: justice is currently bawling its eyes out  
John: dave just take your turn  
Dave: magic goddamn missile on the demon  
Rose: Devil.  
Kanaya: Hamatula  
Karkat: BARBED DEVIL, APPARENTLY.  
Dave: 12  
Karkat: GREAT. SO UNLESS YOUR MAGIC MISSILES ARE MADE OUT OF HOLY WATER OR SOMETHING, THE DEVIL'S GOING TO REDUCE YOUR ALMOST NOTHING DOWN TO NOTHING.  
Rose: Actually, the Magic Missile spell deals magical force damage, not physical damage.  
Dave: use the force karkat  
Karkat: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.  
Dave: hey i just had a thought do you guys have troll star wars  
Karkat: WE HAVE MILLENNIA OF INTERGALACTIC CONQUEST. THAT TENDS TO INVOLVE SPACE WARFARE.  
Dave: i meant the movie series but i guess you guys have the real thing  
John: karkat goes next  
Karkat: I HEAL KANAYA FOR 32.  
Karkat: WHOOPEE I'M DONE.  
Dave: i dont think ive ever heard you say whoopee before  
Rose: It is somewhat disturbing.  
Karkat: BOTH OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. THE DEVIL GOES NEXT AND IT'S GOING TO BRUTALLY MURDER ALL OF US.  
John: actually the devil is going to teleport away.  
Karkat: WHY THE FUCK IS IT DOING THAT.  
John: you guys are kind of kicking its ass. you have it surrounded and you've done a lot of damage to it.  
Terezi: 3V3N W1TH 1TS D4M4G3 R3DUCT1ON?  
John: yeah. its pretty hurt and the one who hurt it the most has been healed.  
Rose: I believe when the creature attempts to teleport, it will provoke some attacks of opportunity.  
John: definitely. everybody in melee with the devil can make an attack.  
Karkat: I DON'T THINK I HAVE A WEAPON. DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN WITH THE REST OF YOU?  
Dave: dude why dont you have a weapon  
Karkat: I'M A HEALER.   
Dave: yeah but you can still hit shit  
Rose: Perhaps you should add a weapon for Karkat to your shopping list for when the party arrives at the next town.  
Rose: There is actually such a thing as a Screaming magic weapon. It seems appropriate.  
Kanaya: I Rolled A Nineteen On My Die I Assume That Will Hit  
John: yeah it does  
Karkat: I ROLLED A NOTHING. BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING PRIEST.  
Kanaya: Acrimony Does Sixteen Damage  
Terezi: 1 ROLL3D 4 TW3NTY  
Dave: holy crap she beat the odds!  
Rose: Your axe deals triple damage on a critical hit.   
Terezi: WH4T 4M 1 3V3N ROLL1NG FOR D4M4G3?  
Rose: I think I'm beginning to understand the logic underlying Gamzee's inane scrawling. You roll a d10 plus eight.  
Rose: Either that, or you roll a small fat man standing on a sailboat, sideways. And then add eight.  
Terezi: F1FTY D4M4G3  
Terezi: OR THR33 S1D3W4YS F4T S41LBO4T P3OPL3, PLUS 24  
John: the hamatula is dead!  
John: as it dies it erupts into flames and is banished back to the evil realm it came from. you smell fire and brimstone as it leaves.  
Dave: holy shit we are so fucking awesome  
Terezi: D1D 1T DROP 4NY LOOT?  
John: nope.  
Kanaya: We Should Go Back To The Caravan And Let Them Know That The Devil Is Dealt With  
Rose: Reasonable proposition.  
Karkat: WE SHOULD TELL THEM THEY OWE US BIG TIME. THAT THING NEARLY KILLED US.  
Dave: owe us what  
Dave: theyre poor circus people and you took their only bling  
Karkat: YOU TOOK IT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
Terezi: TH3 3N3MY W4S TOUGH BUT W3 H4NDL3D 1T W1THOUT M4JOR PROBL3MS  
Terezi: D3SP1T3 ON3 OF US H4V1NG TO PL4Y W1TH G4MZ33S NONS3NS3 CH4R4CT3R  
Kanaya: I Think You Handled It Quite Well All Things Considered  
Terezi: W3LL ROS3 D1D H3LP  
Rose: To be fair, I also helped the enemy.  
Karkat: YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT.  
Terezi: 1 TH1NK 1 WOULD L1K3 TH1S G4M3 B3TT3R 1F 1 W4S PL4Y1NG 4 CHR4CT3R TH4T 1 4CTU4LLY M4D3  
John: yeah this is a good stopping point. someone needs to go find gamzee i guess.   
Karkat: AS USUAL I GUESS I'LL VOLUNTEER TO TRACK DOWN THE STUPID FUCKWAD.   
Rose: John and I can assist Terezi with the process of making a character.  
Dave: hot  
John: shut up dave.  
Dave: hey since were stopping can we level up  
Kanaya: I Did Notice That Our Game Master Was Not Handing Out Experience Points Earlier  
John: oh yeah i forgot about that!  
Karkat: YOU FORGOT.  
John: yeah its normally a bunch of extra unnecessary math when you hand out xp individually. i like just saying "you level up!" instead.  
Dave: then can we level up  
John: yes. the whole party levels up.  
Dave: fuck yes level nine here we come  
Rose: I assume Terezi's character will be created at level nine?  
John: yeah of course.  
Karkat: OH GOD. GAMZEE'S GOING TO HAVE TO LEVEL UP HIS RETARDED MESS OF A CHARACTER.  
Kanaya: He Is Going To Need Someones Help  
Dave: god save us all  
  
To be continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took like a year and a half to come out. =(
> 
> I started writing in September, and then abruptly had to move. After moving, my new DnD group (the actual humans I play with at a table) was able to get together much more regularly than the previous group, and I wasn't able to devote planning time and creativity to both Homestuck DnD and actual DnD. And then I also procrastinated, a LOT.
> 
> Thanks and props to Nick for proofreads.


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